Social services: DD has made allegations of abuse

[AngryDD]

NC for obvious reasons.

I got a call out of the blue today from social services. DD burst into tears at school today over a mark on her uniform and said that I would hit her round the head and make her sleep on the floor as a punishment. The school has initiated their safeguarding procedures and informed SS. They're happy for me to take her home from school today but will have a more in-depth phone call with me tomorrow.

I'm devastated. I couldn't care less about DD's uniform and she would never be punished for damage to uniform or physically punished in any way. All I can think this has come from is that she saw her father yesterday and she's upset and lashing out. Her father is an abusive alcoholic and I'm following legal advice to protect her. We've been separated and divorced for 6 years and hie behaviour is erratic at best. He rarely turns up for arranged contact and is often hours late, or behaves inappropriately. She's been having private counselling this year to help her work through her feelings about him and it's emerged that he tells her that it's my fault that he doesn't see her very often and that I keep him away out of spite. She believes him.

I don't know how else to help her. She's obviously very hurt and unhappy but she's very loved and has attention, cuddles, stories, songs, friends over, activities, everything she could want except a decent father. She loves DH and they have a great relationship. I can't make her father be a decent human being, even if I wish I could.

I don't know what SS will do. I don't want to believe that they'd ask a court to take her and DS away from me, but if they think I'm harming her then what else would happen?

They need proof that you are harming her, and presumably there won’t be any.
‘There is an age where kids tend to tell whoppers, I think it’s about year 4.
Just absolutely comply with SS and I’m sure it will be fine.

Honestly things will not escalate to the point they will be removed. Comply with any queries and appointments they make, keep reassuring dd that you love her, and are there if she wants to talk.

Maybe look at some form of counselling for her/them, and consider reducing visits to their father if not currently court ordered.

She is in year 4. She makes up silly things like having a pony, not big things like this.

I've reduced contact right down but he still barely turns up. How can I protect her from the awful things he says about me? Stop contact completely? There's no court order in place.

Reducing contact was on the advice of a family law solicitor BTW.

I would stop contact totally. If he cares he can take you to court.

As for your daughter, I was very similar as a kid. I shockingly insecure as my mother would frequently love Bob me and then withdraw totally. I felt very little self worth. I told stories in school but it wasn't out of malice, I couldn't vocalise my feelings and didn't even know where I stood inside my own body. Looking back, what I needed was emotional stability from one parent. And a hobby that I loved. Something I could have excelled at and gained my peers approval with. Instead, as a young teen I tried to use sex as validation and that just screwed me up even more.

I've been trying so hard to be consistent and there for her. I work from 6am so that I can leave early to make sure I can collect her from school. I am always there in the evenings and talk to her about her day and her friends and things that are interesting to her. She's tried all sorts of activities to find something she's good at and loves but hasn't fixed on anything in particular yet. She's got a very mild speech difficulty that she gets S&LT involvement for and I go to the meetings and training so I know how to help.

Just seen the family worker at the school. Absolutely mortified but she was really nice. We talked about the different options for supporting DD but as she's already been seeing a counselor there doesn't sound like much else. We'll see what SS say tomorrow and the family worker will talk to CHUMS.

I just wanted to say that I completely know how you are feeling. My Step son accused his dad (my DH) of hurting him which is far from the truth. In our case, it is the mum alienating step son from his dad so he feels pressured to say these sorts of things. Could that be the case with you? It sounds from what you have said that your ex speaks negatively about you which will impact your child.

I will be completely honest and say, from my experience, social services are rubbish at recognising parental alienation and often take what the child says at face value. Like a PP said though, there needs to be evidence.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing that RosieRooster83. The family worker mentioned CAFCASS but I don't see how that would help as she is being told all sorts of horriblevand untrue things by exH. I keep crying and then feeling worse because I know I need to pull myself together for the DC. The tears just keep slipping out.

DD is perfectly happy this afternoon, skipped out of school and gave me a hug, then held my hand and chattered about her day. We're currently on the sofa eating chocolate and watching Sister Sister. She handed me a box of tissues just now though! I've told her she's not in trouble and I love her very much.

Just a quick update for the posters who were kind enough to give help and reassurance. Social services phoned phoned back during the week and said they had no concerns about DD while she was in my care. They've recommended supervised contact with her dad but aren't planning to stay involved. I'm relieved but also concerned that they think her dad's situation is serious enough for that.

If your ex is in the habit of saying awful things to your DD, I’d bet this is something he has said to her. “I bet your mum will hit you and make you sleep on the floor, you’re so naughty” and she has got overwhelmed and it’s seeped into her little mind when she’s upset. Children can’t always rationalise the things they are told or fit them into what they’re feeling in the moment.

Oh how horrible for you, and for her to be around negativity from your ex. I am glad it worked out ok with regards to SS.

So offer up bare minimum supervised contact. Don't be bullied. If he doesn't show imo you need to gently coax dd he isn't in a great place to be a great df right now. It is no reflection on her but on him. Maybe a time to explain some adults can't be great parents or even great adults..

Will SS make a referall to the contact centre for you? Contact centres aren't big and scary, often held in church halls with lots of toys and activities for the children to use whilst spending time with their parent. Staff volunteers are on hand to step in to support the parent child relationship.

As for your DDs disclosure sometimes children make things up as a cry for help whilst dealing with complex emotions, sometimes they make things up because a friend has said something similar or it's happened in a book or film, or sometimes they make it up for no reason. I had a happy childhood but that didn't stop me telling my Yr 3 teacher my mum had hit me because I was bad when I had two black eyes. in truth she had hit me - playing Frisbee evidently when I unfortunately caught it with my face, right between the eyes. Teacher rightly called SS and my mum had to explain herself.

I have always said if you expect your child to tell you the truth then you should tell the truth to her/him. Tell your daughter the truth about her father. That he is addicted to alcohol. That hr tells here things that aren't true. That the two of you do not live with him because he hurt you. If no child support paid, tell her that too. Let her know You are the one who will always be there to take care of her.
And after this episode has passed, let her know that lying to the teacher about being punished at home could cause you - and her - serious problems (job loss, arrest, foster care, etc.)

When a kid my cousin told hermteacher her mum was always down the pub every night. Not even remotely true.

I can remember lying at that age. Glad your case has been closed. Sounds like supervised contact with the dad might be a good thing