Dd15 mental health and school refusing

[warofthemonstertrucks]

Dd2 (15) attempted suicide a month ago via overdose. She was assaulted just before Christmas last year, and additionally had been getting bullied at school by girls in her 'friendship' group.
She has camhs involvement and a safety plan in place that involves locking away sharps, ligature items, meds etc. school have put in place staggered start times and out of lesson learning and before half term she had been going in-not finding it easy but managing it.
she has been given medication and this seems to be working. For the last week she has been pretty good, cheerful even.
Today she should have been back in school and has refused to go or even until half an hour ago to get up.
We are trying to find a different school
For her but that doesn't happen overnight.
I have now missed another day at work as I had no one to watch her. Her dad (we are divorced) is away for work this week and say he will try and wfh when he can (a fair bit-he is quite senior and can dial in to meetings etc). Other than that I have no one to help (my parents are elderly and infirm).
What options do I have here? I don't feel safe to leave her all day. But I have to work or else we will lose our house-I won't be able to lay the mortgage I'm in a new job, (I manage care services so I have to be in them, I can work from
Home once in a blue moon). I don't get paid to be off sick and I used up all my accrued holiday very quickly.
The stress of this is making me ill tbh-I've no idea how we'll manage. And off rouse I'm worried about her in general.

Really worried I'm about to fail my probation at work on top of everything else.
I wondered about trying to employ someone to sit with her-but it's not like getting a child minder when they are little-and it would cost probably half my salary.

No idea what to do!

Is there any scope for you

Posted too soon. Is there any scope for you to bring her to work with you? When I had a mental health crisis as a teen I spent 3 weeks doing GCSE work books in the back room at the GP surgery my mum worked at.

I manage care services for very mentally I'll people (ironically). It wouldn't be seen as appropriate (and could be quite risky) for her to be with me unfortunately.

Can she go into work with you initially? I assume she needs to not be alone due to risk of self-harm/suicide attempts. Once she is more stable, is there any day centre she can go to, perhaps check with Mind and other mental health charities as to what might be available in your community.

Is there a new school that can take her on starting in September? If so, I’d consider pulling her out of school the rest of this year and restarting her year in September. My DD missed a year of school for medical reasons when she was 16/17 and so started her A levels a year late. The schools were very supportive and worked with the doctors and council and everything. Apparently, it’s not that uncommon that a child may need to be signed off school long term due to physical or mental illness.

Not feeling any pressure to go ever back to the school and ever again be around her bullies/attackers would probably help her mental state immensely.

I can't take her in with me. Hopefully we will have a new school for her to start in September. And she will be better in herself. But that leaves us short term with June, July, august to cover where we can't leave her for a long time on her own. (Normally in the summer holidays we would leave her at home or she would have been out and about with her mates-but we can't do that currently or for the foreseeable really).

That’s really tough. I hope you find a solution.

Have you spoken with school with what they can offer? Can she go in and work in a quiet room/ library/ support centre.

This week might be a write off with dad being away but a combination of the above and then home based with dad when he's back may work, and shorter amounts of time on her own.

Have a chat with CAMHS about leaving her on her own for a few hours at a time.

When she's at home ask school give her work to do.

School have been great. Let her work in the senior leadership room, staggered starts etc etc.
she has actually gone in today. Albeit at half nine and I'll pick her up at 1. Doesn't help with work
Really but at least she went over the threshold. I lost it with her this morning I'm ashamed to say :( she was screaming in my face and I nearly slapped her. The whole thing is just awful.

so stressful for you. compassion is the most important thing but that's towards yourself as well as her. are you getting any support?
you should be able to take 'exceptional' leave days or some such - have you explained your situation to work?

i'm afraid i see the sense in what others have said about writing this term off and taking the pressure off her - starting again in sept but with therapy/support in the meantime so she feels in a different place.
i know how it feels to be at the end of your tether. sending supportive vibes.

Work know what's happens and have been ok so far but patience is wearing thin.

Thankyou for your response. No real support for me at this point-I probably need some help tbh but at this point have neither the funds nor the time to get it :(

My poor other DD is in the middle of her GCSE's...trying and failing to keep everything away from her so she can concentrate on her exams :(

She may be ill but she also has to accept you need to work to support her and that involves her going to school. They are supporting her working in alternative rooms etc, so there is no reason why she shouldn't go.

sorry - sounds really tough for all of you.

i know it's hard but keep talking to work - they may have more patience than you fear/assume. i speak as a manager - yes, it often is inconvenient but any compassionate individual will understand that these things happen and can happen to anyone - it is not your fault and it is not your DDs fault. all you can do is deal with it, one day at a time if necessary.
is there no employee support programme through your work which you can access?

From an education pov, if DD cannot attend school full time due to her MH the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative arrangements. This should begin once it becomes clear the pupil will miss 15 days - DD doesn’t have to have already missed the days and the days don’t need to be consecutive. In addition to this, you should apply for an EHCNA. The advantage of an EHCP, other than the other support that can be gotten via it, is it can include therapies in excess of what is typically otherwise available via CAMHS.

From a financial pov, have you applied for DLA for DD?

No no benefits applied for. I didn't even think I'd be eligible tbh.

We applied to the LA to change her school and have given the reasons-awaiting response. Though that might just be swapping one set of anxieties for another anyway so might not be the remedy she thinks it will be.

Her camhs nurse is going to look at some sort of educational unit for kids struggling with their mental health but as yet hasn't come back to us. That might be the lifeline we need. Although still won't help over the summer holidays. We have two weeks covered with booked annual leave. My DP can cover a third week-but that still
Leaves three to sort out. Im hoping her dads family might be able to help-but at the same time if she is so poorly it's not necessarily the right thing to give her to someone else to look after in any way.

I might just have to look at if I can claim some benefits of some sort and bite the bullet and hand in my notice-then maybe get some flexible work that I can juggle better with when other people aren't at work to look after her.
It will screw my career a bit and I'm not sure we'll make ends meet but there might not be another choice at this point.

maybe don't rush into leaving work - talk to them and see what the options are. it is harder as you are on probation but you could ask about unpaid leave, until you get back on an even keel. i appreciate you may not be entitled to it but there might be something your manager can do as an exception. do you work for a large organisation with HR and policies and such?
think about what you need right now - say you took a break until September - 12 weeks or so - would that give you and dd the space you need? could you manage financially - maybe with support of father? or could he take unpaid leave if his job is more established?

i'm just trying to think through scenarios - brainstorming (if that is helpful - do say if not!)

re-reading your OP, i do think your ex DH needs to step up. the question is 'what does DD need?' and then you need to figure out how you - jointly - can best support that. it's not all down to you. there are two parents, the school, and various agencies at play. Can you organise a joint meeting once you and ex DH have figured out a preferred strategy?

It is helpful fretful Thankyou
I can't take that long off work really- it's care services and they need someone registered to be in-it effects the registration of you are off for more than 30 days-plus they are a mess at the best of times unfortunately.
Not that I'm much use at the minute anyway :(

Her dad is a bit head in the sand-he wants her to get better and quick so he keeps telling himself that will be the case and therefore wont entertain discussions around changing how we do things in terms of work/finances. I will try again but he isn't really approachable on it. He won't take any extended leave I don't think- though that would probably be the easiest option and his work would almost certainly give him it-but it just isn't something he would do.
I will chase up CAMHS today around whatever their special educational provision is-that might tide us over for a bit.

You should apply for DLA, the Cerebra guide is helpful for completing the form.

It is the LA with responsibility for sorting education if DD cannot attend school, so chase them as well as CAMHS. IPSEA have a model letter you can use to apply for an EHCNA.

Thankyou I will look in to it x