What to say to 5 year old about contact with dad

[Buzlightyear1]

Hi I was wondering if anyone can help. I'm lost at what to say, my 5 year old has rubbish contact with his dad due to him being a pratt who chose drugs. He also has been pretty horrible to myself and put our son in danger.

I have been supervising accesses but I'm really at the end of what I can do, I'm not sleeping having nightmares. So I've reached out for hell and have a meeting coming up in 2 weeks to try and sort out a contact center. My ex doesn't know this yet I'm scared of his reaction.

The problem is what I do in between now and the appointment. My son has been in tears this morning asking when he can see his dad and blaming himself. Its so upsetting to see him like this. Even if I contact his dad I doubt very much he will turn up and if he did it would be another have ago at me in front of our son. I really don't know what to donor say ? Has anyone been through this ?

You need to start shifting the narrative here, it is not your job to sort his contact with dad it is dad's job. It's really crap to have to do it but I managed to stop saying things like "I'll see if Dad can see you today" and started saying "I don't know, it's up to daddy when he sees you".

His relationship with his dad is NOT your relationship to manage, he will have to learn how to navigate a father who is unreliable and not very pleasant to be around as that is the father he has.

You are allowed to say "We can't have daddy round to our house because he makes bad choices and upsets me but daddy will hopefully sort something out"

It is REALLY hard to do, but I did it with 2 boys who were 4 and 6 and it really did change the dynamics of our relationship in such a fantastic way I am incredibly grateful that I did it.

Their dad no longer sees them (7 and 9) and they tell me occasionally that they miss him but they're okay with it because they do not miss the crappy way he made our house feel and they understand that he is an adult who chose to behave in that way, they no longer feel that they or I am responsible for dads crappy antics. It's all on him.

Thank you I really appreciate that. Its good to hear from someone who has been through it to.

I know I need to get a grip and do the right thing by my son. I just feel like I don't know the right thing anymore, but hearing from others in a similar situation really helps.

We had issue the other day where he brought something up that happend a long time ago. The teacher had a word with him and explained how what his dad did was bad. It suddenly hit me I've never said that it was bad or he makes bad choices just hes not well or silly.

It's so hard 😞 my ex - DD's other mum - was an addict. My psychologist advised all talk about that should be age appropriate, honest, and just as much as is needed. I would stick to statements such as 'daddy isn't very well at the moment, so we can't see him today / until next week / whenever.'

my DD was 5. I was very honest. Mummy had a problem which meant she wanted to drink too much alcohol. That most adults, if they want to, can drink just a bit of alcohol and they might feel a bit relaxed, but mummy's brain had a problem that even if she had a little sip, her brain didn't know how to stop... so she wasn't safe to drive her car. Or look after DD alone without me there. I focused on facts like 'because too much alcohol can make people very sleepy, and it's not safe to drive if you're sleepy' etc.

its awful, I know. But you'll get through this and your little one will be ok. As long as kids have at least one safe, kind, consistent loving parent, they'll cope xx

And I totally agree with @PleaseGoDontGoAgain - I did lots of 'mummy is still making 'b choices' (school talk about A or B choices) and I hope soon she decides to see the doctor to help her with her tricky brain so maybe it can stop choosing too much alcohol. But for now, she has an alcohol problem, and I know you love her, and we can still see her - but only with me there, as it's my job to keep you safe.'

Thank you its really helpful to have some things to say. I just get lost and don't want to say the wrong thing. This really helps

Don’t chase your ex. It’s up to him to turn up to contact and you can’t fall into the trap of reminding him.
With your DS, I would acknowledge his feelings eg I can see that you’re sad that daddy did not come today, offer him a hug and then a distraction. And let it all out on a letter or email that you don’t send once DS has gone to bed

I made the same mistake of offering up 'reasons' why daddy did the things he did, if he didn't turn up I'd immediately explain he was 'working'. I was lying because I knew he had just decided not to bother, If he kicked off "Daddys stressed from work".
I inadvertently created a situation where my eldest believed 'poor daddy' was having a miserable time and he should be grateful for any dregs of attention he got.

My son ended up blaming himself for everything daddy did, he blamed himself for wanting his dads attention. He is still going through counselling to sort out the mess that is his self esteem and no child deserves to dislike themselves for wanting attention from a parent. It's horrible

Knowing that daddy makes bad choices has VERY SLOWLY removed that sense of responsibility that my son had, But it was painful to break his heart as often as I had to by shattering the illusion he'd created of daddy.

I really appreciate that you have really helped. This will really help me realise the damage I'm doing by making excuses. I hate the thought of any chold blaming themselves. I'm so sorry for you and your son. Thank you for sharing as that has really hit home

This.

take the wind out of the sails.
say I have made contact with the visitation centre for contact on the x of June - it is up to your father to reply and if and when he does I will let you know straight away but I will let you know as and when we get a reply. It is up to your father the adult to reply. It is not up to you or I or indeed either of us- the door is open for x date we need to see what he does.

either way I love you to the moon and back and we will have a fab day whatever

repeat on circus

I work with children and have to speak to them abit really difficult things and honestly (in a child friendly way) is the best policy. You can't make excuses for dad. Something like 'I don't know when you will see daddy, I know that it makes you sad but daddy makes bad choices and I have to make sure you are safe when you see him'