First Time mum and constantly crying, worrying I am doing it all wrong

[BigBubblesX]

Hi all,
All I've ever wanted is a family of my own, dreamt of it for years and when I met my partner we discussed a family and decided to wait until we knew each other well and my partner had a career on track (he started university when we met), we started TTC a few years ago and encountered fertility issues, mean it took us a while to conceive each time, and we also had several miscarriages, four in total, before we conceived our daughter, fifth time lucky. So I always thought I knew what I was getting myself in for, I had a bit of a dramatic birth which needed forceps as she was in distress due to labour progressing so quicker (5cm to 10cm in 40 minutes) so birth plan obviously went out the window, but I was aware it probably would and wanted to do everything in my power to get baby here safely. Once here we had a rough start and basically spent the first week in hospital as she was so unwell, she is better now but suffering the after effects of the drugs given in hospital still.
I thought I could do this, especial after all we went through to actually get here here, but I am constantly doubting everything I do, every time she cries I tense up as I am terrified she is unwell again, she barely sleeps in the day, and wakes so much in the night so I am running of barely any sleep and constantly crying as I just feel so hormonal and emotional, and that I am a shit mum. My partner has been amazing, but I feel like he is at the end of his tether with me now as he is constantly having to reassurance me that I am doing a good job, she is looked after and happy. But she is so fussy, I feel like it's my fault because I stress so much about her that she is stressed as well, so I feel guilty about that, I feel guilty about her being unwell and I'm not looking after myself either as I just focus on her and making sure she is OK, and when she is down for a nap I don't want to move for fear of waking her and starting all over again, so I don't get a chance to sort myself out. People have offered to help, and I had to call my mum last week as I just couldn't cope with the lack of sleep and her refusing to sleep all day and evening! I just feel like they are judging me and that I should be able to do this on my own as I've always wanted kids. I can't bare to call his mum either as we don't get along so she stresses me out too much, so would make the situation worse and wouldn't help me relax at all, but my mum and sister are more than helpful. My partner offers to cook when he gets home and take her for her evening feed, but I feel like I'm burdening him even the he makes it clear he is happy to do it and wants to spend time with his daughter, and he feels like I don't trust him with her now which isn't the case at all and then I feel awful for making him think that.
When baby is finally asleep, I feel myself worry that she will stop breathing in the night, so wake up and check her to make sure she is OK.
I know my body is still healing and adjusting to post partum life (she is 4 weeks old), but I never thought I would be this hormonal this long after birth! I love my daughter so much and I wouldn't be without her, but I wish I felt more 'normal', and wonder if this behavior is normal and will pass? Will things get easier/better with her and lack of sleep? I just think hormones and sleep deprivation don't go well with me, and I don't know how to cope better with them so I don't look like a miserable bitch all the time, as I'm not i am happy she is here but just want sleep!

Oh you sound shattered, it is so hard at first and I reckon you are doing great. Trust me nobody would be judging you, anyone who has had a baby knows exactly what you are going through.

And however much you want a baby nothing prepares you for the reality. I expect your mum doesn't want to fuss too much as she doesn't want you to feel like she's taking over and wants you to be able to find your own way.

If you can get a nights sleep you will feel so much better. Can you get someone to look after baby overnight and express some milk beforehand if you are nursing her?

If you carry on feeling like this maybe talk to your HV or GP, but it is so normal for it to be completely overwhelming. Hopefully some others will post soon with more advice.

The sleep deprivation of the early weeks is so hard, easily the hardest part of having a baby for me. I don't think anything can prepare you for it. Please take all help that is offered and keep asking for more, we need to look after ourselves too. It will get better x

Bless you, you must be so tired.

First off I will say that I could have almost written your post word for word 3 years ago, I never quite understood how overwhelming becoming a new mother was and I was at the time angry no one had told me.

I still now jump and have a lurch in my stomach when she makes the slightest peep in the night which even now is rare but I still get a chill. Even hearing a baby cry on tv when she's in bed sends me into a panic, but that's me!

A few things I would suggest that really helped me;

1- Buy a newborn carrier and get out for a walk once a day. She will nap in the carrier, hopefully, and you will feel better for the air.

2- take DH/DP up on the offer of the evening feed and take yourself out for a walk with some headphones and music, I cannot stress enough how a 20 minute walk with the dog and some favourite music can really alter my mindset.

3- take people up on their offers, even your MIL if it means you can have 30/ 60 mins you time. People will want to help

Finally I promise it gets so so so much easier and soon you will start to reap the rewards through smiles, gurgling etc. I've found every stage mostly easier and more rewarding than the last. Don't beat yourself up your doing amazing.

4 weeks is absolutely grim. I promise you it gets better.
do anything at all to get naps into the baby (parents doing walks in the buggy etc) and sleep whenever you can, day or night.
it will be ok. You are in the trenches now but THIS IS A PHASE AND IT SHALL PASS.

Every mum feels that they’re getting it wrong. I know I did. My son was so difficult and I was exhausted and sore for months after he was born. It is hard hard work. You know what? My son is now 12, he’s got no idea how difficult it was and he knows I love him to pieces.
you will get through these first few weeks/months I promise. Take each day as it comes and don’t feel you have to do anything. Seriously, just eat, sleep and cuddle dd for a few days. Get out for a short walk to get some fresh air but just spend time with her without worrying that anything needs doing. It doesn’t. Just cuddle, feed and if she’s really cranky a walk in the pram will take the edge off. It will get better really soon.

Talk to your MW or HV and tell them how you're feeling. Hand her over to your partner after you've eaten supper and go to bed and sleep. My son started with colic from day 3.. by week 3 he was screaming between 7pm and 5am every day - the only way we survived was to take shifts - I went to bed at 8 / 9pm and my husband had him and we swapped at 12 / 1am and I continued until he eventually went to sleep at 5am... The early days are not necessarily easy. If there's a relation or friend that offers help that won't adversely affect you, please consider taking it (My parents came up and stayed nearby and helped during the day and left for the evening during the first week so that we didn't have to worry about any cleaning, washing or cooking, which was amazing). Please try to accept assistance from anyone that you feel won't adversely affect your mental health - it doesn't mean you failed in anyway - you'll simply be doing what's necessary in these difficult circumstances.

Please don't feel that YOU need to do everything. She is also your husband's - and both you and he have parents who also may be able to support you.

We all get it a bit wrong. It's inevitable. There is no proper training, just learning on the job. Somehow we muddle through and it all works out fine. It doesn't seem to have messed up our kids.

Oh I promise it will get better. It will totally get better.

You are 4 weeks post birth, you are right in the thick of the shit bit, I hated it, worried endlessly. I had a sensor pad under my DS that would detect if he stopped breathing, I was convinced every red mark, every cry meant something major. It was bloody awful. Not relaxing, not lovely, not a bonding experience just bloody awful.

But every month will get easier, then before you know it you will have a 5 year old that sleeps for hours, you have your life back and you will forget this period completely.

My advice for this stage, not for everyone but it helped me as I was a worrier:
— Get a routine going (there are loads, find a book you like the routine of)
— Get your partner to help with the late 9-10pm feeds, get to bed at 8pm every night for the next 6 weeks if you can. He does the late one and you do the night ones after midnight.
—Your DH does need time without his daughter without you, he needs to bond, let him, don't make a rod for your own back and regret it later. Hand her over and go get in the bath.
— DH can do dinner, nappies, sterilise bottles etc whatever you need, you will not get a medal for struggling through on your own. Use as much help as possible
—Ask your mum to help
—Post on mumsnet every time you have a question, the women on here are amazing at advice, they have helped me through so much, it's like having a 1000 mums with advice

Congratulations by the way and you are doing a great job 👏🏼

Oh bless you. I feel you wo very much. I felt/feel the exact same. I've always wanted a baby and couldn't wait to have my own and thought it would be wonderful. Well it is but not all the time. We're 15 weeks down the line from you so I came give specific advice about 4 weeks as I honestly can't remember I just wanted you to know you're not alone and no matter what you think your baby loves you and you're their entire world. It's bloody hard work, keep going and it will get better.

so can't

At 4 weeks I was ready to give my ds back and flee the country, I was convinced I was the world's worst mother. At six weeks after a very long night when I was utterly exhausted, he smiled at me. And it got better from there. It really did.

Talk to your health visitor or gp about post natal anxiety, they will be able to help you. And make sure you let your partner pitch in to give you some sleep. Everything looks better after a solid three hours sleep, I promise.

At the moment you are trying to learn the toughest job in the world, getting to know a tiny human who doesn't know night from day, all while recovering from pregnancy and giving birth, and while getting the kind of sleep pattern that would probably be considered torture under the Geneva convention. Do not be too hard on yourself right now. It will get better, I promise.

My love I only scan read that I’m afraid but just to say my first’s birth was similar - 2cm-born in 40 mins with forceps with no pain relief. He was literally physically traumatised from the speed of it and so had some kinks to work out. He could only turn his head one way for example. So do consider that and try and find solutions, people seem to forget that newborns can have sore muscles, headaches etc. For us the cranial osteopath worked wonders, people say it’s bunkum but in my opinion it’s worth a shot - can’t do any harm as they hardly touch them. Look after yourself as that delivery is no joke, took me a year of physio to recover from mine 💐

You can do this. 4 weeks is not a good time to measure how good a parent you are. The sleep deprivation is awful. You’re feeling bad because it’s difficult, not because you’re crap at it.

Grit your teeth, get through it. Accept all offers of help. Sleep when you can. It’s hard, but you’re not alone ☕️

And breathe... 4 weeks postpartum is still so fresh. Give yourself time. Time time time. Things will start to fall into place eventually but it can takes months so it's normal to feel like your world has been turned upside down. Because it just has. And time to adapt is needed. But it doesn't happen in a month.

Sending you a hug. I remember feeling the same way. Being a new mum is so overwhelming and terrifying.

You are definitely doing a good job, I can tell from your post. And your love for DD shines through. It will get easier I promise.

Go for a daily walk, focus on having good nourishing food ( lean on others to provide it). Let your partner take over in the evenings while you rest. And if your mum and sister are helpful, lean on them too. A few daytime naps while they keep an eye on DD will help.

It’s impossible to convey to anyone without DC just how tough those first few months are but you will get through it Take care

Thank you all, it's nice to know that what I'm feeling is quite normal, you just think it's going to be wonderful and feel guilty that it isn't, something I don't want to admit out loud if that makes sense!

I adore my daughter so much, but it's just so hard! Definitely think the lack of sleep is a massive contribution to my feelings, I was a bit anxious in pregnancy due to previous losses and thought it would ease after she was born, how wrong was I!

She does struggle with going down to sleep, wakes up about 20 minutes later and can't seem to settle herself back down so we just keep going through that cycle and so I don't get any sleep and nor does she, does anyone have any tips on how to get her to sleep? I use a sling in the morning as she seems most unsettled then but I can't sleep in a sling, in the afternoons it's hit and miss with her actually going down for a nap ☹.

Sleep tips.
The things that worked for both my babies:

Crib raised slightly at the head end, so baby sleeps a little upright, we propped ours on a couple of books.
Swaddling, DS especially loved this - i realised he would fall asleep when I cuddled him and wake up when I let him go so swaddling stopped him feeling the sensation of being let go quite as much.
White noise, we had a white noise machine that played all night.
Lots and lots of winding, more than you think you need.
Starting to create a night time routine, lights on low, not too much noise, maybe a bath, get ready for bed etc. (I used to take DS in the bath with me, which was nice). they don't need a lot at that age but it helps them start to recognise night time and day time, since they don't have a handle on that at all at the moment.
From about 3 months on we gave dd a dream feed at about 10pm which helped a bit.

Whatever you try, it isn't going to work instantly, it needs time to settle in and have an impact. So if it's not effective the first night, keep trying for a few nights.

Oh @BigBubblesX you sound like a typical first time mum in the early stages with some intrusive thoughts thrown in for good measure.

People are not judging you whatsoever, they’ve all been where you are and know what you are going through. It does get easier with time but please do let people help as much as they are able to. Try to get out of the house even if it’s just for a walk round the block.

If you’re really struggling please speak to HV or GP for more specific help.

This is a really good ,practical post and I agree with everything posted.

You don't have to get on with your MIL, ring her up and say you're really shattered and could she come and hold the baby while you try and get some sleep, I bet my mortgage she's be thrilled to bits to help even if it's only for an hour. Same with your mum, take her up on offers of help and get your head down and sleep.

Definitely get fresh air as often as you can even if it's a walk round the block, it helps enormously.

This is the shit bit and it's really hard but most people have felt like you , it's still REALLY early days, give yourself a break and let your dh help!