I can totally relate to this, OP. I’m FTM to a 3 month old and the sleep books / internet have got into my head too! My little boy sleeps well at night but doesn’t nap easily so I’ve been doing lots of reading. And all the “rules” around sleep have made me quite stressed, so I’m starting to be a bit more selective about what I choose to do, and trying to take a bit of pressure off myself, my husband and my little boy.
Self soothing seems like nonsense as far as I can tell - at least this early on. A rigid routine also seems non-sensical (and boring - you ar meant to be enjoying your baby).
Sometimes a baby will be ready for sleep after 1 hour if that hour has been super stimulating and active. Sometimes they’ll be happy for 3-4 hours even. I think the key is following their cues and ignoring the clock - looking out for eye rubbing, going quiet and staring into space. I’ve learned that the yawn is the very final cue and usually only happens once I start winding him down with his “sleep associations” (see below..!) so if I only start nap time when I see a yawn, I might already be too late.
At this stage I think you can only be doing “sleep associations” rather than attempting self-soothing. For us that’s a dimly lit room, white noise (womb noises on Spotify), sleeping bag, twinkle twinkle and bouncing/swaying. He will often grizzle and wriggle in our arms for a few minutes but it doesn’t turn into cries of distress, then he falls quiet and then a few minutes later he drops off and we place him down. If your little one is full on crying, she’ll just have adrenaline and cortisol pumping through her; making sleep even more tricky.
You’re probably thinking “but I’m meant to put her down awake but drowsy!”. I also thought this but I just don’t think it’s doable yet. I also haven’t met anyone whose baby drops off on their own in their cot. So I really hate all this “awake but drowsy” crap all over the internet, making mums feel guilty.
I read a helpful article earlier which said to follow the hierarchy of sleep - 1. Baby sleeps WHEN they should, 2. Baby sleeps WHERE they should and 3. Baby falls asleep on their own. The priority at this stage should be just getting them to sleep using whatever sleep associations are needed, although obviously the less drastic the better (ie gentle swaying that you can reduce over time, not driving them around in a car!). Just get them used to falling asleep first, then do sleep training down the line. If a baby is overtired because they haven’t been able to fall asleep while their parents are trying to get them to self-soothe, they’ll become even more difficult to get to sleep and you get into a vicious cycle.
I also worried about the whole “mustn’t engage / make eye contact” thing, but this is another thing I’ve decided is rubbish! Obvs you don’t want to be grinning away to them, but I find my baby looks searchingly at me for resssurance and comfort. It seems so wrong to pick one of the moments he finds scariest (lying down in a dark room on his own) to become aloof mummy who doesn’t smile and won’t look him in the aisle. In fact, this evening, he kept looking up at me during his feed to smile and I smiled back, thinking “this is a mistake, he’ll never settle now”, but he settled more quickly than he had in ages, about 10 mins after the feed.
I hope some of that is helpful. Sorry for the ramble. As I say, you have my sympathy as sleep is such a massively important thing and way too much has been written about it and the vast majority of it just seems totally unrealistic!