My son

[Alana1983]

I'm sorry I've never done this before but I'm here due to my son. He is 7 and i am increasingly concerned about his behaviour.

firstly I am going to say that he can be the most wonderful, loving boy. He so loves his mummy and I just adore him. It's breaking my heart writing this but i I need to be honest about what I'm feeling.

Basically, he's a real handful. It feels like increasingly so, he's deliberately obstructive. Even now at 7, daily it's a battle to get him to conform to what are every day routines and expectations, so getting dressed, teeth brushing, applying cream. I have an older child who is very nearly an adult and I just keep thinking the little one will grow out of this but now I'm thinking at 7, it shouldn't be this much hard work surely.

Hes his dads first and dad works a lot, I work too, almost full time but this has been compounded since lockdown as we both now work from home so partner is around more to witness the behaviours that I would complain about - he's more or less left decisions re parenting style to me and maybe if I'm honest I have just run with what I know, having had a child before. We co slept for example, breastfed until natural term weaning which for us was around 3, attachment parented so attempted to praise positive behaviour and ignore bad, but it's not that we haven't tried to install boundaries and I'm sorry to say that now I feel at the end of my tether and so am now losing it a lot and we live in a fraught, emotional house which doesn't help I am sure.

school and other settings, clubs he attends have never reported any issues apart from school saying he won't work independently - he attended nursery until 3 and they never raised anything negative, quite the opposite - you know butter wouldn't melt. He's just done his SATS and done wonderfully.

But at home people see it, friends and family who witness it.

He is very highly strung so always had strong waves of emotion, will push and push boundaries so if I count to 5, it doesn't matter at all, if dad gets the toothbrush he wants me to do his teeth, if I do he wants dad. He engages in deliberately annoying behaviours such as shouting when I'm on a work call or personal call, screeching and interrupting even though I'll tell him to shush or I'm on a call etc, he just ignores us. He's very impulsive, argumentative and will absolutely not apologise. He lashes out so I'd sat alongside me on the sofa he'll deliberately kick me for example but then pretend it's an accident but smirk and snigger. He's very protective of some routines, and also of personal belongings. He has to know that things are back in their place before going to bed for example and is terrible at sharing for this reason. He talks over people and struggles to take turns, he lacks empathy I think so can't really put himself in your shoes but he has made some comments recently about feeling sad for someone and cried recently watching something sad on TV, I'm sorry to say I was almost relieved as I honestly thought he's borderline sociopathic. He seems to enjoy watching others squirm so will go out of his way to embarrass you and if he thinks you look embarrassed he ramps the behaviour up but then screams, hits and kicks when punished. He receives multiple warnings and ignores them all but then it's hell when we take something away.

I can't decide I'd there's something going on for him or if we just haven't been consistent. I feel like I'm pretty inconsistent if I'm being completely honest. Obviously I love him to death so I defend him even to myself, even whilst writing this I'm in tears just thinking that this is my fault for doing something wrong so I've wronged him and am now complaining about this little personality that I've created. But then I think on the other hand I've tried so hard to fix things, read so many books and articles, installed many cause and effect punishments like the step, time out, removal of treats as well as good rewards like stickers, treats, pocket money etc. I have tried everything. I feel like partner isn't on my side and is either negative or defensive so we are never on the same page,
one of us appears to be sticking up for him or trying to address concerns and obviously it causes issues in the relationship.

i read something which said tantrums in 7 year olds may be frequent but not daily. We can't go one day without a battle of some description, often several across the day.

thankfully there are things we do which always go well, every morning for example he gets in bed with us and my heart melts and equally, the other end of the day, once the battle to get him into pyjama and teeth brushed has occurred, we have nice times.

we have nice times amongst all the chaos - he's happier when he's getting his own way and bed time means cuddles with mummy or daddy, we will sit and read with him etc etc so that will go well mostly. That's really just recharging batteries for what the next day will bring.

mostly when he's at school it's manageable as in it's a short space of time and he's at clubs etc after school so busy but when he's off - we are on holiday this week - he's worse. This week has been an effort and dad and I are at eachothers throats as we both struggle to comprehend what's going on.

i have just read that back and come to the awful conclusion that it's us. We are probably causing him trauma by bickering and it's causing him anxiety or something.

has anyone got any advice or been through anything similar?

i want my partner and I to go on parenting course but he won't as he said it's ridiculous. If I could get him to agree, where would I start?

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice as my DS is only 1 but I didn’t want to read and run as it has obviously been a difficult post for you to write.

You sound like an amazing mum and you’re not afraid to admit that you need to work on things, which can only be a good thing.

Hopefully this will give your post a bump and someone with better advice will see it.

That sounds so tough, OP, bless you. It sounds like you're a really caring and supportive mum so don't beat yourself up about it.

Have you spoken to a GP about your concerns? I know school haven't raised anything, but it is quite common for children with ASD to mask at school/around others, and then it all comes crashing down at home when they're in their 'safe space'. It might be worth just exploring, even just to rule out.

There's a book often recommended on here called The Explosive Child, which might have some good strategies for you and your husband, or at least open up a discussion.

He doesn't sound sociopathic, he sounds autistic. For children who are "high functioning" (not a term liked in the autistic community, but for want of a better one, it broadly means those who don't also have a learning disability) they are often able to mask at school and then let it all out at home.

You won't do any harm by trying techniques used for children with ASD and seeing what happens. At worst you will just have more information. Here are some suggestions:

• Visual timetable for teeth cleaning, getting dressed etc. Something like this. A picture of him fully dressed can help. And don't rule out just doing it for him for now.

• Visuals for when you are on a work call - I put a skipping rope round my chair as the Circle of Silence which works for my child. And if you can, a sand timer showing how long it will be until the call finishes.

• Have a look for sensory diets. Kick bands on his chair, a peanut ball to sit on while watching TV, wobble cushions. The kicking may be for the sensory feedback more than anything else.

• Try not to show embarrassment - or if you do, use words to say what you are feeling. For those who struggle to read faces, embarrassment can look like a small smile, like you're trying not to laugh.

• Have a look for the Zones of Regulation. It is not an instant fix.

• If he is rejection sensitive then being told off / punished will feel like the worst thing in the world and saying sorry is the equivalent of saying you don't deserve to be loved. Try the BSL sign for sorry, or let him write it. When things are calm, see if you can work out with him what he thinks would be fair. Write it down, pin it to the fridge, and see if he is more accepting of consequences when he has contributed to the system.

I would also talk to the SENCO at school. They may not have noticed anything at all but they won't have been looking, if you see what I mean.

I haven't spoken to school or the GP and am only really asking myself what's going on now as a friend suggested quite blatantly that he may have ADHD, she spoke about her own daughter who is a year older and capable of much more independence, getting dressed for example. He's only just started getting himself dressed and we have a timer and are constantly then calling out now pants, now socks, now trousers etc. He will very infrequently go away and do what is asked of him completely - but can do it so it's frustrating when he doesn't. I'd never really considered it before but now I've read some articles and am starting to wonder myself if this is the reason - however my partner is point blank refusing to acknowledge it as an option, probably as it's come from a friend and he's defensive too, like me. As I said it often feels like when one tries to bring up his difficulties, the opposite parent steps in to defend so we never admit to ourselves how difficult it is. He'd be upset if he read this I think. It's horrible seeing all his 'ways' written down.

The reason my partner is so defensive is because I think he has some autistic tendencies and so I honestly think he's on the spectrum somehow and so my partner will see this as me saying it's his fault. My partner hoards and has an addictive personality, workaholic, and also checks and rechecks - particularly if I've done something so If I've booked something he will obsessively check the details: If he's booked it he will obsessively spend hours checking and planning things, I can't describe it but he's hard work in himself at times 😂.

My son has some similar traits, we're starting the ball rolling for ASD/ADHD assessment.

We only realised how pronounced his difficulties were on an extended holiday where he really struggled with anything out of the ordinary, and spent a lot of time hiding under his bed.

I don’t think it’s you. The fact that you’re so self aware makes me think it’s not. Children are surpringly robust unless there’s some very entrenched bad parenting.
But he does sound very much like he has ASD and I think this is worth looking into.

Oh I second what @RocketAndAFuckingMelon wrote. My one is way younger, and he kicks when in bed, for sensory issue (I think, I cannot be sure at his age yet) He kicks everyone and everything (me, siblings, dad, bed bars, wall, radiator... just for the feel/sound and mostly barefoot too).

Same with the embarrassment - lashing out behaviour (my one does something he knows is bad, then when told off nicely he throws a completely disproportionate tantrum). Sitting down and cuddling helps, as does saying it's OK to feel this way.

With dressing (my one hates clothes) it's a "we get dressed to go do X" but obvs not possible to do this with a 7yo who has to dress to go to school (not as easily excitable as a 3yo, I admit).

Forget apologies, (if he does have ASD it's incredibly hard for us to say sorry). Instead why don't you say "what happened was not that great, how about next time we do it differently, do you agree?" and see if you can get him to agree with you that you all will do things differently (works for us, for now).

FWIW you sound like an amazing mum, please do not beat yourself up, you are doing great and your son loves you :)