Working dad vs stay at home mum- how much input should the dad have in parenting?

[newmumtobe12345]

I'm a stay at home mum & my partner works the equivalent of a 9-5 Monday to Friday job. He also supplements his money with monetising his hobby/obsession. I'm grateful that he works hard and provides income for the rent & bills. I pay for food for the family with PIP payments that I receive for disabilities that make it difficult to work. I understand that I should do most of the childcare for our baby, but he does barely anything at all. I have no time at all to myself and even my personal care needs do not get met. He arrives home from work at around 4pm and immediately gets on with his projects. He finishes at around 8.30-9pm and then comes into the room we're sitting in and is glued to his phone (he's either continuing his projects by listing on eBay, browsing social media, or shopping online- he has a shopping addiction). By then i'm completely exhausted & it's nearing bedtime for our baby anyway, and if our baby is having a rough time he goes to bed & leaves me to it. I struggle to the point of breaking every single day, and he only steps in when I finally snap. I'm trying to be a good mum, but find it difficult when I'm parenting by myself. I feel like I'm living the life of a single parent, without the extra external support that a single parent would receive. He has breaks at work, weekends off, and holidays, but I don't get any breaks. I've tried to express this to him but he either gets defensive about it, or I just don't bother saying anything as it leads to an argument. Could I please get some feedback as to wether I'm being unreasonable or not? He seems to think mums do the baby work, full stop. But I know that's not the case as I've seen family members & friends share some of the load. I haven't been wearing my engagement ring for three weeks and he hasn't noticed, his head is constantly in his hobbies and his own relaxation.

I could say that if you work at home doing childcare and he works outside the house, both 9-5, then any time you're home together you should both be working equally. But that's not how it is. Anything that happens in the domestic sphere is usually seen as women's work and even if you manage to split it up it will probably fall to you to manage it - list, prioritize, make requests, follow up.

My partner is very willing and able to participate but there's always the sense that he's helping me out.

You are not being unreasonable but the expectation that he should understand your perspective and change his behavior accordingly might be unrealistic. My partner is really a great dad and supportive partner but he's never been the go-to on anything except DIY. Depressingly retrograde I know and I'm trying to raise my boys with different ideas.

If you’re not married you are really vulnerable.

You say you are disabled. Are you able to work at all?? If so, I would look for work and say that it makes more sense for you to do this while he does childcare rather than his side hustle.

you should definitely have equal relaxing time and you are not being unreasonable at all.

He should help with the baby when he is at home. If you receive PIP you have even more challenges than the average stay at home mum so he needs to do a lot more in fact.
I think it's unfair you use your disability benefit to pay for food. It should be spent on things that make your life better like a cleaner or aids.
Does he step up in the weekend? Let you have a lie in and look after the baby? Does he clean the place? or cook?

He doesn't actually want to spend any time with his child? Or you?

Your relationship sounds over TBH. Apart from the purely practical (you get money, he gets a servant) what are either of you getting out of this?

Well, apart from anything, he is missing out. I honestly cannot understand anyone bringing children into the world and not wanting to enjoy them.

He should want to send time with his own baby first of all. Apart from that in general he should be in charge 50% of the weekend so you can have time off, lie in etc, plus some time most of the week days. This would be normal.
I would recommend stop holding it all together and let it blow up so he can see to what extend you are exhausted. Let him take a sole charge of the baby for a day to start with.. Tofay is a good day to start

So I'm I mat leave so not exactly the same but, I look after the kids 9-5 while my husband is working, I try to clean the house in naps, sometimes this works, sometimes not
However after DH gets home everything is 50/50 (or more 60/40 to him) as work is 'easier' then being at home
So generally he will look after the kids while I then clean, to be honest neither of us have any time to ourselves at the moment,
But we are spending our time together with our family unit and for now that works for us

Does he want an actual relationship with his child when s/he is an adult as you need to tell him it's starts now. Just doing the money part is not enough. No kid thinks their parents should work more.

One of my SILs said because her husband was unsure and didn't seem to want to parent she just told him what to do.

This meant she told him to look after their first baby and left the house for a few hours until it clicked. She then went back to work doing nights and he looked after their child during the nights. Then when they had their second my brother knew what to do without being told regardless of where she was.

Btw I did shared parental leave with my DP. I had her when she didn't talk and move so I had an easier time of it. Regardless the parent who was working did the stuff the other parent couldn't do. So that could be cleaning, cooking or looking after our DD.

I assume he was always this big into hobbies before a baby, I don’t know why women will think their partner will change just because a baby comes along.

im on maternity leave but as soon as partner comes home he’s into dad mode and takes over, and does bedtime, every night, whatever else he needs or wants to do happens Aftee bedtime which is about 7-7.30.

The principle should be you each get equal leisure time (time not spent on childcare, work or household chores/management). The one variable factor is nighttimes - if your DH is a surgeon or a lorry driver he shouldn't really be anywhere near the nights, but if he's an office worker then he should be sharing those too.

YANBU
We have the same arrangements here (well, I'm on maternity leave but my job doesn't work around children as it includes working weekends - same job as my DH, so unlikely i can go back) l. Must admit I do all of the care as in nappies, etc generally, as we're bith happy with this arrangement (he does the occasional change) but when baby is being fussy and/or I need a break he takes him. There is no right and wrong. It's whatever both parents are happy with. If you aren't happy, he should be doing more.

YANBU, and are really financially vulnerable.
Does baby have his surname ?

cant believe it’s 2022 and there are still men like this. Obviously OP he’s massively taking the piss. He should be sharing 50% of the load when he’s home, before and after work and at weekends.

When I was a SAHM I did all the housework/washing/shopping. When the kids were older I mowed the lawn too. I also got up in the morning as I’m an early riser anyway.But DH would do baths and play with them when home.
‘But I never didn’t shower etc.

When you're both at home everything home/baby should be split 50/50. You should also try and work in some time for each of you to get time to yourselves. Sounds like he gets several hours of that per night? Can you look at working in some capacity? I appreciate you're disabled but you're already working full time looking after a baby so presumably an office job or something is feasible? Both working and using some childcare is probably the best way to equity here.

His views are incredible. I can't believe people think that in 2022. He helped make the baby, he is responsible for it.

Hi Op, if you can, have a proper sit down with your partner and have a chat about it so you know where you stand.

Do you have any legal protections in place at all? (We'll, what limited options there are available to you). Very bad move to be dependent on a boyfriend. Whose house is it?

It's pretty apparent that the relationship is dead.