Does anyone have a very different parenting style to their partner?

[MsFrog]

And if so, how do you manage it? DH and I have had a disagreement about how we talk to our 4 year old DS, and it's not the first time. He feels like I'm trying to make him feel like a crap parent - which isn't my intention, and now I feel bad that maybe I'm nitpicking and his style and subsequent relationship with DS is his business.

I'm not meaning to drip feed, but I don't necessarily want to go into specifics, as I'm not sure it's about either of our styles being "right" (although, it's hard not to fall in to that trap). I'm more looking for people's experiences of parenting with someone whose style is very different to theirs - do you talk about it, do you grit your teeth and leave it, bit of both? Does it put a strain on your relationship?

Love this thread and really hope people come along with some advice.

Personally me and my partner have totally different parenting styles and we clash A LOT. Yes it puts a massive strain on our relationship and causes many issues too. I wish he would be more of a softy like me but he thinks I’m a total doormat. So maybe we both need to meet in the middle but the problem is he doesn’t think he’s wrong in any way. He can be harsh and critical and come across unapproachable and stern.

I wish he was more of a happy chappy smiley guy. The thing is you just don’t know what type of parent someone is going to be until you’ve had kids with them, the way they treat someone else’s child may not always be the same as the way they treat their own so how will one ever know if the person they are with will be a good parent or match their parenting style.

It’s about picking your battles I guess, biting your lip when need be but speaking up if it’s required. It’s hard, it’s draining.

Thanks @ParentalGuidances it's really interesting to hear your experience. Yes, I'm the "softer" parent too, but I feel like a lot of the things DH gets frustrated about just really don't matter. I really noticed it when he was away for the weekend recently - there was much less shouting and upset all round, and that's when I started to notice he makes issues out of things that I just let go. It can be quite draining, yes.

Yes, I can identify. I too am the softer, calmer parent and DH is very rigid. Also he can get explosively angry with DC at times. Yet at the same time DH is also the more fun, playful parent. DC is dealing with it better now but I won't be letting DH take them off for longer periods of time until DC is older. Agree with ParentalGuidances, I had no idea our parenting styles would be so different before DC arrived.

Interesting responses - we parent pretty similarly but I am definitely the (slightly) harsher one.

DH can be negotiated with but when I say ‘no’ it’s a clear and accepted ‘no’ without discussion.

i feel sometimes I take over if I perceive behaviour is unacceptable and I have to keep reminding myself to step back and let DH be the wonderful father he is without my interfering.

it must be very hard if your approaches are different, particular when children get older and take a divide and conquer approach (which almost all do if they can see a perceived weakness)

I wish I had some advice for you

We had a period of DH going head to head with a two year old, then being exasperated that DS listened to me and not him, we just discussed that children are very stubborn and digging your own heels in with a toddler is a bit ridiculous and more importantly doesn't work. I didn't let him get away with everything but picked my battles, don't want to wear a coat ok I'll take one and within five seconds of stepping outside he'll be child and ask for it, prepare him for the reason we need to get out of the house quickly and the tasks we need to do to get there, distraction rather than confrontation etc. DH was a little bit defensive initially but I just said to him you can carry on arguing with a child if you like but you asked me why he listens to me and not you and I'm explaining.
We both agree on the main things though, no shouting, no physical punishment, work on rewards and consequences, be clear and don't make empty threats. So it was just a bit of tweaking around the communication, I think he expected DS to have a higher level of understanding and rationality than a toddler has.
I couldn't tolerate anyone being explosively angry with my child.

It's worrying that you talk about your DC dealing with your DH behaviour 'better now' as if it's the child's response to an 'explosively angry' man is the problem.