Not having a third

[houseofboy]

So after much deliberation about whether to have another husband has said he doesn't want another. Would never push for another we have two perfect little ones and it's not fair to I've another just for me but I'm so sad. Not sure how I deal with not getting to do the baby stage again or add to our family without making my DH feel guilty. I know I'm lucky with what I have already just can't help feeling sad for what I won't have.

[NewandNotImproved]

You could foster, or work in a nursery if you like being around babies. People born today will have dreadful futures on our fucked planet, so at least you won't be inflicting that on any more people. Two kids is more than enough.

[IndigoNZ1]

I’m in the same boat. I’d hoped my husband would change his mind but he hasn’t and now I’m 43 so I have to give up. I hope I don’t end up resenting him. Just trying to focus on the two lovely boys I’ve got and hoping I’ll get over it.

[mdh2020]

Two kids are not enough and three is too many - so says my DS who has three DC. I would say stick at two because I am the middle one of three and so is DH. We would never every have had three. Enjoy what you have and move on to the next stage in life

[PutinIsAWarCriminal]

Can you afford 3? Holiday child care, school trips, holidays, driving lessons, uni fees?

[Lockedoorsopen]

The third kids fucks shit up.

[Eastlyne]

People born today will have dreadful futures on our fucked planet, so at least you won't be inflicting that on any more people.


Oh sssshhhhhh.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

you hold the memories you have of when your two were little and embrace the new stages they are moving into.

[zeromango]

I feel you OP, I'm so sad not to be having a third but my oldest has severe disabilities and we can't risk having that again as lovely as DC is. Because their needs are so high I do feel like I've only had "one" typical baby so I feel I haven't quite finished yet but have to respect my DP and our responsibilities we have now. But I totally understand.

[DorritLittle]

I also found this difficult (understatement). That said, DH and I both one of three and like the PP, this was a big factor in not doing. Also the cost. Clubs alone are breaking me at the moment.

[Searchfornessie]

OP I do get why you feel this way. But if it’s all about the baby stage then three won’t be enough either. Your third baby would grow up too!

[sunnysaturdaydaffs]

It gets better. I was desperate for a third but DH said no and he was right. Now we have two lovely teens, great holidays and school runs are a distant nightmare.

when I look after nieces and nephews I get a taste of three and think basically the third would have been feral and treated like a pet. So much we did with the first just wouldn’t get done, plus it would have been screens all the way.

DH is the youngest of three and didn’t enjoy it.

Take lots of photos of them when small.

[User48751490]

@NewandNotImproved

You could foster, or work in a nursery if you like being around babies. People born today will have dreadful futures on our fucked planet, so at least you won't be inflicting that on any more people. Two kids is more than enough.

Well that's the memo I missed. Oops I had four🙊

[obsessedwithsleep]

@mdh2020

Two kids are not enough and three is too many - so says my DS who has three DC. I would say stick at two because I am the middle one of three and so is DH. We would never every have had three. Enjoy what you have and move on to the next stage in life

Out of interest, what were your experiences as middle child?

[houseofboy]

Thanks for the support from most of you, it's not just about the baby stage currently my children have no cousins and whilst they may do on one side I don't know and I suppose an element is I worry about my children having family as they get older. I know most of this is probably irrational but I can't quite shift the fear. I guess like many I had a covid baby so feel like I lost the first 4/5 months of doing baby stuff/ seeing people and enjoying my maternity leave, again irrational I know.

[Evilcountspatula]

Op I really sympathise and I was in exactly the same situation a few years ago, I could have written your post, even down to worrying about lack of cousins/smaller family etc. I still do sometimes get a pang when I see friends with big, boisterous extended families but I have to remind myself that those come with their own set of challenges and there’s no guarantee that extra children will be happy, healthy, get on with the others and that you would have no 3 with your own health in tact. Now that mine are older I’m SO happy that I didn’t push for number 3 - it’s enabled us to do nicer things as a family and me to build up a career that I love so I now wouldn’t do anything different for the world. I now acknowledge that DH was right in his assessment of what was best for our particular family and circumstances, and I wish you well in making peace with the decision. Focus, cherish and build on the blessings you have and you’ll eventually get there 💐.

[Shreddiesandmuseli]

Hi, I’m in the same position as you, I’ve got 2 DS aged 3 and 1 and I’m about to go back to work. DH has not really clearly said he doesn’t want a 3rd until last night, I think he just didn’t want to disappoint me. I’ve felt really sad all day today. It’s mad really as our 2 are IVF babies so I feel I should be more than grateful for them which I am of course. But I can’t shake the feeling that my family doesn’t feel complete. It’s very difficult! From what I’ve read, the person who doesn’t want the children takes priority as it’s worse to bring an unwanted child into the world than not have one 😭

[breatheintheamazing]

@Shreddiesandmuseli

Do you have any embryos left frozen? I have 2 after having twins a year ago. If I didn't have them I'd feel like our family is complete. But the fact that they are sat in a freezer 20 mins away from me......

[Qwill]

@houseofboy

Thanks for the support from most of you, it's not just about the baby stage currently my children have no cousins and whilst they may do on one side I don't know and I suppose an element is I worry about my children having family as they get older. I know most of this is probably irrational but I can't quite shift the fear. I guess like many I had a covid baby so feel like I lost the first 4/5 months of doing baby stuff/ seeing people and enjoying my maternity leave, again irrational I know.

I have no cousins, my partner has a few but never sees them. I really wouldn’t worry about that, it’s not something that as crossed my mind growing up!

[Shreddiesandmuseli]

@breatheintheamazing we have one left!! The other reason this is so hard. But then I did think if I had 6 left I wouldn’t have 6 more children so I suppose that one might never have been used anyway if there were loads of that makes sense. Are you going for a 3rd?

[sunnysaturdaydaffs]

It helped talking about it quite a bit with DH. I didn’t pretend I was OK about it, and as time went on I was less sad.

I also knew people who had a severely disabled third dc which impacted their lives greatly. And we have a three bedroom house, so might have had to move etc.

It’s ok to be sad about it. There isn’t a ‘right’ answer and a happy four is better than a grumpy five.

[breatheintheamazing]

@Shreddiesandmuseli

I have an older child too and then the twins. But I lost 7 babies in pregnancy and took 5 rounds IVF to get the twins and our two Frosties.....Maybe that's why I don't feel our family is quite complete. Id be perfectly happy to transfer them and them not stick so long as I at least give them a chance x

[elbo7]

I was in this situation, DH wanted to stick at 2, I wanted a third. It was hard and I still think of what might have been, but now, 4 years later I am happy with the decision. What 'helped' is that DC had a health scare and luckily are fine but it made me feel like I'd be rolling the dice going for a third (dc health scare is genetic).

I know it sounds very cheesy but I have 2 healthy children and part of me feels that I couldn't be so lucky again.

I'm now enjoying the DC being a bit older and a bit more independent. Both are in full time school and it's much easier. They are growing up fast but it's lovely to be in this place in life.