Maternity leave is so lonely

[Honeyhoney2]

My DD is only 9 weeks old and I’m already struggling with maternity leave (I don’t go back to work until she’s 9 months old).

I’m feeling smothered by the same routine, I obviously love my baby and we have moments where it’s really fun and lovely like when we’re snuggling on the sofa or I’m making her do a big gummy smile and she’s cooing at me, but I feel like I spend most of the day calming her down, changing nappies and getting her to sleep. And on days like today where she woke every 40 minutes through the night last night and hasn’t napped longer than 10 minutes today and she’s super cranky and overtired I just feel overwhelmed.

My husband works in the office 5 days a week, I try to leave the house and go for a walk every day but it doesn’t always happen. I have also tried two baby groups and I know it’s pathetic but I find it really hard to approach people there - I approached a couple of mums on both occasions and just felt really annoying, and it was like they already had their groups and didn’t want to talk to me (I know that sounds very school playground but it honestly felt like that!)

I’m struggling to see how I’ll cope with the next 7 months but I also don’t want to wish it away. Does it get any easier or is this loneliness a common thing? I feel like I’m living in a bubble speaking baby language all day, watching shit tv and eating my own body weight in chocolate

It can get better. Do you have any friends you can meet up with, even if they don't have babies? W

I'd also highly recommend joining groups based on things you like to do at this stage, rather than things for the baby. I really enjoyed a buggy fitness type class and found it easier to chat to people doing that because sometimes we'd work in pairs. Or you could just chat about how hard the exercise was.

There might be a bring your baby choir near you, or dancing, or all sorts. Find something that's fun for you and even if you don't make best mum friends you're still doing something you enjoy.

Totally normal to feel that way, especially at 9 weeks. Keep doing what you’re doing - going out most days (really, really aim for every day… even 30 minutes!), keep trying to talk to people, and eventually you’ll find people you click with.

Also, try to get out to see your ACTUAL friends (not new random mum friends) when they finish work or in the evenings. With baby if you must, or just on your own if DP can give the baby a bottle in the evening. Even if you just do this 1-2 times a week, it will be a GIANT boost to your mood and sense of staying connected.

9 weeks is generally a challenging time, when it’s normal to feel both bored and overwhelmed. Everything will start to look better when the baby starts sleeping longer stretches over the next few weeks. (I’d also recommend checking in with your baby’s GP and reading a few articles on healthy sleep habits / gentle sleep training approaches to start nudging your way there… up every 40 minutes is grim!!!)

What would you do with a day off, before having her? At this age you can go get a coffee and have a walk, listen to a podcast, get her in a sling and go to an art gallery…

I have two v young babies so this is not rose tinted glasses. Get dressed and get out there.

For when she is bigger, some classes/other local mum contacts are a good idea imo. But for now think about what you would enjoy.

I hated it too, OP. I cracked and went back to work at 4 months. My village was like a graveyard during the day, as all the adults commuted out to work, leaving just pensioners. My friends were all working, so there was no adult to chat to, and young babies are desperately boring, much as one loves them. I tried a mother/baby group, but all they seemed to talk about was teething and nappies. Any chance of you going back early too?

I'd really recommend the Mush or Peanut app. I met some lovely mums through both. It's a bit like tinder for mums in that you can swipe yes or no on mums with interests like your own, children similar age and stage.
Have made one of my closest mum friends on there after finding group situations quite difficult to break into.

I also found even going supermarket broke the day up in between cuddles. At that age, my DS contact napped whilst I watched Netflix which did get boring...so going out even when I didn't feel it really helped break the monotony.

Sorry to hear this OP. Can you make a schedule that includes things for you, not just baby?

The weather is brightening up, could you maybe plan some days out to National Trust, walks, woodland, beaches, markets? Try some new recipes. Add in a couple of meet ups during the week for mum and baby groups, or seeing a friend, and you might, hopefully, feel a bit more human.

Sorry if this is really unreasonable seeing as you’re tired and have your hands full with baby, but could you take on a project for yourself? Or some crafts?

I’m pregnant with my first and dreading maternity leave for the same reason - DH is very worried about me already - I lose my marbles if I have just one day off and I’m all by myself! Thank god for the dog, she keeps me busy and gets me out the house.

At 9 weeks old I would rest as much as you can still- i binged watched line of duty through hours of naps and bfeeding.

Once a bit older you can venture more- baby groups and soft play as something to do rather than to meet other mums can be enjoyable. I never made solid friendships but enjoyed the odd chit chat.

Anyone you could visit who isnt working a regular 9-5?

Do you drive?

Hang in there it definitely gets easier. I remember describing the early weeks as fire fighting. My days always felt a bit chaotic even though I didn't really do much. Personally I also didn't really bother with baby groups. I found the same thing, they're a bit clicky and when they're so small they aren't really getting anything from them anyway. So if you're not benefitting from them I wouldn't go and take the pressure off yourself.

For now id try and continue getting out everyday if you can. The change of scenery really helps. Just going to a cafe/walk round the park usually ends up with someone talking to you and it doesn't feel as forced as baby group situations. I also started doing some KIT days at work and enjoyed having adult conversations! My work were really flexible so I've done a few hours here and there over several months which has been nice.

I also had to change my mindset in the early weeks and just decided to accept/lean in to the situation and all of a sudden it became much easier as I wasn't fighting against/trying to change things. Just accepting it was hard at times and believing that it would pass/change really helped and somehow made me feel less overwhelmed by it all (not always easy though I know)

Not sure if any of that really helps, but it definitely does get easier. They grow and change really rapidly in those early months it's hard to keep up

@ColdHappyBap thank you, that’s a nice idea I hadn’t thought about doing anything like that!

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers Thanks very much, with the sleep thing I have no idea what’s going on! I thought I’d hit the jackpot as she started sleeping 5 hour stretches at night and would nap for 2-3 hours at a time in the day, and now this 😳😳

@TheWayTheLightFalls thank you, maybe I should give that a go. My anxiety has been shot to pieces since having a baby and I am constantly worried when I’m out and about but I need to build it up again and get better at it

@Babdoc I don’t blame you at all! I actually get more money on maternity pay than I would paying for her to go to nursery whilst I go back to work (madness hey), so we’re trying to hold that off for as long as possible 😬

@Pickingyournoseattrafficlights first of all congrats on the best MN username I’ve seen haha. We do a lot of Netflix and contact naps too - I’ll give the apps a try! It really is like dating again!

@DogsAndGin thank you for the suggestions, I’m pretty limited in that I don’t drive (never regretted that decision more than right now!) a project is a great idea, hopefully if she starts napping a bit better in the day that could work!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Line of duty was amazing - I’m currently binging killing eve! Thank you, it’s true it may be easier when she’s a little older and we can go to a few more things. I don’t drive unfortunately, so I’m a bit limited in that sense.

@Fizzl Thank you very much, the mindset thing is a very good point! That does all help thank you

I think you need to approach it as what would make you happy today- take the focus off mum friends.
if you fancy a walk take the baby out and listen to your fav radio show or music - sit in the garden with a coffee with the baby on a play mat. Be kind to yourself!

Third maternity leave stint here and I get lonely and sooo bored, much like you.

Echo others suggestions on joining classes and making some friends that are also on leave. Also, I learnt how to drive during my first mat leave. Took my baby with me to all the lessons as I was a single mum.

You do need to get out to some groups, it breaks up the week. Try baby swimming, mother and baby yoga, music/sensory play. You might make friendships, or not but it is useful to see other mums and babies.

I'm on my 6th month of maternity
I return to work in August
My baby is 22 weeks
And
I get days like this
I have a big age gap, my daughter is 16.
All my friends children are grown up I don't know anyone with a baby
I'm so looking forward to returning to work but I know I will miss my little boy so much

9 weeks is such a tough time - I emailed my manager when my son was that age saying I was coming back to work early (when he was 7/8 months, rather than 13) as I just really hated it - I hadn't yet got into the swing of groups and socialising, and like others, found it was an incredibly trying age, still lots of work and exhausting, and not yet getting a lot in return. I've found it's got so much better as he's grown - I'm now back to taking my whole maternity leave!

What really helps me is giving my day structure, I usually try and have a morning and an afternoon activity - usually one is a dog walk (often to somewhere I can sit with a coffee after), and then maybe a playgroup, swimming, baby sensory, coffee with mum friends, etc. If I spend too much time in the house I go stir crazy really quickly! It's tricky, but putting yourself out there and suggesting meet ups with mums you get along with at groups can be really helpful too - I find everyone is looking to socialise, and getting over that hurdle of asking can be the hardest bit!

First time round, I was all about the activities: baby groups at the children’s centre or rhyme time at the library.

This time round, I just couldn’t be bothered. I structure the day through ‘wake windows’ and nap times. This shifts as they get older. I read to dd, I do tummy time, I copy the activities on the CBeebies’ ‘Baby Club’, there is bath time, there is singing time, there is time batting things on the play mat/gym … of course, in order to accept that this is enough you have to massively lower your expectations (… but things get more and more interesting as you get older).

Mumsnet is a useful diversion.

I second the Peanut app suggestion! That was a lifesaver for me to meet people and form a great group that now meets up once a week.