I'm separated from DD's dad but for numerous reasons we are still living together. I should be able to move out soon. I've always been a bit worried about how he would cope with being a parent. The reason our relationship has ended is his continued verbal abuse and aggression towards me when I disagree with him and also he gives me very little back in terms of interaction. He often totally ignores me if I speak, and has never really responded to my emotional needs preferring to shout at me and force me to suppress them, and stop bothering him with them. He doesn't ask questions, has no interest in what I've been doing etc. His family are exactly like this too. Basically he has almost zero emotional intelligence.
Our DD is 20 months and learning to speak, she understands a lot and will respond to questions like 'would you like more?' Or 'shall we go and get in the bath?' I do a lot of chitchat through the day, involving her in decisions etc. Her dad barely speaks to her when he is left with her-I can be upstairs for 30 mins and hear her chatting and shrieking, and I won't hear him say one word to her. Yet he will maintain he has been playing and interacting with her if I get up the courage to question him. Usually this is when I've clocked he's playing on his phone and ignoring her. He has no idea how to soothe her when she is upset and if she's having a tantrum will walk off or ignore her whilst she clings to his leg screaming to be picked up. She seems to be increasingly craving his attention and wanting cuddles/him to play but if this doesnt suit him he will just ignore. If I need to go elsewhere in the house and leave her with him I will often come back to find her hysterical, and I'm starting to wonder if this is because she's frustrated and upset at having her needs ignored and being rejected. It kind of reminds me of the state I used to get in myself when he would just ignore my needs or feelings. I don't expect him to be full on interacting with her at all times but this is different- he just doesnt seem able to put her first or meet her needs especially where they clash with his own. I'm worried that long term this will damage her- I feel increasingly like I can't leave her with him because she gets in such a state and I don't trust him to deal with her sympathetically. Has anyone else had a similar situation? How did you minimise the effect on your child? Or am I overreacting and we just have very different parenting styles? I don't feel like I can raise this with him because if I say anything that could be perceived as a criticism he doesnt react well.