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Parenting

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Original poster

My mum wants me to leave my baby

24 replies

JackieBrown63 · 26/05/2022 18:03

My little boy is nearly 3 months old and I'm what they call an "attachment" parent—lots of cuddles, breastfeeding, skin to skin, baby-wearing, and responsive to his needs. My husband agrees this works for our boy because he's a chilled, smiley happy baby whose only problem in life is hunger and a bit of gas LOL. My mum thinks I am being too clingy and keeps trying to get me to leave him alone with my husband or take him off my hands for a day. I told her I can't I am breastfeeding, he hasn't taken to a bottle yet and to be honest, I am in no hurry to give him one so I am not comfortable with this. She thinks it will ruin my marriage if I don't leave my baby alone sometimes. I disagree but she keeps pushing the issue. Does anyone know the reason behind this? Personally, I don't believe in letting a baby CIO or leaving him alone, in nature that would be fatal for a baby. Any thoughts on why she might even be suggesting this or how else I can tell her "no" lol thanks so much!

OP posts:

Hdocheub820 · 26/05/2022 18:06

She sounds crazy! I do all those things you mention but mostly figure that's quite often just normal parenting?! I breastfeed on demand (as recommended now a days), wear a sling if I need to (with a toddler around) and give cuddles... I just think perhaps as your mum is of a different generation and she didn't do that with you, she thinks that is how you should do it. Smile and ignore 😊 sounds like you're doing everything right.

BertieBotts · 26/05/2022 18:08

Just say no thank you, this is working for me.

Get used to ignoring unwanted advice because you get a lot of it as a parent

it's not against AP to leave him with your husband for an hour or two (or even just let him take him for a walk in the pram) though, and I do personally find this is really a helpful thing to do, both for your mental health and because it helps DH get confident with the baby as well. I know it's no trouble to cuddle them all day when they're this age but you'll kick yourself when your baby is 3 years old running you ragged if your DH has marked you as "default parent" and never ever thinks to step in. That's something that they need to build from the start.

stairgates · 26/05/2022 18:09

I'd say she has guilt that she left you to cry all those years thinking she was doing the correct thing and wants to make herself feel better by proving to herself, through your child, that was she did was right and not cruel

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IncompleteSenten · 26/05/2022 18:12

What your mother thinks is irrelevant.

What really honestly works for you and your husband is the only thing that matters.

You're happy. He's happy. Your mother doesn't get a vote.

Tell her you are happy with your decision and you aren't asking for opinions.

nearlyspringyay · 26/05/2022 18:14

Urgh, attachment parent makes me itch. You are a parent, responding to your baby's needs in the way you want to to. Just tell her you are happy the way you are. You will get tons of unsolicited advice as a parent, just nod in agreement and move on.

ouch321 · 26/05/2022 18:17

It's not healthy to be glued to your child 100 percent of the time.

It's a bit weird your post.

Lindy2 · 26/05/2022 18:18

No you don't need to leave your 3 month old baby with anyone if you don't want to. I breastfed and I didn't leave my babies until they were weaned. That was my choice.

I actually think the majority of mums, however they choose to feed their babies, don't leave them - or not for more than a very short time anyway.

Tell your mum you're enjoying being with your new baby and you don't intend to leave him with anyone for a while.

Your baby. Your choice and decisions.

Graphista · 26/05/2022 18:19

Different generation, different knowledge she'll have had her way drummed into her by supposed experts at that time, the advice changes all the time but ime is always delivered in a "you must do it this way not any other way" sense by the supposed experts

I'm probably closer to her in age than you.

It's hard to be told your way was wrong as a parent - you're feeling that way too. So have a little empathy that she's also feeling criticised as a mother.

Explain to her that new information means this is what's being advised now.

That said from what I understand of attachment parenting it pertains to all those in a child's life with a parental role. I did this somewhat albeit 20 years ago and it didn't have the name then as far as I was aware. I was a nanny before having dd and had lots of experience caring for babies. To me it seemed natural.

However your husband should also be "attaching" to your baby and your baby to him that's healthy and natural too. Your husband will need to learn how to care for baby and it may not be in exactly the same way as you as he and the baby will have their own relationship.

My dd settled in different ways with different people.

And for your own health - mental and physical you're still recovering from the birth at this stage, you need a break sometimes too. That's also normal and natural

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 26/05/2022 18:20

Of course you’re going to leave your child sometimes, just not yet. He’ll go to school, probably some nursery or childcare at some point before that. You might decide you’d like to leave baby with someone and go out to dinner with your husband at some point. But not yet. You’re not ready. That’s fine. Tell your mum you’re not ready yet. Every time she asks. One day you will be ready. Just not yet.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 26/05/2022 18:27

She sounds awful, it's natural to want to keep your baby close, at this age, they're practically still a part of you!
Tell her to sod off!

abbs1 · 26/05/2022 18:27

You do what you want and dont worry what anyone else thinks. I also have a 3 month old and Toddler. Im BF my baby and she wont drink from a bottle for anything so im not forcing it. Shes happy and thats what matters. I would never leave her for a whole day this young. I didnt leave toddler for a whole day until i got admitted to hospital several months back and hated it. I missed him like crazy but he was fine.

Im treasuring all the time I have before they are in nursery and then school and not with me all the time.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 26/05/2022 18:28

I agree with this!

Based on your description, I’m an “attachment parent” too - breastfed into the toddler years, co-slept, wore my babies in slings, lots of skin to skin and responsive feeding, etc. BUUUUUT: I’d definitely leave my babies for 2-3 hours to go out for dinner with DH (my parents or siblings babysat), go to a quick yoga class, even just go for a walk by myself.

I think you’re being a bit dramatic relating this to abandoning a baby alone in nature! Your baby won’t develop major attachment issues by spending some time with their father or wider family… quite the opposite! And you are allowed some down time. Mothers don’t need to be martyrs.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 26/05/2022 18:29

BertieBotts · 26/05/2022 18:08

Just say no thank you, this is working for me.

Get used to ignoring unwanted advice because you get a lot of it as a parent

Sorry - was trying to quote this when I said I agreed!

Original poster

JackieBrown63 · 26/05/2022 18:31

thanks so much for the advice so far. No hate against my mum I just wanted to understand her reasoning behind it from other mothers. We've talked about it but will have to agree to disagree. My hubby is also part of the "attachment" / "normal parenting". He has a great relationship with his son with lots of cuddles and fun - I'm just the only one with boobs and he said to me himself it stresses him out when I'm not around because he can't feed him (we've tried but maybe we will just wait another few months until he starts weaning)

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 26/05/2022 18:32

The best advice I can give is to ignore well meaning relatives. The amount of times I’ve cried and felt like a complete and utter failure because people have felt the need to force their way of doing things on me. This is your baby, you do it your way. If baby was constantly crying and you were tearing your hair out, that’s the point I’d listen to others. Before then, I’d just have the same conversation I’ve had with family members from both sides “Thank you for taking an interest. Trust me that if I need advice I will ask. Until we ask, please respect we are happy with our way of parenting”. And repeat until they finally drop it.

Original poster

JackieBrown63 · 26/05/2022 18:34

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers - the abandoned in nature was meant to be a joke lol. Guess I lost my SOH and brain when I gave birth!

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/05/2022 18:49

Smile and nod. Might as well make the most of the baby if your marriage is going to break up due to your parenting choices 😄

I suspect time spent alone with grandparents is a flex amongst grandparents when their young babies “I have the baby all day Tuesday”

Lavenderlast · 26/05/2022 19:44

Hi OP I did attachment parenting too 😍

My mum gave birth in hospital in the 1979s, and like women did then, she spent the first two weeks there. She said that she was told by the hospital it was best for the baby to only be fed every 3 hours, so they would take the baby away and just bring it back every 3 hrs for a feed before taking it away again. She missed the baby but wanted to ‘do it properly.’

If your mum accepts that what you are doing is best for the baby, she also has to recognise that her own parenting wasn’t as good. Doesn’t sound like she’s ready to do that.

Stick to your guns and tell her that she is stressing you and that is not helpful.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 26/05/2022 19:57

trying to get me to leave him alone with my husband

your husband has never been left alone with his son?

BertieBotts · 26/05/2022 19:58

OK I'll be fair there - DS3 was a bit like that - tended to freak out if he went more than 15 mins without access to a boob XD DH found this a bit perplexing because DS2 had been in NICU and was totally fine with being left with whoever. It did get easier before weaning. I would say DH was able to look after him for an hour or two from around 4 months old. Before that, a walk around the block was about all he would tolerate. I would definitely go for this as soon as your little one is less dependent on immediate access to food though, because it is so easy to develop this "master parent/sub parent" dynamic and that's incredibly unhelpful longer term as you get burnout.

In the meantime I hope DH is taking care of the mental load for you in return in regard to things like cooking, cleaning, meal planning etc :)

BertieBotts · 26/05/2022 20:00

Two weeks stuck in hospital with people interfering and telling me how to parent sounds like such a nightmare! I am glad I didn't have babies in the 1970s...

Madmaxxy · 26/05/2022 23:17

The reason behind it is that she had a baby in a different generation, so what's normal now wasn't normal back then. (Rightly or wrongly)

The way to say no is to say no

HeddaGarbled · 26/05/2022 23:23

TBF, she might just be worried about you. 3 months + without a break does sound tough.

User3568975431146 · 26/05/2022 23:26

Exactly like my mother. I feel for you. All I can say is stick to your guns and don't do anything you're not happy with. In my mother's case she'd have kept my child of she could have so I couldn't give an inch. Horrible situation though.

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