I've reported my ex for hitting my 4yo

[HopelesslyHopeful87]

Need a bit of a handhold and maybe some advice on what to expect next.

A bit of background - ex was controlling, narcissistic, gaslit me, cheated, generally awful to me and my 2 children from a previous relationship. We were together 5 years and split when 4yo dd was just over 1yo. I ended things when his temper got worse with my older son and light bulb just flicked in me and told me that I deserved better. I ended things and he moved out. He carried on being abusive after that, harassed me with multiple calls and texts, turning up to the house etc and trying to force his way in.

I've never stopped contact with him and dd. He took me to court mediation last year over access to her as he wanted more than he had but was unsuccessful and he still has what he had before. That was just another method of control over me. Dd has been going EOW.

she came home last night and told me that ex hit her so hard that it knocked her over, that she cried and was upset and scared and that she missed me and he told her she isn't allowed to miss me and that it's naughty to miss mummy when she is at his. No reason to suspect dd is lying. She obviously could not give me a time this happened but said was after breakfast but before lunch.

I called 101 for advice who took this very seriously and the police as coming to see us and we have been referred to social services.

I'm terrified. I'm so anxious I've opened a can of worms and he is going to give me a hard time over this and make my life hell. He will deny this and tell an abundance of lies to make me look like the bad guy because he's never taken an ounce of responsibility for anything in his life.

I don't really know what to expect next. I'm terrified ill lose my kids. I've never hit my kids ever. It's my job to protect them and it physically hurts to think he's hurt her and she was scared and needed me and I wasn't there. She said he has smacked her before when she has been 'naughty'. His level of naughty is obviously very much lower than mine.

Will he be arrested? I obviously need to stop contact now but legally need advice because our contact agreement is mediation approved so I can't change it without him taking me back to court. I don't have finances for court and am not entitled to legal aid as there is no proof of his abuse to me.

Sorry its jumbled and rambling I'm just very stressed and upset.

What a horrible situation for you OP, no wonder you feel so anxious about the situation, and your poor lovely DD.

Firstly, you won't lose your kids - you've done nothing wrong, and the involvement from the police/SS are not because of your actions, but your exes. They will work with you to determine what the best course of action is moving forwards.

I would be guided entirely by what social services advise - I would ask them what they expect to recommend following a police report about abuse and their involvement from it. I am unsure of whether your ex will be arrested, but there is a chance he will be cautioned. I imagine social services will sit with your daughter to try and determine what happened, take evidence if anything like bruises have appeared, and speak to your ex to get his side of the story. If social services find that there is proof of abuse I would expect them to suggest contact arrangements need to change and may recommend after investigation that contact between your ex and DD is moved from unsupervised to supervised within a contact centre, in which case the mediated court order would need to be reviewed with the current allegations at play.

Personally, I would wait to speak to the police and social services before making any decisive action - make sure you make them aware there is a mediation court order that you are afraid of breaching should you withhold access and for their advice in this matter - it may be that after investigating they will not have enough evidence to prove that the incident occurs and EOW will need to continue as normal, as horrific as that sounds.

I don't have any advice OP just wanted to send you a handhold and let you know that you've done the right thing reporting him. You're a good mum.

Firstly, I wouldn't speak to your child any more about this. Let the professionals do their own investigations.
Secondly, are there any marks on her? If so, take photos of these.

And as pp said, make police/ss aware what the contact arrangements are and be guided by their advice. Get this in writing possible so you can show your ex if you are advised to withhold contact

Ring Women's Aid and get advice on how to handle anything he says or does from now on.

You need to show social services that you are concerned for your daughter's well being above all else's

You can't possibly lose your kids for protecting them. Big hand hold here xxx

The OP does need to be careful because ex may well start trying to mudsling in order to divert.

Thank you for your replies. This was reported last night and I've heard nothing from police or SS at all today despite them saying it was an urgent priority and they'd be here at 9am today. She is due to go to his for tea on Wednesday so I'm concerned I'm on a tight schedule and need advice from them urgently with regards to withholding contact on Wednesday. I'll call SS and chase it tomorrow.

To the poster who said don't talk to dd about it, I haven't been bringing it up to her at all and she is quite happy here, it's half term so she's occupied with her siblings and I'm not making a thing out of it. I haven't told her about any of this. Obviously someone is going to need to talk to her so I'll take their lead on how to approach it with her.

The idea of never being able to prove it and it carrying on with normal contact is terrifying. How can he just get away with this.

Be prepared for absolutely nothing to happen. I've been through very similar. I would stop the contact immediately and let him take it to court. Social services will advise this as well. Cafcass and the courts will then make decisions around contact, that is your safest option.

My experience was no one really cared about my claims until something much much worse happened. Then my actions and reports showed I was acting in my children's best interests all along. Having children with an abuser is incredibly tough but keep strong.

Thanks. What is cafcass? Do I need to refer to them?

I must have been on cloud cuckoo land thinking this would be taken aerioand that someone would have been in touch with me quickly. In terms of me stopping contact do I just text him and tell him? I haven't even told him I know about this. I didn't want to say anything to him until I had professional advice but that doesn't seem to be forthcoming.

Taken seriously and*

SS will probably advise you not to allow your ex to have contact until they have done their investigation/completed an assessment with him. Do not let your DC go there on Wednesday.

Well if you have genuine concerns for dd's safety she stays home on Wednesday.. If you let her go then reporting him wasn't necessary.. Ball is really in your court op.
Stick to your guns. Your dd is counting on you.

At no point have I said I'm letting her go.

As in reference to you having an agreement - obviously you aren't to adhere to that given the circumstances... Never thought you would! Sometimes when the relevant authorities don't seem to take it seriously you do second guess yourself.. Ss once told me my dc would have had fun when exh had a known sex offender in his home that the dc hadn't seen in a while. Fuckwits ime.

It might be better to request supervised contact, rather than no contact. For example his Mum, sibling or partner with him when with the children.

If it becomes a battle over contact, this plays to the narrative of falsely claiming abuse to manipulate contact arrangements. Lots if separated partners do this. Its likely the first thing police/SS considered, sadly.

My concern is more on what to say to him. Do I tell him she isn't going and why I've made that decision based on what she's told me. Or do I lie and say she's poorly just to buy myself time. Do I play my cards close to my chest given his history or do I just be open with him? Do I tell him I've reported him? Imo why does he deserve a heads up and a chance to employ himself a decent solicitor when I can't afford one.

Fwiw he pays £7 a week benefits level maintenance but works full time cash in hand while claiming JSA. Such a model citizen.

Imo don't give him any chance to make up a story. If anyone does go to talk to him off guard should be the case.
Just say dd isn't feeling great.

I don't want to manipulate contact. I've always said she deserves a relationship with him regardless of our history. I enjoy my dd free weekend 😂 but obviously if that changes then so be it. so it's definitely not that.

Regarding supervision, his girlfriend was in the house when this happened. He lives with her and her 3 kids. So she won't be supervising anything. His mum is unfortunately mentally unstable and his dad is as abusive as he is. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So be aware that when DS do start investigating the question will arise about whether he's safe to be around her three DC too.

Are there any marks on your DD?

In any communication with him you need to talk about a slight concern or something - a misunderstanding which needs clearing up. That's the lengths you have to go to demonstrate that you are not in any way wanting to stop contact.

Spoken to ss this morning and they aren't allowed to give advice re witholding contact and I'll just hear from them by letter 'in the near future' 🙄

So basically Im best to not tell him to give him the upper hand.

But I can't stay I don't want her to go else I'm in the wrong.

I refuse to send her til this is investigated but all their investigations involve is sending me a 2nd class letter at some point.

Honestly makes you wonder what the point is.

I want to say a huge well done.

I know it feels horrific right now but YOU stepped up.

You have protected her.

I was in an abusive situation and I left but my DD had to visit. She couldn't understand why she couldn't also divorce her Daddy and why she had to carry on seeing him. She was angry at me for not having to see him but she did.

I took action but I was too late and we are still repairing damaged caused from all those years ago.

I think you've done exactly the right thing. Poor mental health in children is really hard to repair.

Can you see your GP and explain your concerns. It need to be noted down by a professional. My situation was helped hugely when I told him I had a professional supporting my child's rights.

I agree with other posters, no contact, let him take you to court. Document everything time and date it. Her verbal comments when she told you, her behaviour when she told you, your action and outcome.

Carry on documenting it's your evidence.

Sorry you are going through this.

Get advice from MOSAC or Rights of Women, both great helplines?

How would he likely react if you said she wasn't available for contact tomorrow?

My friend was left in your kind of position by ss, it's dreadful.

Sorry not MOSAC, that was for a different thread!

Here's the Rights of Women Family Law advice line details, open 7-9pm tonight, you'll probably be a long queue though, I warn you:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

If I told him she was unavailable to see him tomorrow he would initially assume I'm lying about whatever I say is wrong with her. Then he will move to blackmail and say tell her ill get her a mcdonalds if she comes and ill say please don't use blackmail. He will then move to wanting a phone call not text communication which I will decline and then hell turn up at my door uninvited.