How to get DH more involved?

[TeddyBearz]

DD is 5.5 months old and I made a huge mistake. I got severely anxious after having her to the point I haven’t let anyone do anything apart from me.

DH has offered and even got up to do bottle/nappy/settle and I just beat him to it or take over. This is wrong I know I got into the mindset of ‘only I know how to care for him’

now I’m really exhausted and I do need the help. Not even that, DH wants to help and we’ve got this far in and DD only settles easy for me, it takes him ages to settle her because she’s used to me.

I admitted to him what I did wrong and he’s been doing some stuff but my anxiety is through the roof when I see him give the bottle my mind thinks “that’s the wrong way she’ll choke” or when he does the nappy change “ that’s not tight enough it’ll leak or she’ll get nappy rash”

Im trying not to interfere because when he finishes work and weekends are such a small amount of time for him to help out compared to me having the weekdays but my anxiety is bad

they have an amazing bond so this isn’t the issue it’s more me needing me time and some rest

I haven’t t left it to late have I he’ll get to grips with it like I did won’t he? In his own way which is hard to accet

have you considered speaking to your GP about your anxiety?

have ever just had a bath or cooked a meal so you were too busy to see what she and baby were doing?

I do t think it’s a trust thing I do think it’s your anxiety that is the issue and without being able to take a step back you will burn out

@PatAndFrank yeah and it’s hard as soon as I hear her fuss or him struggle to settle her I run out the bath and interfere

or I’ll go make the bottle for him and say oh I’ll do the feed now

its hard to stop myself I cant

If you do a daily bath start altering who does it. Get him to watch you and then in his turn don’t be in the room but he near by in case he wants to ask for help. Don’t interfere. At the weekend go out for an hour to a coffee shop, a walk or a swim, whatever you like. You DH and DD need space to find their own ways together.

@PatAndFrank and I haven’t really just as it’s so hard to get in touch witb GPS and I don’t want medication and imagine the wait for a therapist will be sooo long

Leave the house. Go get your hair done or your nails done or go to the cinema or get a coffee and leave them to it. They will figure it out and it's important that they do. If you're in the house and hovering then he will never find his confidence.

You need to deal with your anxiety. If you won't take the steps to do that, the cycle of you taking over will continue until he stops trying

The issue isn't getting him more involved, the problem is that you can't step back and let him. Perhaps it might be worth talking to your health visitor, and talk about your concerns about letting go.

He's trying to be involved. The issue is you letting him learn. I presume you didn't know what to do straight away. You know what you're doing now because you've learnt as you went. You have to grant him time to get to grips now too, without stepping in.

The wait for a therapist will be even longer if you’re not on the waiting list! Most services are self referral, you may as well self refer and then you can decide later if it’s something you want to continue with.

It’s definitely not too late for DH to do more. Can you challenge yourself to go out for a 10 minute walk round the block and leave them to get on with it? You’d benefit from 10 minutes of fresh air and headspace, and DH would benefit from being able to spend some time with DD.

Walk out the house as soon as he gets in. You need to let them work it out.

My husband is very helpful and I have control issues.

Just let him do it "wrong". If he puts the nappy on loose and it leaks, it's okay. He can change her and he learns to do it tighter. If it takes him half an hour to settle her when it would take you 5 minutes, that's fine too. Let him figure it out.

I know it's easier said than done, but try and give yourself a break. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. He has to learn how to do things just like you did.

OP, none of this will improve unless you get help. Why are you so against medication? And you'll never get to the top of the waiting list unless you actually get on it.