All I've ever wanted is a family of my own, dreamt of it for years and when I met my partner we discussed a family and decided to wait until we knew each other well and my partner had a career on track (he started university when we met), we started TTC a few years ago and encountered fertility issues, mean it took us a while to conceive each time, and we also had several miscarriages, four in total, before we conceived our daughter, fifth time lucky. So I always thought I knew what I was getting myself in for, I had a bit of a dramatic birth which needed forceps as she was in distress due to labour progressing so quicker (5cm to 10cm in 40 minutes) so birth plan obviously went out the window, but I was aware it probably would and wanted to do everything in my power to get baby here safely. Once here we had a rough start and basically spent the first week in hospital as she was so unwell, she is better now but suffering the after effects of the drugs given in hospital still.
I thought I could do this, especial after all we went through to actually get here here, but I am constantly doubting everything I do, every time she cries I tense up as I am terrified she is unwell again, she barely sleeps in the day, and wakes so much in the night so I am running of barely any sleep and constantly crying as I just feel so hormonal and emotional, and that I am a shit mum. My partner has been amazing, but I feel like he is at the end of his tether with me now as he is constantly having to reassurance me that I am doing a good job, she is looked after and happy. But she is so fussy, I feel like it's my fault because I stress so much about her that she is stressed as well, so I feel guilty about that, I feel guilty about her being unwell and I'm not looking after myself either as I just focus on her and making sure she is OK, and when she is down for a nap I don't want to move for fear of waking her and starting all over again, so I don't get a chance to sort myself out. People have offered to help, and I had to call my mum last week as I just couldn't cope with the lack of sleep and her refusing to sleep all day and evening! I just feel like they are judging me and that I should be able to do this on my own as I've always wanted kids. I can't bare to call his mum either as we don't get along so she stresses me out too much, so would make the situation worse and wouldn't help me relax at all, but my mum and sister are more than helpful. My partner offers to cook when he gets home and take her for her evening feed, but I feel like I'm burdening him even the he makes it clear he is happy to do it and wants to spend time with his daughter, and he feels like I don't trust him with her now which isn't the case at all and then I feel awful for making him think that.
When baby is finally asleep, I feel myself worry that she will stop breathing in the night, so wake up and check her to make sure she is OK.
I know my body is still healing and adjusting to post partum life (she is 4 weeks old), but I never thought I would be this hormonal this long after birth! I love my daughter so much and I wouldn't be without her, but I wish I felt more 'normal', and wonder if this behavior is normal and will pass? Will things get easier/better with her and lack of sleep? I just think hormones and sleep deprivation don't go well with me, and I don't know how to cope better with them so I don't look like a miserable bitch all the time, as I'm not i am happy she is here but just want sleep!
First Time mum and constantly crying, worrying I am doing it all wrong
BigBubblesX · 04/06/2022 21:20
ohmyohmyy · 04/06/2022 21:43
Bless you, you must be so tired.
First off I will say that I could have almost written your post word for word 3 years ago, I never quite understood how overwhelming becoming a new mother was and I was at the time angry no one had told me.
I still now jump and have a lurch in my stomach when she makes the slightest peep in the night which even now is rare but I still get a chill. Even hearing a baby cry on tv when she's in bed sends me into a panic, but that's me!
A few things I would suggest that really helped me;
1- Buy a newborn carrier and get out for a walk once a day. She will nap in the carrier, hopefully, and you will feel better for the air.
2- take DH/DP up on the offer of the evening feed and take yourself out for a walk with some headphones and music, I cannot stress enough how a 20 minute walk with the dog and some favourite music can really alter my mindset.
3- take people up on their offers, even your MIL if it means you can have 30/ 60 mins you time. People will want to help
Finally I promise it gets so so so much easier and soon you will start to reap the rewards through smiles, gurgling etc. I've found every stage mostly easier and more rewarding than the last. Don't beat yourself up your doing amazing.
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