Lack of emotion re DD

[sken92]

looking for some reassurance that I’m not completely cold hearted. My DD is almost 9 months and I definitely love her and have enjoyed my maternity leave with her, but I’m worried I’m not feeling the ‘right’ emotions, especially about leaving her to go back to
work.

for background, my sister was diagnosed with cancer about a month before DD was born and is now on end of life care - I was diagnosed with PND when DD was about 6 weeks (currently on 50mg Sertraline) although I’m not sure it really was PND or the general trauma of the previous few months.

anyway, I’ve never had an issue leaving DD (only with grandparents) overnight and we have been away a couple of times for a few nights without her. Whilst DH is usually desperate to get her back I never feel that overwhelming feeling of missing her (I am always very glad to see her and get her back when we do!). We had her nursery induction today and DH was talking about how emotional it was that she would be at nursery but again i felt nothing? In my head I know she will be fine, she’s not strange with people at all and I trust that she will be looked after and enjoy the company of
other kids!

this has just got me thinking my emotions aren’t normal. I also haven’t felt much emotion regarding my sister’s diagnosis although we know she only has weeks/months left, I feel quite detached from it all! Has anyone else ever felt like this? I’m not sure if it’s the effects of the Sertraline and scared to wean myself off in case I go completely the other way!

Any advice appreciated 🙏🏼

This may be your tablets your taking. A lot of people I know who take some sort of anti depressant sometimes have 0 emotion at all! If you agree maybe speak to your GP. So sorry about your sister :( x

I don't think it's cold hearted at all to be ok leaving her for a few nights. You'll read about loads of people who say they couldn't imagine leaving their baby for a night, and that's fine for them, but it feels like people speak less about being ok having a few nights away.

I have a 3 month old and have been away twice for work already, obviously I miss her but I also make sure to make the most of the alone time to reset - it's my way of making sure I'm a good mum. Again, that's no comment on people who don't want to leave their babies, just that I know it's right for me personally, I can give her so much more attention 95% of the time if I'm away 5% than I could if I was with her 100%.

Feeling emotionally detached because of the medication is something separate and obviously warrants a conversation with your GP if you're worried, but you sound like you're doing a great job in a horrible set of circumstances so please don't beat yourself up

Feel like I haven't explained myself properly lol, yes very true you should not be beating yourself up about everything. I was addressing the emotional detachment part. Your doing great and wish you luck

I shutdown emotionally when I'm under stress it's a protective mechanism.
But your antidepressants could well be affecting you.

I had zero qualms leaving DD with family, nursery etc. Was thrilled to go back to work full-time. I love her to bits and don't feel that my feelings about leaving her are any cause for concern - I think this idea that we all must be miserable to leave them partly stems from the cult of motherhood as martyrdom, which is really not my thing. So no, I definitely wouldn't worry about it. So sorry about your sister.

Thank you for the kind responses! I do think
it might be a coping mechanism as my mum is quite similar! I don’t have any worries about my love for or bond with DD, just speaking to other parents and my DH I sometimes feel like I should feel more worry or guilt leaving her; glad im not alone!

It sounds like either your naturally emotionally numbing as a defence against feeling intense emotion (about your sister) or the antidepressants are chemically emotionally numbing you. Either way, this may be what you need to get through for now. As much as it's no ideal to stay emotionally numbed, I do think that sometimes certain life events are a lot to bare and that's why we have adapted the capacity to emotionally numb and why we have developed medications that help us emotionally numb. For me personally I came to a point where it was worth feeling the worst emotional pain to feel the feel the full spectrum of positive and negative emotions and no longer by numb to my environment, but at the same time I know until I was ready to do that medication saved my life and enabled me to carry on through points of my life that I would have broken down in otherwise or not been able to bare. It is a balancing act, but I wouldn't be too quick to remove the medication. Could you try a small reduction and see if that helps you?

It took me a few years to become a sentimental kind of parent. I had a lot of life stuff around the time I had my first child and was so busy just trying to Survive new parenthood and all that life was throwing at me that I struggled in this way too around showing emotions etc. I think if I had cried a few tears at a milestone there was a very really possibility I would have just ended up ugly crying for hours, so I do also think that when you are the damn holding back a river of tears it becomes incredibly difficult to just let a few roll out over a milestone. And not everyone is sentimental about those kinds of things or sentimental at all. We are all different and those moments don't have to seem important to you just because they are to your husband. It is ok if you feel and express love differently.

When somebody is coming to the end of their life it can also be incredibly hard to mark those moments. Every birthday might be the last they are here for. Whilst your child is taking at the beginning of their journey, your sister is at the end and There is no way that is not going to taint those 'milestone moments' time is so precious right now that watching it move forwards with you child is watching your sisters time grow shorter. It's only natural if you would do anything to hold back the hands of time for your sister, and so watching your child striding towards a future without her in is of course hard to celebrate.

Be gentle with yourself, let your feelings be what they are and numb them for now if needs be. Just getting through life is a battle sometimes, and your doing it. But it will of course have an impact on you, how could it not?

I think you're fine OP - we see so much all around us about "mum guilt" that we've all internalised the message that our whole lives should be spent focused on our babies and we should feel like shit if that's not the case.

I never felt guilty about leaving mine overnight. The only emotions I felt about nursery was excitement for the next stage of her life.

I've also been on sertraline and while it does damp down some emotions I also don't think it's necessarily the issue here.

And Im so sorry to hear about your sister.

This 100%

I was desperate to get back to work for some adult company, and was happy to leave mine at nursery.

I never felt sad leaving my daughter either. I felt confident with the nursery we chose and that they were qualified (more so than me!) to look after her. If I went away overnight, I knew she was with someone I trusted to take care of her. I never missed her as I knew I'd see her soon & she was having fun without me.

I do understand why you're worrying though. Sometimes I'll be away with friends and they'll be calling their partner to say goodnight to their baby. Whereas I don't do that and feel like maybe I should be - but then she is quite happy with her dad and won't miss me just for one night! I think maybe we just notice those things more, and the people saying how much they miss their child/ren etc, rather than those who stay quiet & don't make a big deal of it?

Really sorry about your sister. I think shutting down emotionally over things like that can be a coping mechanism. Maybe make sure you have someone to talk to (family member, counsellor etc) just to make sure you have an outlet for your own feelings and someone to talk to.

Just saw this in active.

Firstly I'm really sorry about your sister, that must be awful.

I am a pretty great mum to my kids. I'm loving, supportive, kinda fun. I'm trying my hardest to grow them into good people and I'm not doing a bad job. I love them beyond measure and tell them so all the time.

I have never once missed them. Whether it be overnight or a few hours, staying with parents or with mates. My first day back from mat leave was like a fucking holiday. They are almost teens now and I feel joy when they leave the house. I do also feel joy when they come back.

Fwiw I lost a sibling when my kids were pre school/reception age. It was horrifically difficult and there is only so much your mind can cope with. My dh definitely took on the lions share of the parenting for a few months both physically and emotionally because I was intensely grieving. And that was fine. My kids were fine.

So it's ok. It doesn't mean you are emotionally lacking or don't love your dd as you should. You love her just the right way and you are great.

Often anti depression medication can make you feel a bit flat. It's helps as you don't feel the very lows, but it can also mean that sometimes you don't feel any extreme emotions.

Thanks so much for the reassurance! I do think I’m probably just not a very sentimental person in general and everything going on has highlighted it even more! I’m glad I’m not the only one happy to get a break, I’m actually looking forward to work for some normality 😂

thanks also for the kind words re my sister, I do think if I mess with my medication just now it might open the floodgates so I’ll keep going for now!