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What to do when a child wants to be babied

21 replies

givemushypeasachance · 20/05/2022 15:13

My friends have an almost six year old, he's coming to the end of year one, plus he has a toddler brother. He gets babied a lot, and asks to be - typically won't get himself dressed or undressed, or put his own velcro shoes on, he moans until someone puts them on for him. Has his teeth brushed for him, often asks to be carried from the sofa to the table for dinner, will whine if he drops or spills something until someone else sorts it out for him or picks up the dropped item. If it's his favourite food he'll feed himself, but if he's less interested he gets it spoon fed to him. By choice he uses a potty rather than the toilet when he can get away with it, thankfully only for pee now. He will go to the bathroom and get a potty, bringing it out into the living room, to pee there rather than in the toilet itself. While he can communicate well and play with others, follow tasks, etc he is prone to also have toddler style tantrums where he collapses to the floor screaming and crying if he doesn't get his way - for example being told he can't play a particular game right now, wait for ten minutes then we can.

Is this an unusual level of lack of independence/babying for a child who's almost finished his second year at school? I know he can do things like put his shoes on himself, he just doesn't want to. So is it a case of getting away with being treated like a baby at home because he can? His parents don't always want to argue with him so it's easier to just e.g. put shoes on for him to get out of the house on time. My mum used to make comments about boys often being more lazy than girls; don't want to give in to cliche but it does seem like it! I would have thought he would want to seem grown up compared to his two year old little brother, but at least when he's at home he wants his parents to do everything for him. Does anyone have suggestions of how to encourage him to do more for himself, or even to want to?

OP posts:
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rnsaslkih · 20/05/2022 15:17

Have your friends asked for your input on this situation?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 20/05/2022 15:17

“Does anyone have suggestions of how to encourage him to do more for himself, or even to want to?”

What are you planning on doing with these suggestions though?

HSKAT · 20/05/2022 15:18

Christ you know the in's and out's of their daily routine.
Leave them to it. Nothing to do with you.

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nearlyspringyay · 20/05/2022 15:19

Erm, what does it have to do with you?

he's hardly spent any time in school with Covid, hes got a younger sibling who he sees being 'babied', of course he wants to be 'babied' too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/05/2022 15:20

Is it a 'friend' or is it you? Because otherwise advice is a little wasted.

cestlavielife · 20/05/2022 15:20

Do you live with your friends?
Do you look after this child?
Is it your child?

Northernsoullover · 20/05/2022 15:21

nearlyspringyay · 20/05/2022 15:19

Erm, what does it have to do with you?

he's hardly spent any time in school with Covid, hes got a younger sibling who he sees being 'babied', of course he wants to be 'babied' too.

They missed 3 months two years ago 🙄

3WildOnes · 20/05/2022 15:28

@Northernsoullover my kids missed a lot more than three months.

Teeth brushing should be done by a grown up according to my dentist. Other stuff unusual but not really your business.

nearlyspringyay · 20/05/2022 15:31

@Northernsoullover it's been a lot more than that for most he'll have lost al of yr Hmm

Cokehead · 20/05/2022 15:35

@Northernsoullover Not sure where you are but in England it was a lot longer than that- 2 separate long term closures (20 and 21) plus individual schools closing in addition to that.

OP, Have your friends asked for help? Unsolicited parenting advice tends to go down like a bucket of cold sick in my experience. Fwiw, my daughter occasionally had this at a similar age- generally when she was feeling a bit uncertain and out of her depth. What worked was lots of cuddles and reassurance plus making a game of some of babying stuff (so she got to be babied but we could also laugh about it together). It soon passed.

myrtilles · 20/05/2022 15:52

I expect this is a passing phase with the older child wishing they could be looked after like their younger sibling. Maybe they are wanting more attention from their parents. I expect it will run its course or if it didn't the parents could sort out a reward chart for the older child.

givemushypeasachance · 20/05/2022 15:54

I'm an unofficial auntie and am over there helping out with house chores and childcare one evening a week and at weekends, and have the older child by myself for several days during school holidays to help their annual leave stretch. Both parents work, they don't have local family support, they're both stressed and stretched, so I was hoping to find ways to help them encourage the older child to start being a bit more independent. As an example it's a struggle getting both children ready to go out to say the park; sorting the toddler out fair enough, but it would be easier if the older child would put his own shoes on rather than sitting in the hallway demanding someone else put them on for him, or would feed himself dinner rather than one adult having to sit next to him spoon feeding him.

I'm not going to barge in and say you should be doing XYZ - I don't have children of my own, I'm not an expert, I muddle through and take their lead. But there do seem to be struggles they could do with help with, and if there are ways I could suggest I've heard this is a good way to encourage more independence, I can maybe mention it. Equally I don't have a lot to compare behaviour with, so am prepared to be told that all children of his age are like this and they just mature with time!

OP posts:
jamoncrumpets · 20/05/2022 15:55

'Unofficial auntie' - no relation then. Butt out.

grapewines · 20/05/2022 15:58

This is not something you should get involved in. Most parents won't appreciate being told they're doing it wrong.

LittleAvocet · 20/05/2022 15:58

I think giving them love and 'babying'/ nurturing them when they need it gives them the security and confidence to want to be independent. If they know you're there ready to help they often will want to do things on their own soon enough. I don't think advice would be particularly helpful here. This little boy will get there and adjust with continued attention and support.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 20/05/2022 15:59

grapewines · 20/05/2022 15:58

This is not something you should get involved in. Most parents won't appreciate being told they're doing it wrong.

Tbf most parents wouldn’t expect a friend to do regular childcare and household chores!

Sounds like a very unusual arrangement OP, I hope they’re very appreciative.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 20/05/2022 16:06

The NHS says at 6 a parent or carer should be doing tooth brushing.

Imogensmumma · 20/05/2022 16:14

oh as a teacher I shudder at this, the parents need to start being the grown up and nicely say no put your own clothes on, jacket, we use the big toilet now, eat with a fork etc etc

We see too many kids who are babied who just crumble once at school because the difference between expectations of behaviour and independence at school and home are too great. Please encourage the parents to help the kid become more independent tackle one issue at a time such as feeding yourself

givemushypeasachance · 20/05/2022 16:18

JemimaTiggywinkle · 20/05/2022 15:59

Tbf most parents wouldn’t expect a friend to do regular childcare and household chores!

Sounds like a very unusual arrangement OP, I hope they’re very appreciative.

They don't expect it, but I'm happy to help. I used to go around for dinner once a week before they had kids, and when kids arrived that continued and evolved more into a helping out. If I've got a free evening and no plans, and I know they're sleep deprived (toddler doesn't sleep well), the kitchen is full of washing up, piles of laundry to sort, they could really do with an extra pair of hands to do some jobs, help make dinner, play with the kids for a bit to give them a break, it seems selfish to sit on Netflix all evening when I could offer to pop around and help. A weekend day was added in during covid when bubbles first started, I couldn't see anyone else anyway!

I'm not naturally a kid person, but I've tried to learn over the past few years and get on well with them. But I'm not their parent and don't make the rules, I go with the flow on what their parents do and say. If there's scope to suggest some things they may want to consider, like reward charts to encourage things the older one can do but says he doesn't want to, like with shoes, it's something to maybe mention. I never say anything about their parenting in a judgy way as it's not my place to, but overall I'd just like their lives to be a bit easier!

OP posts:
Daisypod · 20/05/2022 16:19

While a lot of kids did miss a lot of school he will have been there all this year and the majority of reception year so I can understand why pp said he only missed 3 months. Personally I think bringing potty into the living room to use at 6 years old is too much and certainly not something I would be putting up with. I think there's a difference between babying and giving children comfort and indulging them so much you are preventing them from gaining independence and confidence in their own abilities. Of course this is barring any valid reasons for this such as learning delay or not being neuro typical

DelphiniumBlue · 20/05/2022 18:47

You can bet he does all this stuff for himself at school.
You're not his parents so if you are looking after him you can do it your way. If he sticks his foot out for you to do his shoes, ignore it. Don't indulge this nonsense, don't carry him, don't feed him, and be prepared to spend time waiting for him to do these things for himself. He will once he realises you mean business.
As for his parents, I'd suggest coming up with things that only big boys can do, so that he sees there's no currency in acting like a baby. He needs big boy activities and treats, not "boring stuff that babies do".

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