How much are grandparents involved?

[coffeewithmilk]

How much are your child's grandparents involved in their life?
I really don't get along with my MIL (she thinks we are very close but i can't stand her) and my husband seems to think she should have more involvement in our son's life but I just can't bring myself to let her. He says I'm putting him in a really awkward position but at the end of the day I just don't want her to be that involved.

Is that really selfish of me?

What do you do in this situation?

Why don’t you like her? Why don’t you want her to be involved in your son’s life?

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas there's been many times when I've caught her talking really badly to my husband, and when i say badly I mean really condescending horrible comments, making up lies and saying my husband has called her a bitch (and other worse words) and saying this to other members of the family when this is completely untrue.
She is overly nice to me but I know her 'true colours' I guess you could say and I just don't like it and don't want my son to be surrounded by a person so fake whose personality can change at a click of the finger

Are you sure it's completely untrue? If she was making up lies about him, why would your DH want her to be more involved with your son?

She admitted she was making it up and then said she doesn't know why she did it.
It's a strange relationship between my husband and her. I think sometimes she forgets he is a grown man and if she hears something she doesn't like she storms off and gets in a mood

Ok, so she does sound a bit batshit - with that being the case, why does your DH want her to spend more time with your son?

@MolliciousIntent she is completely batshit!
He feels it's only fair because my parents see our son all the time and are very involved.
I feel like he just thinks there should be a mutual involvement with grandparents when I really don't think that should be the case.
My son isn't a pass the parcel and I feel like that's the way he is being treated but don't know how to say I'm completely unhappy with it

Tell him exactly what you've said here. You think his mum's behaviour is really weird and concerning, and you don't trust her around your baby. Say that in an ideal world, all grandparents would have equal access, but that her behaviour is not at all ideal and you think a close relationship with her could be very damaging for your son. Remind him that if he had these sorts of concerns about your family, that he'd want you to take them seriously.

As much or as little as you wish - when you are an adult you chose how much time! There is no right or wrong way - I would think that if your MIL has a slightly dysfunctional relationship with her son then maybe see her 'little but often'. If it was my family, I would worry that my son would think this sort of dynamic is normal.

Your husband gets as much say as you do.

I couldn't stand my MIL but she loved my DC and was a good Granny to them. As adults they know she was odd but they know she loved them a great deal and they had a good relationship with her because I felt it was important for them to.

She did some bizarre things to me (put bleach in my tea and other equally shocking things) but she couldn't kill me off 🤣 and I retained the moral high ground.

@erikbloodaxe BLEACH IN YOUR TEA!? 😵‍💫

@heldinadream she did indeed and even tried to blame me. Luckily I didn't drink it as it stank of er BLEACH! She did once tell me she'd love it if I died ( in a car crash..... quite specific on my mode of death) so she could raise my DC with their father. Lovely woman.

@erikbloodaxe you're telling these stories like they're funny anecdotes and like the fact that this woman tried to kill you is completely separate from how she is around your kids. This is pretty horrifying, I think allowing this woman access to your helpless children is at best irresponsible and at worst negligence.

Ok my MIL isn't as bad as yours.
Bleach in tea and wishing you died in a car accident? My god.. that's extreme

Fully agree here. I'm shocked you'd want that kind of person around your kids

Your only priority is to keep your child emotionally and physically safe from harm, if she can't manage that on any level then a distant relationship would be best for your child.

My dc have no dgps as we are nc with our dps. Actually just this morning ds 7 asked if he had dgps. I felt shit...I reminded him he has more siblings than most and is well loved by them instead..
Dc manage more than fine without toxic or manipulative relatives ime.

@MolliciousIntent

Calm yourself fgs. She thought the sun shone out of her son and her grand children. She would have never, ever harmed them. Luckily I did find her pathetic and can retell the tales as funny anecdotes.

I was neither irresponsible nor negligent as a Mother thank you. My children were safe and very well cared for when they saw her.

I knew she was nuts, my husband knew she was nuts and my now ADULT DC know she was nuts.

My PILs and I are NC. DH is now LC.

At first he was very adamant all grandparents should be equally involved however when I backed off and let him see for himself, he soon realised his parents did fuck all for our DC. I saw her pick food up off the floor and put it on my DC's plate. If we asked her to make sure there was no chilli in the food for my DC, she'd add it intentionally saying my DC won't be the only ones eating it so why should she make it without. Silly little thing like that.

But he also realised how toxic his relationship is with them and how they were constantly basically shitting all over us for no reason other than we didn't always do things their way, or ask their permission.

Once he saw this stuff, I told him that until he has a normal relationship with them there is no way they will be involved with DC because I won't allow them to affect them in the way they've affected DH.

About a year later he put our house on the market and we lived closer to my parents who are a godsend. We see them regularly. They do school runs and pick ups. My DC love them. I think sometimes it still stings him to see it, but I think he also understands that the problem is not us, it's his parents.

I absolutely would not allow my DC to be around people who are unhealthy and unsafe to be around, and do not think grandparents relationships should be forced for the sake of the child. Grandparents need to earn that relationship, it is not a God given right

*things
*moved

Ps. My PILs also like to make shit up and reinvent the truth. They've also even denied reality and tried to say we'd made something up. It's batshit. When we call them out on it, they tell us to stop bringing up old stuff. But they bring up things we and others have done from 10+ years ago. It's an insane thing to be faced with, complete headfuck, and I'm much happier now I won't have to deal with it.

I get the way you feel and rightly so. But I think the issue here is your DH. He might think grandparents deserve equal relationships but if they don't treat both the two of you and your DC the same, then he needs to consider that. The effect on your DC should be the deciding factor however I also strongly believe that if someone cannot show me respect as their mother (or equally, DH as their father) they don't get to have a relationship with our children

She did some bizarre things to me (put bleach in my tea Shock and other equally shocking things) but she couldn't kill me off 🤣 and I retained the moral high ground.

She actually put bleach in your tea? That's attempted murder!! If bleach gets into your stomach it can kill you.

My mum did when I was 2. I'm estranged from my dad. DH live just up the road. FIL emotionally distant. MIL also emotional distant but more approachable than FIL. It makes me feel really sad that my kids don't have hands on GPS.

OP - your MIL sounds toxic and dangerous. I've detiately needs boundaries to keep you all safe. Sadly you DH may not be ready to realise this. Owing to what you've said, I can't imagine this not impacting him somehow? Maybe therapy may help him unpack this?

Should read DH parents live just up the road

My parents were well in to their 70s when my kids were born. When in the same country they came over for Sunday lunch every week and they did the odd evening babysitting. We did an annual trip to Spain where they lived half the year.
My in laws had minimal interest really. My husband would ring his mother up suggest we visit and it was always 'I'll let you know' (both retired). So always instigated on our side.
My parents now long passed away as is my husband but his mother, in her 90s, and step father are alive and I make sure we visit several times a year. Harder obviously with her age and covid, and it is always me ringing them.
I think a relationship with grandparents are lovely. If he wants her involved can he not take your child on his own to see her?

In what way does your OH want your MIL to be more involved? How much is she involved now? Are you DP involved?

This is such a tricky one. I don't really like my MIL because of the way she has treated my OH in the past when he was growing up but also because she made me feel quite shit with power plays when we were first together. I have always allowed her to be in DC lives but have always made sure to keep her at arms length and don't let them spend time alone (it helps they don't live in the same city). I think the parent child relationship is a tricky one and could be your OH just wants to keep the peace and still has a lot of issues left over from childhood- it can be so easy to revert back to these roles even in adulthood when you can make your own decisions and stand up for yourself.

I actually experienced a toxic GP growing up. My Granny would bad mouth my DP, favour my sibling, was paranoid and manipulative but she was also lovely and I am glad that I knew her. My DP knew she was like this but allowed us to spend a lot of time with her and tolerated her being around all the time. As a child my DM would talk to me about events that happened as they came up and I always understood if what she was doing was wrong and why. My sibling still has a lot of left over resentment towards my granny but I don't. I definitely think if she is going to be in your DC lives then keep talking to them as things arise without giving too much of your opinion about her as a person. Kids are smart. It can be as simple "granny said xx, it wasn't true" and leave it as that.