Tips to avoid toddler tantrums at bedtime!

[hopefulhippo]

Twin toddlers, aged two and a quarter. DH and I both work full time so they are at nursery 8-5 Mon-Fri. Weekday nights bedtime is just awful and has been for a month or two now. They moved into the big room at nursery and both decided that come what may they absolutely won't nap at nursery anymore. DD copes with it fine but DS is a screaming wreck from 5-7pm every night. DH isn't usually around at that time as he works shifts, if he's on short days he's home around 6:30 but any other shift pattern he's not around, so it's just me and the kids.

We get home around 5:15, start dinner around 5.30, followed by bath, pyjamas, two books and then I put them into their cots, we talk a bit about their day, sing a bedtime song, then tuck in and say good night. The issue is that the tiniest little thing will send DS into a crying blubbering tantrum and I end up doing the bedtime routine with him just hollering most of the way through it from after supper. He is so overtired that he just needs his sleep, and once I manage to leave the room, he settles straightaway and sleeps well, but I would really really like to be able to enjoy a calming bedtime routine instead of gritting my teeth and trying not to scream half the time, trying to give DD attention while managing DS shouting, etc.etc.!!! The other night he was crying about something and DD said 'Stop it X you're making me crazy' and I realised I've reached a low point in toddler imitation 😂although it did make me laugh! Does anyone have any tips to keep a massively overtired toddler calm? Or do I just suck it up and realise it's impossible and power on through till they're older?

Things I'm trying: offer choices about everything I can possibly think of, stay calm through the crying, speak calmly but firmly and say e.g. 'you need to choose your pyjamas before I count to three or mummy will choose for you' - he usually does follow the instruction and understands counting to three very well. I try distracting him from whatever he's crying about (usually unsuccessful) and I stick to the routine no matter what. He's a lot better at weekends because he has a two hour nap during the day. Unfortunately his sister has always needed much less sleep than him and she wakes him at 5:30 most mornings and nothing I can do about that - I can't physically get them into bed before 7 unless I skip the bath which I don't like to do as they come home from nursery absolutely filthy... All suggestions welcome!

Sorry I didn't realise how long this would end up - thank you for reading!

Sending hugs! I only have one grumpy toddler to deal with at bedtime and that's hard enough!!

From my experience, you're doing all the right things, in terms of offering choices etc, but when they're that tired anything will set them off, I think it's unavoidable.

I would challenge you on the bath however - are they really filthy all over? I used to bath DS every day, but have now cut down to twice a week (partly due to eczema, partly due to time), and just do a face and bum flannel wash the other nights. Is that possible?

Sounds like they are overtired so an earlier bedtime would help...I try and do dinners that'll either do over 2 nights or that I can prep the night before so it's 10mins and on the table for them on nursery days.

Can the bath be replaced by a top and tail before PJ's then into the shower with you in the morning if still needed? Baths are wayyy too much stimulation for my little one when she's tired and needing sleep!

I'm all about choices but be careful it's not overwhelming, so instead of giving them the choice of which PJ's to wear, say would you like X or Y to wear tonight? I find it usually generates a quick answer of "No, I want Elsa" when Elsa wasn't on offer...but if I gave her free reign it would've taken an age for her to decide!

You need to get them into bed earlier. If that means a quick face and bum wash, a snack and into bed, so be it. Forget the story and chat, just out some quiet, relaxing music on and gently potter in their room putting clothes away etc.

Are you doing them a cooked meal when you get home? If you are do they need it or are they eating that at nursery? I would do the discussion about the day over dinner rather than once they are in bed, 1 story maybe (one chooses one night, the other the next) or do one story in the bath and one in the bedroom.

Yeah, bedtime is obviously too late - DD is the same age and on days she doesn't nap bedtime is 6pm, otherwise she's impossible and so upset. 5.30 starts won't help at all, can you put him in a separate room so he's not being disturbed?

You need instant dinners and bed by 6, as in in bed by 6 so pjs by 5.45 etc and only a quick bath or shower, probably once every 2-3 nights. I'd probably do more of a supper, so sandwich or crackers or bread and butter, piece of fruit, yoghurt or cereal bar, sliced ham or cheese or cold sausage, that kind of thing so you can chuck it at them as soon as you get in. Nurseries often do a hot lunch. Very very low key easy evenings, no expectation, TV if that works for you.

Nursery is exhausting for them and it's a long day without a nap. You'll hopefully find over time the build up of sleep makes things easier and the weekends calmer.

Lot of food for thought here - thank you to everyone. I think I'll try doing a flannel wash instead of bath and see how that goes. I'm not doing a cooked meal - it's usually sandwiches or pasta as they get hot food at nursery. No spare room to let him sleep longer in the morning unfortunately - we're in a two bed. I'll try skipping the bath some nights and see if it helps. I'm just concerned that DD will start waking even earlier - she's always been an early riser and she's awake between 5.15 and 5.30 every morning. It used to be 4.30 so this is an improvement! Since they were born she napped the odd half hour here and there and woke early every morning, and he napped and slept like the books said he should 😐

Twins look lovely but I bow to all twin parents, it must be brutal.
My nursery is very communicative, did your sleep in the baby room? Were things better for them? If yes, I'd ask if they can move them back up, as the kids still need a nap at this age. It's not just that they are grumpy and overtired, brain develops when they sleep and behavioural issues can also stem from lack of sleep.

How are they over weekend? Do they nap? Are they better, nicer, less grumpy?

I try (and I am privileged and lucky and all that so no judgement just advice in case) to keep mine home every now and then (especially the younger one) when I am WFH, because younger can entertain themselves while I actually work. I also pick mine up at 4:30pm when WFH then do kids then work again 9pm onwards. Basically as much chill time, quiet time etc as I can plus massive amounts of outdoor play when at home, weekends, holidays etc. I hope it gets better for you.

Could you pre-make sandwiches so they can eat as soon as you're in the house, quick bath, one story instead of two and chat about their day during tea rather than just before bed? That could shave off a bit of time and get them in bed quicker.