Is this the difference between mom's and dads and I have to accept it?

[Cuddles21]

Hi all

So, I'm a first time mom of a little boy who is 5.5 months and I'm back to work quite soon. I look after the cleaning, ironing, cooking (for us and DS who is weaning) and I find I'm constantly stressed and juggling. My husband on the other hand, doesn't even bring my plate to the dishwasher after we've eaten despite the fact I handed him his plate of dinner! Generally he doesn't even wash up after I've cooked even though we have a 'you cook, I'll clean policy'. He'll look after bins and floors etc but I find I've always more to do, including getting DS ready if we're going somewhere. I hate always feeling like I'm nagging! Is this the reality of the mom and dad world or is he just taking advantage a bit?

Well he's obviously taking advantage, but what was he like before you had DC?

No - not the difference between mums and dads. The difference between a person that does their share and a lazy passenger.

Well I probably always did more and just never noticed to be honest. I don't mind doing laundry or cooking but it's a lot more work with a baby in the mix. I'm wondering if I should just let things unfold naturally when I go back to work as he'll have to help more or can I take it up casually before that? I just don't know how to approach without sounding like I'm giving out cos I know he's probably frustrated at me for things I don't know about so don't want it to become a back and forth blame game.

Just stop cooking and washing for him. Tell him he is man enough to father a dc he is man enough to manage his own stuff.

No, its the difference between selfish and non-selfish people.

It’s inconsiderate of him to not take your plate in. I often have to say ‘oi! What about mine!’ to my DH too. He’s just completely blinkered to what’s around him.

I don’t think stopping doing anything for him will solve anything. You’ll just eventually run out of plates!

Does he work FT and you’re on mat leave? I only ask, because I work far fewer hours than DH and therefore feel it is fair that I do the lions share of the housework. I also do housework in about 10% of the time it takes him.

You say yours does the bins and floor and then you said ‘etc’ - what other chores does he do under the ‘etc’?

I think you need a 'business/family' meeting. Ok so i am back to work next month. Lets start with Mondays, do you want to get DC up dressed and breakfasted or do his tea and bedtime? Who is picking him up from nursery monday? Would you prefer to cook monday wednesday friday or tuesday thursday sunday? Etc. Would you prefer to be responsible for food shopping or laundry? If you do the bins and gardening im happy to iron. Etc etc etc

Note it all down. Put on fridge. Then stick to it. If he forgets something do not step in, let it fail. He is an adult. Dont parent him. It will pain you to watch it play out. He may want you to crack.

Its not a conversation he will enjoy. But its an entirely normal adjusting to new way of life thing to do.

This

Yes this - I especially like the Toddler Choices strategy being used here

Well he also cuts the grass and we have cats so he changes the litter too.

He has offered to get up to help get DC ready in the morning so I will take him up on that. He works FT from home whereas I'm in the office so I will drop DC off on way to work and collect on the way home as I can work it into my route to work. I'm planning that I will prepare dinner the night before for the next day and he can put it on and have it ready for us coming in from work/childcare and I'm hoping that he will clean up afterwards. This is what I'm hoping will happen!

Don't hope - tell him that's what you expect.

And if he's working from home he can put on a load of washing AND hang it out as well. That's what you would do so he can too, just as well as you. And don't take any 'I don't know how to work the washing machine' etc. If he can work a computer, he can work a washing machine. he can also be there for a food delivery from the supermarket and put it all away too.

That's what lunchtimes are for.......

You need to have an honest and frank conversation about how things will work when you're back at work. Don't just hope, as you will be disappointed. He needs to step up and stop seeing 'taking care of his child' as women's work. Getting the child ready in the morning shouldn't be seen as 'helping you' which implies it's your job and he's doing you a favour. It's simply him, parenting his child.

😂I noticed this too

Why are you dropping off and picking up if he's working from home? Surely that's the benefit of wfh - that pickups and drops offs are easier?

There isn't a difference. He's just leaving it up to you. See this cartoon on chores and the mental load.

Is this the reality of the mom and dad world or is he just taking advantage a bit?

Yes, he's taking advantage.

From what I read on Mumsnet it seems to be the reality for a number of Mums and Dads. But it shouldn't be. And it doesn't need to be. It's not my reality.

He shouldn’t be “offering” - his mindset is that all of this is your job and he can offer to help you if he wants to. The mindset should be that you are both adults, both parents and you are looking after your child jointly.

Yes yes to the meeting and rules on the fridge. Present as a family plan.

have emergency food in.
do a monthly meal plan, and just rotate.
anything you don’t care about, leave to him.

the KEY point is don’t rescue him if he messes up, unless it REALLY impacts the baby. Let him get on with it. He’ll probably be a bit rubbish on purpose to see if you do it for him.

crazy clothes choices - fine.
late to pick up / drop off - fine.
he doesn’t have clean clothes - fine

drop your standards for a bit and if you can, get a cleaner.

I agree with others, a sit down meeting, don't hope or maybe he will "help" (you mean parent) lay it out. As you are out of the house he should be up with his child to feed, wash and dress whilst you get yourself ready, bag packed for nursery and you and the baby out the door.

Agree what is happening about dinners, who is cooking, who is washing up etc. I will confess I never had to do this as Dh was always rolling his sleeves up and involved, from day 1. As a sahm I did all weekday meals, on the weekend he did all the lunches and dinners. We both had a lie in, him on a Saturday, me on a Sunday.

You need to nip stuff in the bud now, if he stands up and leaves your plate you ask him to take yours through, when dinner is over you remind him that you cooked so now he has to wash up. The schedule is a much better idea, it lays out your expectations and his.

Never, ever, offset things like DIY, gardening, cars, bins against the everyday of cooking/cleaning/childs bag packing. Those would offset against something like buying new childrens clothes, child party organising, going to the dentist - the non routine things that have to happen, but aren't the daily grind.
Also I note you are going to organise dinner for him to just put on the next day - so you've planned the meal, shopped for it, chopped/peeled and cleaned up from that and his work is to put it in the oven? Don't discount the thinking that goes into life.

Have a frank discussion about how much each of you do.
Lay it out: this is what I do, this is what you do. This is how much free time I get, this is how much free time you get- is this fair?

This sort of thing usually gets worse if not addressed. Your time isn’t worth less than his just because you’re female.

Do NOT take your child to nursery because you work in an office. He will not get the child ready in time and your mornings will be a stressful nightmare. He drops off (he’s not commuting so has more time) and you can pick up at your leisure.

Now is the time to be utterly ruthless.

I agree with making the plan. Daily plan with what needs doing each day. Starting with getting up with the baby and ending with whatever the final tasks of the day are - bedtime, laundry, getting up in the night etc.

Start from a position that you will do half each, the baby is half of each of you after all. "It makes sense for me to do pick ups so I'll put you down for drop offs, ok" etc.

Don't let him fool you that you owe him cooking and cleaning because you've done it up to now. Your baby needs two capable parents not one who is run ragged and one who is waited on like a king!

I think it’s great you’ve noticed this and you’re trying to work out how to tackle it while your baby is still young. I’ve read far too many things on here from women who have clearly let their partner take the piss for far too long and are boiling over with resentment. Your child is still tiny; I’m sure you have the power to create a new dynamic in your relationship, and you’ve had some good suggestions here. Good luck

100%

even better start leaving super early so that you leave work early too. If you aren’t there then he’ll manage.