Shared custody decision- upset and devastated

[Positivevibes451]

I moved out from my ex partner over a year ago due to his unreasonable and agressive behaviour. I reported him to the police for violet behaviour towards myself twice but never pressed charges or took it any further when I was living with him due being to frightened/ still heavily under his control. I walked away from our shared home with very little and have spent the last year trying to rebuild my life/ self esteem.

We have a young child who was conceived via sperm donor so he isn’t biologically his. He does have PR though. Since we split he has controlled custody arrangements heavily which I have tried to challenge and change due to the fact my son does not want to go and arrangements involve lots of transitions and having to see said ex.

He isn’t a ‘bad’ father in a safeguarding sense but has clear potential to be emotionally abusive. He is very manipulative and has difficulty maintaining friendships and stable family relationships.

I’ve tried talking to him, mediation etc however, he has very little respect for me and is led by his own needs/ wants rather than what’s best for our child. I subsequently started court proceedings against him wanting to put a workable custody agreement in place and reduce his contact with our son- to give me more overnights just to give our son more stability. He would still have several overnights and teatime contacts. His cafcass reports came back with historic drugs offences/ violence reports. Mine was clear. I have a professional job and have built a stable and loving home.

I have been to a court hearing and my ex has been awarded shared custody. I am devastated and upset. I did expect to have to compromise but I am struggling to see how this is in the bests interests of my son. The judge gave an offhand comment about how there was ‘no reason not to give shared custody.’ I am devastated.

I’m sorry you are upset by the outcome. It must be horrible sending your child somewhere they don’t want to go.

did your ex do as much care as you when you were together?

all I would say is to keep communication purely about contact only and keep it in writing where possible (email/text). Keep a record of anything that might be useful in the future if you want to evidence control or manipulation, then if issues occur you can go back to court with evidence.

did cafcass seek your child’s views?

I think you certainly need some support to try to emotionally move away from what happened in the past.

Unless the argument (and evidence) was that he is not safe around his son at all, for any unsupervised time, then shared custody is not different (in a risk sense) to having just some custody. Thats what the judge meant, its not a reason not to have shared custody

However managing that further down the line of course may pose difficulties but you cant anticipate that, which is why you need some support to ensure that emotionally you have a barrier there, self protection.

Shared custody doesn't mean 50/50 though? It can mean 70 with you & 30 with him?

Shared care is where both parents have contact with the child it does not mean 50:50.
I had shared care even though my DD never went for overnights Ex only ever had daytime contact.

The arrangement set out is 50/50 with nights shared equally. I have had counselling in the past to process the DV and I’m lucky that I have a very supportive family.

My little one was too young to get views from as he’s only three. My barrister was great and I feel she did everything she could. I honestly don’t know what else to do.

I'm surprised you were advised to go to court. This is the typical outcome. I was told that unless the parent is violent towards the children, if they ask for shared care they will probably get it.

My ex is documented as emotionally abusive and the DC routinely refuse to go to his. I've still been told that if he takes me to court for more contact time, he'd probably get shared care.

As PP have said, all you can do is try to deal with the fallout.

As a documented DV victim you should not have been allowed to enter mediation with this man. Was this never raised by the mediator? I’m not sure that fact will help you much at this point, I’m just amazed a mediator facilitated that situation.

Sorry OP.

We did it remotely on a shuttle basis so weren’t actually face to face. As he hadn’t been charged with it, it was deemed appropriate.

I am in a similar situation. My ex was both physically and mentally abusive to me and my children and he just won shared care 50:50 on Wednesday. I even provided pictures of the abuse to both me and my son. He has since then put my daughter into nursery just to spite me so I have to have 5 days away from her whilst she is in a nursery round the corner and I’m available to have her. I’m heartbroken and he’s evil.