I am really really struggling with my 5 year old (almost 6) DS as of late and I don't know what to do. I have tried everything, and now I just find myself going straight to shouting all the time, because nothing seems to work anyway and I am so so frustrated. I know I shouldn't shout and I hate myself after. I am constantly telling him off or telling him no and it's really getting me down.
DH has undiagnosed ADHD and has been waiting for an appointment for a while to get a formal diagnosis and we think DS may have it too. DS's Teacher was surprised when we suggested it at the beginning of the school year, but in recent conversations we have had, she seems to be seeing certain behaviours that we see at home that she hadn't previously seen. She has absolutely zero concerns academically though, he is doing very well in that sense and he is well ahead of where expected. He's amazing at reading, writing, loves art and crafts, he's always drawing or making something. He also likes role play.
So I know some of his behaviour could just be normal 5 year old behaviour but I feel like it's getting worse, not better and I thought he'd have grown out of a lot of it by now. He's not necessarily badly behaved, doing things on purpose, or "naughty" for want of a better word, he's just...annoying/irritating/frustrating if you know what I mean? You will see if you read on.
The number 1 issue for us is the not listening. I am repeating myself 100 times a day and I'm really not exaggerating. I will ask him to stop doing something and within 1 minute he's doing it again. Rinse and repeat. I am sick of the sound of my own voice, don't do this, stop doing that, no etc. I've tried explaining why I don't want him to do something i.e he/someone could get hurt, could damage something etc, I have tried distraction, time out for not listening to me, giving warnings, other consequences for not listening, even simple natural consequences, literally nothing works at all. And it's the same things I'm telling him about over and over, day in day out. If we question why hes doing something he's already been asked not to, all we get is "I don't know". I even resorted to asking him "do you understand" or getting him to repeat what I'd said back to me to confirm he'd heard and understood what I'd said and even that doesn't work. I've threatened to take him for a hearing test because he must not be able to hear me telling him to stop doing something since he's doing it again. I've tried explaining that if I tell him not to do X now, that also means I don't want him to it in 5 minutes, or an hour, or tomorrow or the next day. Says ok but still does it again. I feel sometimes he knows, as he will look over at me before doing it or even whilst he's doing it, and immediately stop if he sees I have noticed. Is this an attention thing?
He doesn't have any friends to be honest, and I'm wondering if he just struggles with forming relationships. He gets invited to all the kids parties in his class and runs around the playground at pick up times with kids from his class etc, but he doesn't seem to have any close friends in particular. Other parents think he is funny/sweet, and a nice boy. His teacher said he seems to flit from one person to another a lot. He sometimes gravitates towards the not so well behaved children in his class, that are rough (playing wise) and not very nice shall we say. One child bit him on the face (maliciously) and he still tries to play with him even though we've told him not to, as friends don't bite each other on the face. But he just doesn't get it. He also seems to be a bit of a tell tale, and will tell the teacher of other kids bad behaviour, which might be affecting him making actual friends. He also goes up to other parents at pick up time and will tell them what their kid has done or said that day or if they've been in trouble. It's a bit embarrassing really as he just comes across as a busy body.
The rough play has started to transfer to home as he is so rough with his little brother, and he keeps hurting him. It's not malicious tbh but it's so frustrating that he's not understanding he cannot play with his brother the way that he does. He will drag him by the neck of his clothes, or his arm and then swing him around and let go, so he goes flying, which inevitably ends in tears. Or it can be as little as he gets too carried away pushing him on something, so DS2 falls off and hurts himself, even though literally minutes before we've asked him to calm down/go slow. He is not careful and doesn't think about how his actions could hurt someone else. He also cannot share, and is always taking things off DS2 and when he's clearly frustrated because he wants it back, DS1 will have a tantrum about giving it back.
The next issue is the constant questions. I've started to sound like my own mother, trotting out "because I said so" or "I don't need a reason" because I am so exhausted with all the questions. Why is his favourite question. He knows the answer why, because when I respond by saying why do you think, he tells me the correct answer. He does sometimes have a bit of a meltdown if you won't engage in a conversation with him though which we are finding is happening more and more lately. He's started to make statements instead of asking an outright question lately too, so for example, he will ask if it's lunchtime yet and I've said no not yet. And instead of asking me again (because I've said don't ask me again) he will say "I guess it's not lunchtime yet" and wait to see if I say something. Or he will know I will say no before asking, so he will say "I was going to ask for chocolate but you will say no won't you", but he's saying it because he really he's asking for chocolate?
The next issue, is always needing to know what is going on which ties in with the constant questions in a way. Is it lunch time, is it time to do this, when is daddy home, what road is daddy on, is it brothers nap time yet. If we say no, not time yet, he cannot stop asking. He cannot tell the time, but asks what time is X happening. If we tell him the plan for the day in advance, or say we might do X later, he does not shut up about it. He will nag and nag so much, that we end up getting cross and not wanting to do the nice thing we said we might do. He can't handle "later" "maybe" "might" "not yet" "in a bit" "soon" answers. But on the other hand, also cannot handle a simple no either. Even telling him "please don't ask me again" results in being asked again 5 minutes later. I have had to tell DH to stop telling him he will do things with him, because if he says I will take you out on your bike later, as soon as DH steps through the door from work, DS is asking are we going out yet, and he will not accept DH wants to sit down for half an hour as he's just got in from work. I've started setting an alarm on his watch for certain things I know he will nag me about all day if I don't. Doesn't work. What time is it, what time is the alarm going off, how long till the alarm goes off.
He will constantly interrupt conversations, either if I'm on the phone or if DH and I are talking. He will butt in and say things that he has no clue about, and has no idea what we're even talking about, just has to get involved for the sake of it. Say DH and I are talking about something, he will hear one word and say "I want X" even though he doesn't know what X even is. "I want to go to Y" but doesn't even know what or where Y is. He just always has to be involved. If we're watching something or talking about something, he has to know, he has to ask questions, has to make a comment (that often makes no sense) he cannot not be involved. Again, this ties in with what I said about him being a bit of a busy body/know it all. You can't do anything or say anything without him knowing.
I've rambled on for ages now, I'm sure you get the picture. But does anyone have any advice/strategies for managing these types of behaviours? Does this sound like ADHD? DH says even if we get DS diagnosed, he doesn't want him on medication or anything. I just know I can't cope with it any more, it's wearing me down. I love him so much, he is so funny and clever, but just so so draining with his constant need to talk/need for attention.