How difficult is solo parenting?

[YellowTools]

I’ve NC’ed for this. I love my DH dearly but we disagree on something fundamental and I’ve been floating the idea of cutting my losses for a while.

I have two DC, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Financially I think I’d be fine, atm I work PT and I think I’d need to up that but we’d be ok. That does make me worry how I’d juggle it all.

In terms of parenting I do the bulk, I don’t know when DH will be home, he is around for wake up/breakfast time once or twice a fortnight and bedtime (but seldom tea time) maybe twice a week. I have done every night time waking with both of my children, taken every day off sick with the eldest.

I do all the housework, he might empty the dryer if I ask him. I do all the life admin. He doesn’t even know where stuff is kept in our cupboards. Part of my attraction to him was that he came across as quite self sufficient, I have told him I never wanted to be a 1950’s housewife but I seem to have had to pick it up.

I don’t want to elaborate here too much but EOW he has DSC so I devote those weekends to my own DC as teenage DSC needs constant supervision and to be separated from the family at times (extra needs). This puts a huge strain on the household.

So I just want to know, honestly, what is single parenting like and how do the kids adjust? My children adore him. He has a lovely relationship with them. I anticipate he’ll want some contact but my best guess is it will be sporadic. He talks the talk but in reality likes to indulge in his own hobbies in his free time.

I think my biggest loss will be going out of an evening, which I do maybe once or twice a month. I do go out for an hour 3x a week when the kids are in bed (provided DH is home) to exercise and I guess I wouldn’t be able to do that either?

To be honest it doesn't sound like there'll be much difference for you given you seem to already do everything. You'd probably get time to do even more of your own things if he's receptive to the EOW & one evening a week pattern.

In the scenario you describe, where you are doing most of the childcare & household work, I don't think you'd notice much difference if you split.

Don't underestimate the financial cost tho. There is always a reduction in the lifestyle for both parties, given two households & sets of costs need to be maintained (I work full time in a reasonably well paid - but not highly paid - role & I'm always struggling.) of course this depends on variables like rent / mortgage, cost of living where you at.

Your DC are young, the amount of activities they do when older is also an issue - my 3 are heavily involved in sport & as much as I love it, it's exhausting.

The other element not to dismiss is how much support you have, ideally family. It makes a big difference. If you don't have it, it's hard.

Going out / exercise seems doable, just get a babysitter for the hour if you need to

Does your H realise where you are at in your thinking? Is there any option to discuss / remedy, especially as you say you love him?

I find single parenting easy most of the time, my DD has always been an easy child and my parents literally live on the same road both which make my life immeasurably easier.

The hardest part is not being able to leave the house in the evening if you need to, when you realise you are out of Calpol etc but even that isn't as much a problem nowadays with the likes of Deliveroo.

The other thing that is difficult is when you are ill and not having anyone take up the slack.

Every decision is up to you, you don't have anyone to share those Firsts or the cute things your child does. Financially everything is down to you, I always find it a bit scary when I change jobs as you leave the protection of the 2-yr redundancy window.

The good things are that you never feel resentful about the other person not doing their bit, you know it's all on you so just get on.

@EarringsandLipstick finances concern me, i think id be ok but it’s not a pressure I have at the moment and it’s daunting as we’d definitely be on more of a budget.

We have discussed the issue so so many times and DH will accommodate my wants for a short while and then revert back to what he was doing before. I have suggested marriage counselling just to thrash it out in an open forum - he is not receptive.

Being ill - I have no help anyway, he might call me to ask how I am but that’s it. We all had D&V recently and he didn’t help.

Same with bringing stuff like calpol home. He just wouldn’t do it, I have some family who definitely would help with things like that if I was desperate, less so for childcare help.

How did your children cope? I have been reading about how divorce impacts children. That’s a real concern for me. At the moment I’m unhappy but I think my kids are fine.

In my experience, single parenting is a lot easier than trying to live with a difficult man and a hostile stepfamily situation.

You’re already doing all the work.

God he sounds absolutely awful, op. Really selfish.

i think you probably would be happier separate. Id go in assuming he wont be a shit father though. Talk to him like he will be having the children eow and a night a week. Those days are for him to deal with all the parenting, not just the fun stuff. Eg he pays for and collects from childcare that day.

The thing is, your children will be growing up seeing you do everything and their father nothing. That's not fine.

You know, I’m really in love with him and he has alot of redeeming qualities but when I read this back it’s pretty damning. I’ve left alot of detail out that’s too outing too.

I have said that to him re the kids - if he can’t be arsed to get up he will tell my eldest to shout me to fetch him a drink - even if I’m in the middle of something else. I said to him how awful that is to treat me like a b*tch in front of the kids.

Sounds like he brings zero to the marriage - did he change after you had your second child or was he always like that? If so why did you choose to have two kids with him? No judgment just wondering if he has massively changed - and if he has would some kind of therapy help?

If he has his older child EOW why do you think contact with his other children would be sporadic if you split? My main concern would be if he did seek some form of custody I wouldn’t trust him to look after them properly/keep them safe.

It’s a lot easier when they’re little - just small frustrations like not having a babysitter or not being able to pop out in the evenings when you feel like it, I will say at one point I felt trapped on warm summer evenings when I was tied to the DCs sleep routines.
It has been harder as they’ve moved into the teen years, I have become the good parent and bad parent and financially it’s v.hard as the stuff they need gets more and more expensive.

However I echo other posters that dealing with a toxic DH/family is mentally draining, once you cut ties it’s very freeing when you are the one calling the shots and making all the decisions on how to parent etc.

Just out of interest, why did his relationship with his elder children's mother end? I don't think you can change him or that he will change. He's done this before after all.

I didn't get divorced, I ended my relationship when I was pregnant as knew he wasn't a good fit. He is very much a part of her life and sees her once or twice a week. As a positive this means I have always had a regular break to go and do as I please which really helps. I think although she has less physical time with him than other children do with their fathers she has more quality time. He has to feed and entertain her, no calling for me to help when he wants to play computer games or whatever.

DD is 12 now, she knows no different, Dd says he is more like a uncle than a parent as I do all the 'parent' stuff but shes fine with that and enjoys going to see him and her new sister. Academically and behaviourally it has had no effect (or possibly just positive ones) she is academically very able and always well behaved she has never really had conflicting messages from parents. Our house is very peaceful so I'd imagine the negative side effect might be she has never seen conflict so possibly won't know how to resolve it in her own relationships.

Yes and no. He still spends time with my eldest DC and at the time of trying for my second he was able to manage all his children together, the situation has evolved quite a lot and where things were expected to resolve with intervention actually it’s taken a huge downward spiral.

We discussed having a second at length as I had concerns, but was assured by him he had covered all bases. In reality it’s not really impacted him, but me and so his stance of it “all being fine” likely hasn’t changed. I wanted to trust his judgement as a father and my husband.

The safety aspect is something I have taken legal advice re already. I’m not 100% satisfied but I’m told there’s steps I can take. That is part of my reason to stay - so I can supervise myself.

They were young and incompatible. It was a very short relationship that should have been a fling. He definitely wasn’t an Angel but she is a difficult character too. He says he knew it was a bad idea but was pushed into it for fear of letting people down. Then he upped and left when he snapped. She has always resented him for leaving, it wasn’t her choice.

@Singleandproud thank you so much for that insight. You sound like an amazing mum.

@Singleandproud you have help though which a lot of mums don't me included. I don't get a minute to myself ever. It's much harder solo parenting then.

@lollipoprainbow I said in my first post that I have help which makes my life easier. As does having only one child with no additional needs etc. As does working term time only so I didnt have to find childcare during the holidays. I chose not to date and not to have additional children as I don't have the time or money preferring to spend both on Dd. She may visit her Dad but I have made every parenting decision regarding my DD, looked after her through every illness, done every sleepness night as she didn't like sleeping at her dad's when younger. When shes with her dad mid week I just have time to do the weekly shop unhindered after work and when she does her one day at the weekend I study for my OU degree. When she goes to extracurricular I'm the one sat in the car for a couple of hours a night whilst she's dancing/swimming/playing rugby or whatever her current sport is.

My sorry you don't get a break at all though, are there any reasonably priced clubs or groups your children can go to to give you a few hours respite?

It isnt a race to the bottom though and it's worthy for the OP to have accounts of different experiences. All mothers, single and not make different decisions and have different experiences. My experience of being a single parent, whilst tough financially at times, has been positive and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Thanks @Singleandproud your replies have been helpful.

I’m a relatively recent single parent to 3 children (9, 5, 4), split with exH last year and it’s a breeze tbh - certainly no harder than when I was with him. I also did the vast majority of childcare and housework (and, I’ve realised since we split, pretty much all the actual parenting - he’s always breezed in, done the fun bits and then left me to do the rest of it - all parenting decisions were entirely me, school choices, tactics to deal with poor sleep, etc etc. He’s never been to a parents’ evening or suggested a method of sorting out whatever issue cropped up along the way).
If anything my life is easier now as there’s one less person to clear up after, and he has the children every other weekend which is far more time than I’ve ever had to myself before.
Turns out it’s much less lonely being on your own than being in an unsupportive relationship. We were together 10 years and I spent so much of it feeling lonely as hell. And as someone said previously, there is no resentment - you know it’s all on you so you just crack on. The neverending resentment is emotionally draining and exhausting.

I’m on UC atm as my youngest has a serious health issue and we spend a lot of time in and out of hospital and at appointments, she gets DLA and exH pays a decent amount of maintenance so financially I’m also fine and actually far better off than before - we never had a joint account and I was a SAHM and then worked round the kids so had limited earning capacity - so I’ve never really had free access to money before, only ever had enough for what I needed (he used to send me money for food shopping and then everything else, trips with kids etc would come out of child benefit so I never had any money). I’m good at living on a budget and don’t have particularly expensive tastes anyway so I currently have more money than I know what to do with! This is a finite situation though and money will get tighter at some point but I have a plan and will cross that bridge when it comes.

I also have a new DP, been together 7 months now (although have known him 20 years) and he’s absolutely amazing - honestly I so so wish I could go back and show my younger self the standard I should have been holding out for. I didn’t know it was possible for relationships like this to exist.

So overall single parent life is pretty frigging cushty tbh and I’d highly recommend it! 😁

@fuckwhatshouldido i can relate so much to all of that. I haven’t left my one year old for longer than 3 hours. The only time I’ve really left them was for dental work. DH has never had them both for any length of time. I’ve only ever spent one night away from my eldest, that was rushed.

I have made every decision, I run them by DH but tbh I get fed up with his nonchalance and total lack of interest in discussing them. We are thinking about school choices for my eldest and it’s not even a discussion. Potty training and sleep training I did single handedly. I can count the number of nappies he’s changed in the last month on one hand.

Just a “yeah that’s ok” I listen to him talk about work and get really invested in the conversation and relationships - I feel like I know his colleagues, but he literally can’t listen to me, ever, without showing his obvious boredom.

We both earn a decent amount but he can spend without consulting whereas I have to run it by him and don’t feel comfortable in making big spends - like now I really could do with a new phone but I don’t feel like I can whereas he has spent enough for about 25 phones on a hobby this year! If he doesn’t value it it’s not valuable.

My eldest dotes on him, but it’s because he’s the fun one, I don’t even remember the last time he made a meal for him that wasn’t frozen.