I don’t love my baby yet, looking for reassurance

[PoTayToes80]

I know not everyone instantly loves their child and I’ve been trying not to worry about it but I thought that I would feel differently by now.

He’s 3 months old, he’s not a difficult baby and sleeps well during the night. I didn’t have a traumatic birth (straight forward planned c section) or any other recent trauma that might prevent me bonding. Although breastfeeding was pretty difficult and upsetting for about 2 weeks before I gave it up.

I have a great partner who is a great dad and does his share of parenting and housework.

I think he’s cute, I (mostly) like him and feel fond of him, and most days there are patches of time where we have fun together. But I’ve only felt something I could describe as love for him once. I feel a bit like the days are blurring into one and I’m going through the motions with him without feeling really attached.

We moved out of the city we lived in before I got pregnant so my life has changed fairly significantly, it’s not as easy for me to see my close friends or do the things that made me feel me very often. I have family nearby which is great and I’ve joined some mum and baby groups, but overall I don’t feel very joyful about life and motherhood. While I only feel actively bad on some days, the rest of the time I just feel… kind of neutral.

I was never maternal and always thought I didn’t want to be a mum, but took a leap of faith with my partner. I’m worried I’ve made a mistake.

I don’t think I have PND, I’ve a history of past anxiety and depression and I just don’t think that’s it.

I guess I’m looking for positive stories from mums who felt similarly (the threads I’ve seen seem to be people who had reasons they didn’t love their baby - PND, birth trauma, etc)

Please don’t reply to tell me I might have made a mistake and that some women shouldn’t be mums. I’m looking for hope.

I didn't feel that instant love I don't think.
Feel like the love and bonds grows as his personality develops

It didn't come for me until 6 months, maybe more like 8/9 months. Until then, DS was just a cute potato really.

It may well not be PND or PNA but it is probably worth having some therapy. Your hv can refer you.

Whrn my daughter was a baby I looked after her. She was sweet. But it was like looking after a friends baby. Therapy and time changed things

I have 4 kids, I've only ever felt overwhelming instant love for ONE of them (my 3rd, who, funnily enough, was the only traumatic labour and horrific pregnancy I'd had).
The rest I was very "aww, you're so cute, now go to sleep" type thing.
Don't worry, I loved them all completely with time! I don't think it's unusual at all.

I did not feel that love. I felt a MASSIVE sense of duty, responsibility and care for him. I knew that his happiness and well being was more important than mine. And yes, I thought he was cute sometimes. But not love.

I also was not massively desperate to have children and largely did it because DH WAS. (I mean, I wasn't totally AGAINST having children, but I wouldn't have been devastated if it didn't work out).

I know you say you don't have PND, but in retrospect, I realised that I did have some low- to mid-level PND. I did have a chat with my doctor at one point and we agreed I certainly wasn't at the point where intervention was needed. But it was real. I believe that this was, in part, because I hadn't been desperate for a baby - the massive shock of how my life changed was just unfathomable for me. Exacerbated by the fact that I had never been a baby or kid person so I wasn't getting all the warm fuzzies from just hanging out with him.

It did get better. After about 6 months in particular, but more and more over the next year or so after that. Mostly as he developed a personality. He would make me laugh or he'd make ti clear that HE loved me.

He's 11 now. And hanging out with him (when he's not being a moody pre-teen) is super fun. He's a wonderful person and I absolutely adore him.

Hang in there. Also, feel NO guilt about working hard to find time for yourself and to remember who YOU are. You can't love someone you resent for completely changing your life in ways you're not certain about.

With my first it kind of developed between 4-6 months, as his personality started to develop and we could interact more (instead of me talking/ singing at him and getting little back). Give yourself time, you literally just met him 3 months ago, and were plunged straight into the relentless routine of feeding, changing and very little sleep. It's challenging enough keeping your head above the water and surviveing the first few months. As the newborn days get less intense you will start to enjoy your time playing together, then the bond will grow from there.

I remember this feeling, I was fond of DS when was born but he didn’t feel belong to me, felt more like I was baby sitting. I was never fussed about being a mum but chose to have a baby as my husband wanted one (no pressure from him I was neutral to it)

Then one day it hit me, I was looking at him playing on the floor and I was that’s my son. Yes definitely our bond grew as his personality came out. He is now 8 and firmly bonded so I don’t think the slow start mattered.

So you are not alone in these feelings it’s ok.

I also wasn't maternal . Actively didn't like children and always said I'd never have them . My mother died suddenly 1 week after he was born so the first month or so were extra stressy and then we went into lock down. I still don't believe I had any sort of PND though . I think the love and bond comes much later for a lot of ppl if they are honest. I wouldn't be without him now .

I felt exactly the same. I have one son who is now 22 months old but the first few months i went through phases exactly like you are. At the beginning i struggled to bond with him, i felt others could calm him better then me, he did not settle in my arms and he did not know that i was his mum. But one day it just kicked in, i think as others say as his personality grew i fell in love with him and now i could not imagine my life without him.

I am not going to lie, there are days even now when i feel i need a break or overwhelmed etc but it is very important that you get as much support as you can especially during those times. Try to get some fresh air everyday even if it is for just five minutes and if you feel you cannot manage ask for help. Good luck with everything wish you all the best with your little one 🙂

Massive upheaval to your lifestyle, and two upsetting weeks of trying unsuccessfully to establish breastfeeding is more than enough to throw you off-kilter and make bonding tough.

I remember very clearly looking at my DS when he was about 6 weeks old, and I just had no feelings for him whatsoever. Absolutely none. Just a crushing sense of obligation. In retrospect I probably did have PND and certainly should have asked for help. But time healed, he's 5 now and I could munch him up he's so lovely. Please do speak to someone in real life.

You are in the range of normal -
raisingchildren.net.au/newborns/connecting-communicating/bonding/bonding-newborns

However worth speaking to someone in real-life.

Have you had any time away from the baby?
I noticed that the feeling of love was strong when I was away from them- this intense want to be near them and to worry about them.

I felt similarly after having DS. For me, it was the first time he was properly ill with a horrible cold and fever that I realised how much I loved him. It's hard to describe, but how worried I felt for him and how much I just wanted to do anything to make his pain and discomfort go away... it's
like it crept up on me without me noticing. Don't get me wrong, I'm still not a natural parent and life with a young DC is very much a chore to me a lot of the time. But I wouldn't be without him.

It took months for me. I was prepared for it not to be instant but was shocked by how long it did take. Especially as it was instant for DH, as soon as he saw DD! I did have severe PND, endless BFing problems and DD severely ill and re-admitted to SCBU which didn't help.

What helped was starting to parent the way I wanted. I was under a lot of pressure to attachment parent but found all the on demand stuff and never being away from my baby very stressful and claustrophobic. Once I got the confidence to ignore those people, establish a routine which gave the days structure, one evening a week out at a craft group on my own and that really changed things and we bonded!
A copy of The baby book: how to enjoy year one helped me with that confidence.

Good luck!

Hello I just wanted to post an update, firstly to thank everyone who replied and provided reassurance and secondly so that anyone else feeling the same way would know how things were going for me.

I feel like I’ve had a kind of breakthrough. We’re on holiday and it’s involved lots of driving. I was dreading it a little as I thought it could potentially involve a pretty cranky baby and a lot of hard work for us. One day I traveled for an hour by car with the baby, then 2.5 by train with him alone and then my partner picked us up and we traveled another 4 hours by car. Anyway, he’s been a little superstar - so easy going (95% of time!), so interested in everything around him and charming everyone he meets with his big grins and baby chat. I’ve found myself feeling so proud of him and think I’ve fallen a bit in love with him.

I know it will still be very hard work and it won’t all be rainbows but I’m feeling so much better about the journey I’m on to get to know this awesome little person who has joined my life. It’s now up to me to start making sure I pick up some of my own interests again outside the home and motherhood to keep me grounded and sane!

What you're feeling is perfectly normal, try not to worry. Some people get the bolt of love described, others don't. You just tend to hear about the former because it's more romantic! Our baby is nearly 11 months and I would say it's only the last couple of months I've started to feel a really strong bond and attachment to her. I've always felt a need to care for her, but like you couldn't have described this as love. Today I picked her up from childcare and she turned round, beamed at me and crawled over to me going 'mamamamama'. It made my heart melt, but I don't feel that all the time. You will have these windows where you feel much more attached, and times when you don't, but the sense of attachment and love definitely grows with time :)

Re your update - that's great news! But as others have said, it's fine. You're fine. When DS was born and they handed him to me, I felt utter horror. I can't remember when I started loving him, but it took a while.

Pretty sure that's normal.

I can't remember exactly how old my dc's were when I actually loved them.. But I definitely felt the need to protect and care for these tiny vulnerable beings instantly 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's a lovely update!

Hi all - I just wanted to write to the Op - I know this was a few months ago now - but also to anyone searching this topic online like I was about 9 months ago, to provide hope and a source of comfort just like I was looking for.

My first few days with my baby were bliss from what I remember. I was tired but in awe, but it was a bit of a blur to be honest... And then the baby blues hit on day three as my milk came in. This lasted two weeks straight and was so severe I thought things would just be easier if I wasn't there anymore. Everyone else was so happy. I felt like my life was over. And I couldn't 'not be here' because I had all this responsibility - which made me feel even worse. All of these feelings amounted to the awful feeling that I didn't love my baby. Two weeks later on the dot, I woke up one day and felt so much better - more positive and happy. The baby blues had dissipated but I still felt that horrible feeling that I didn't love my baby.

Im an empath and looking back, I think I found it really difficult that she always seemed unhappy, as of course crying is a main means of communication babies have early on. So our interactions often felt negative to me even though they were of course normal! I think the baby blues also lingered in a less potent state for quite a while... And I think this happens for many of us - the hormones required for growing the baby, birth and milk whether you breastfeed or not are INSANE!

Weeks turned into months, she started to smile, get a personality, learn new skills that she was proud of, eat food, show her enjoyment, and very importantly, learned to sleep! I got to know her. Yes when they are born some people feel instant gushing love for their babies. I felt love in that I would have protected her from anything. I completely changed my life and put her every need before mine. I might not have felt that gushing love but if you are keeping your baby alive, feeding and changing nappies, that's still love ❤️.

But it took time for me to fall IN love with her because I had to get to know her. I think there are two different kinds of love - loving them in terms of loving them to look after them, and being 'in love' with their personality - with who they are! And it's probably the same for them too! They love their carer and then over time they fall in love as they get to know you - the way you make them laugh, read them a book, cuddle them in bed etc etc.

My baby is 10 months old now and I love her so much my heart hurts. I actually miss her when she's asleep in her room. Yes the days are tiring and there are points I wish I could still go to the gym or get my nails done! But I wish I could have told myself back then that it would all be ok and that I will love my little darling girl more than anything in this world. So if you are reading this, hang in there. You are doing an AMAZING JOB loving your baby enough to keep his/her belly full, nappy clean, and them safe and warm each day. And be patient, sometimes love needs a little time to grow (and those hormones need some time /months to settle down).
x

What a lovely update! I'm happy just reading it.

With DS1, I felt INTENSELY protective. Too much, and too anxiously. Love built up slowly. Now I really love my 2 DC more than anything I ever loved.

In fact, that's the first time I felt "one way love". I'm fine just loving them, I don't need anything back.

And then I love them even more because I didn't even know it was possible, and I'm thankful for them for showing me that.

And in the beginning it was just a feeling of having to protect them.