How much does your partner help with baby?

[Claire008]

How much support do others husband/partners give them with little one whilst one maternity leave? I'm a FTM and little one is coming up to 6 months old.

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, but I literally do 99% of the care for my little one. My husband does work in the week, but he struggles to stop working as most days he'll work from around 7am to 10pm (self employed), with a few stops for breaks, lunch and dinner, as well as a daily hour long shower and he'll go for a walk by himself. He'll also work on the weekend so I feel I never get a break. Since baby was born I've only managed to have two hours baby free (1 when I took the cat to the vets and 1 when I went to a yoga class). This leaves me all day with the baby doing absolutely everything, I'm lucky if my husband changes little one's nappy once a week. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love little one and am more than happy to do what they need and be with them, but it is hard when I don't even get a break to have a 5min shower on my own, as I have to have baby set up in the bathroom with me whilst I shower. I also feel so bad for my little one as I want them to know that their dad wants to spend time with them. I am exclusively breastfeeding so all feeds, settling for sleeps and nighttime feeds have always fallen on me. I don't regret the decision to exclusively breastfeed but I do think he's taken it for granted that he has never once had to wake up in the night for the baby, wake early in the morning with little one, or the hours I spend in a week trapped feeding little one to sleep.

It's like he thinks it my job to do it all, for example if at night baby is settled and asleep, and we are sat watching TV and baby cries he won't stir at all to go calm baby, instead it is me that has to go to baby, even though doesn't always need feeding back to sleep and can sometimes just put a hand on to settle back to sleep.

It's not just all the care with little one, but also that chores around the house that have been falling on me. For example this evening after getting little one to sleep I then had to put away the dry washing, hang up wet washing, clean the potty, order the food for the week, sort out insurance renewal and sort out the cat. He will do things if I ask, but I usually have to wait a few days, or longer, for it to get done which if it's something like the food shopping it needs to be done by a certain day. I don't like to have to be the one that is always asking him to please help me out, like they are my tasks to do and that he is kindly helping me, when I think that it is both our tasks to do. He has, to his credit, mentioned about writing up a rota of household chores for us to do, but he wants me to write this up and I literally haven't had time to sit down and do this and it feels like another chore in itself for me to have to do.

When family/friends visit if baby needs changing or is crying he'll do it/take baby, but he never normally does this and it feels like he is putting on a show for them. I've had comments from family (mainly his side but also mine) that he does so much and it makes me feel I can't ever ask for help as they think I'm already getting so much help from him when I'm really not. Equally to be honest whenever anyone has visited since baby was born it has always been me running about doing things for them like making tea or food for them and not me having a break.

It's starting to feel really challenging as I don't get any time to myself to just recuperate and I feel I am becoming less calm with little one, and it's making me feel like an awful mummy. Is this just a part of motherhood that I should just get used to?

Do not fall into the trap of thinking he should ‘help’. It’s his baby too.
Tell him what you want. Tell him you are going out.

I see this asked all the time, so there must be a lot of pricks out there.

My DH did a minimum of 50% always in everything. Even sterilising my breast pump. Now he does the majority of cleaning as he has more stamina!

Have words. It's not ok and he's not being a partner or a parent

a lot of them will do minimal if they are not constantly pulled up for it, unfortunately
showering etc is just avoidance

i had to have constant arguments with dh re: help/time off etc. it really was a battle but we got there about 9 months into it ( when i became really sick in hospital so he had no choice!)
dh wasnt confident and therefore started arguments to avoid it
but he still did dishes, put a wash on, nipped to shops etc
can you get the health visitor out to help him? The nursery nurse can teach them "daddy skills" too
start handing over the baby at teatime and go into your room for an hour- you may have to argoe about it, but stick to your guns about it- if you hear baby crying, go in after a few mins and say " right! So what have you tried? What are you going to try next?"

or simply tell him hes to pay for a cleaner x 3 a week and a childminder a few hours each week too- see how he feels about that?

uch men just need to TOUCH a baby and they get " oh hes an amazing dad..," feel free to put his family straight- my DMIL got a few home truths re ger darling sons behaviour
I love my DC but i absolutely wont be having any more due to the lack of support from DH.

Jesus, your husband is a lazy selfish sod. You don't even get a shower to yourself? What happens if you just hand him the child and ask him to feed/sort out the nappy etc? Why get up yourself at night when the baby is crying? Tell him it's his turn!

Parenting should be 50/50 for the most part, a partnership. My husband did tonnes when I was on leave - he used to change the baby at night even when I was breastfeeding, would cook meals, clean, get up early at the weekends, he was amazing. You are 'working' too, he just happens to be getting paid for his, it doesn't give him an excuse to do feck all the rest of the time.

This has to change for your own sanity, it's not good enough. What sort of example is it setting for your child too. You need to have a serious conversation with him - what is the point of him at all?

If he goes for a walk daily for up to an hour, why on earth is he not taking the baby with him? This is all about expectation and the expectations have to be there from the start. If he has requested a list of tasks then tell him to take baby our for an hour's walk to give you time to think that through. Make a list and set the expectation now before it is too late. I know it feels pathetic that it needs spelling out but once it is done there are no more excuses.
I think some mum's find it hard initially to trust even their partner with new baby and often bad patterns start there.

My partner did ALL of the cooking and cleaning for the first 4 weeks. Now baby is 8 weeks old, we do about 50:50. He works full time, I look after the baby.

During the night, I do all the night wakings/feeds/nappy changes. On the weekend nights, he does all the night stuff apart from feeding. Saturday and Sunday morning he looks after the baby downstairs whilst I sleep for a couple of hours.

Every day he has the baby for an hour or so whilst I shower etc and he does all or most of the nappy changes outside of work hours.

Hes still doing most of the cooking, and I’m doing laundry/housework during the day.

You don’t sound like you’re getting adequate support from him

Did your partner work those hours before you had a baby? If he did did you talk about the impact a baby would have and he'd need to cut back to do his share?

You should have equal leisure hours/free time.

It’s not about ‘helping’ OP it’s his baby as much as yours. He’s working outside the home, you’re working in it. You should both get roughly equivalent time off.

It’s at least something he’s talking about drawing up a rota. He is so adrift you are going to have to write it as he wouldn’t know what needs doing when. start with getting some bloody time off. Are you going back to work in 6 months? If you are that’s a timeframe to work to getting everything sorted.

If you are very tired, you might want to consider switching to formula. It could be a queue for him to take his turn, and will make your day a bit less tiring.

ignore sexist family members, don’t let him keep getting away with this. And I’d watch your language a bit - he’s not helping he’s co-parenting, the baby is a baby not a little one - they are demanding mini humans and you need a break.

You need to ask your partner to attend to the baby.

Commit to a class or meet a friend for drink/ walk in the evenings so he will need to pick up bed times.

If he doesn't offer to look after the baby. You need to tell him!

Thank you everyone for the support and advice. I really appreciate it. Lots to discuss with husband, but has helped a lot to get off my chest and in words first on here.

My partner doesn't help with the baby at all. When he's home/not working he parents the baby 50/50 with me, and often takes the lion's share a) because I'm exhausted and b) because he misses her while at work.

Sorry OP but you need to have a serious conversation with him. It's not the 1950s anymore

Yes, reframe it as parenting, not helping. You aren't 'helping' to look after your own child, you are parenting them. Likewise he shouldn't be 'helping', he should be parenting just like you are.

I don't know how you put up with itOP, that's really not on. I'm on mat leave, 10wk EBF baby. Husband works long days (not as bad as yours, more like full time plus an extra hour most days. He still does a good chunk of housework (although I often need to prompt him) eg puts out a washload and cooks dinner, does bigger jobs/DiY at weekends. I pump 1 bottle each evening and get a wash while he looks after baby, then he does first night feed. He changes plenty of nappies. I hope you can get some improvement out of yours.

Have you mentioned this to him?

A daily hour long shower AND a solo walk are not luxuries time currently allows and he needs to stop. Functional showers (10 min max to wash) and take the baby with him on his walk so you get free time then - and use it as your free time, not time to do more chores

I understand how you feel. I have a nearly 5 months old baby girl and I love her more than anything, I also sometimes feel I need a little break. My husband also works crazy hours and weekends, but I constantly booking activities for myself : pilates, tea with friends etc. I tell the dates in advance to make sure he clears his schedule and that he needs to look after the baby; doesn't give him the option to say no! Thankfully, my husband is very understanding and helps a lot but looks like yours need a more push. Be honest about how you feel and make him do more! It is not optional, it's his baby too! He needs to understand life is changed and he needs to learn how to manage his time!

My DH does minimum 50% of the childcare stuff outside of work hours. Sometimes more because he wants to spend as much time with them as he can. I definitely do more household chores because I have the time but evenings and weekends he does minimum half. He also does breakfast and gets the kids ready in the mornings so I have time to shower and get ready. When we did have nightfeeds, thankfully our babies dropped them early, I did them all but he’d get up early every day to allow me a lie in as compensation.

I understand he works a lot but is there any way of getting him into a little routine with little one? For an example my DP does bath time so he jumps in first then DD gets in with him, I take her out and dress her for bed then she goes downstairs with him and she goes to sleep on him. Don't get me wrong at first I'm sure he thought this was a chore but now he loves that she falls asleep on him and boasts that she won't sleep on me (all in good humour) x

It's not help when it's your own baby..

My dh did a fair share but when i was a sahm I obviously did more as home with them and when he was out from 7 am to 7 pm not a lot he could do. I also did nights mostly as i could sleep when baby did and didn't have work but he would of took them if i struggled
But he always cooked dinners , did housework , took baby off me in evening etc so I could bath, had then if i went out and did his fair share when in the house, as should be as they were both our children not just mine

As much as he can! He works long hours and I’m breastfeeding so he doesn’t actually get to do much but he gets up with baby at 7am and has him until he has to get ready for work at 11am. On his days off we do stuff together but he has him so I can have some time off too.

He’s being so selfish! My husband works long hours but does as much as he can. Takes baby swimming at the weekend so I get a little break, when he had annual leave he took him for an hour walk everyday, goes to pat him in the night if he doesn’t need a feed… I get that when you work long hours and your partner is breastfeeding a lot falls to the mum but he definitely needs to cut out his long showers and walks alone (Next time hand the baby over to him before he goes out the door!) also baby is coming up to 6 months and food will keep him going for a little longer and he could have some expressed milk in a cup if he will take it. Tell husband you are going out and leave the baby with him for a bit.

Its not 'helping' because that implies its your job. He is also a parent.

On maternity leave, outside of working hours we split the care 50/50 on parenting and all housework. When I was doing more childcare (because DD would always just want me) then he picked up more of the housework.

Anything less is honestly just unacceptable.

It's not part of motherhood that you should just be exhausted and unsupported all the time. It's not acceptable - he is a parent too, it's not just all on you. I feel for you, I hope you can get the support you need by speaking to him about it.

My husband works full-time, spends most of the working week at home and is quite strict with it ie being in a separate room with door closed. Since baby was born he has given bottle of expressed breast milk in the evening and has done most bedtimes since birth although we are now alternating. I BF through the night and husband doesn't get up during night unless it's particularly bad and I need help. He doesn't do much during day due to work but if baby having meltdown he is on hand and I've been known to interrupt him and hand over baby for 10 mins to get break. At weekends he takes the lead usually although I need to remind on timings, nappies etc. We share housework and since baby he's probably done lion's share.