Bullying

[user1467639835]

Since the age of five my eldest son has been bff's with another boy in his class. I have also got quite friendly with the mother.
The boys are now in year 6 and just before Christmas the "friend" started to be nasty to my son and told him he didn't want to be friends anymore. He went on to say that his dad didn't approve of my son and didn't want them to be friends! I know the father and I actually can imagine him saying that.
My son is a lovely mature boy, bit cheeky, but hasn't got a bad bone in his body. Never been in a fight in his life.
The friend is a very sad angry little boy, his parents are very strict with him they make him do a lot of extra curricular activities and tutors after school and at weekends, which he hates. I know because he's told me.
Anyway, since he announced the end of their friend ship. This boy has spent most lunch and break times pushing and shoving my child, swearing at him. Making school really unpleasant. I have had to keep him off a few times because he is so upset.
I have complained the school and they keep doing mediation with them. Sitting the in a room asking them to tell each other what their problem is with the other 🤨. Which doesn't work, my son won't say because the doesn't want to hurt his feelings. He just wants him to leave him alone.
The parents have also stopped talking to me and my husband.
On Friday I get a phone call from the school saying my son and this boy have had a fight. The biggest she ever seen. It was initiated by the other boy, he hit and punched my son and stamped on his ankle (he'd hurt it the day before in pe). As a result my son got told he couldn't go to the end of sats party and was told to sit in yr 4 and do maths papers instead. The other boy wasn't allowed to go either. However, his dad came to collect him at the end of the day and took him to the party to join in 🤬.
I have had to reject party invites because this child is there and could start on mine and I'm not the only one apparently.
I really don't know what to do about it, I have repeatedly gone to the school and feel they do nothing. Haven't they got a duty of care over my son's well being?
Since this has happened I am getting messages from people with similar stories about this boy and his brother hurting their children. All of them say the mother blames everyone else's child and refuses to do anything about it.
We have 2 months left of primary and I want it to be a good experience. I hate seeing my son so upset.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Are they going to different high schools ?

It's not fair at all is it? Does your son have some other friends. Perhaps you could encourage a cinema trip or whatever boys like to do and help him enjoy life with other children?
Sadly there's not a huge amount you can do other than keep a diary, report it and keep telling your son he's doing amazing. I hope it all ends soon for him. It's really not nice

Yes thank god

School need to stop mediation, it’s not working, and they need to separate them as much as possible.
When my DD had a problem like this she was allowed to stay in at break and do jobs for the teachers.

I know, mediation is a joke. Just keep them away from each other.
They have their residential trip coming up and my son really doesn't want to go because of this child. I think the school should say the other boy can't go.

Sounds like it’s getting to be a safeguarding issue. If it were my child, I’d be asking for a meeting to discuss what steps the school is going to take to ensure my child’s safety, and what the plan will be to manage this on the residential.

So awful for your DS to have his last term of primary spoiled by this.

Unfortunately I found that they all tend to fall out at this age, they get ready to move on and get new friends. However your son’s last term and residential trip shouldn’t be ruined by him. They won’t stop him going, but they need to promise to keep them separated.

Yes, there are a lot of fallings out. They are all definitely ready to move on.
I will ask the school for a meeting 🙂
Thanks

Find the school’s bullying policy. It may be within behaviour or safeguarding if it isn’t separate. Ask for a meeting with head or deputy and go through it with regards your son. It will have more in it than just mediate. There should be a log of incidents, if you have records then you could ask to compare the two. Then ask the school their plan going forward and get this in writing and what is agreed and who by. (You can always take notes and then it email it afterwards e.g. just to confirm we agreed x and y by this date.) Then if that doesn’t work make a formal complaint. Find the complaints policy and stick to it factually. You could always go straight to a formal complaint but again use the bullying policy and quote where it isn’t being followed with regard to your son. But my inclination would be a meeting first with the policy and arrange a different way forward if you’ve already done that then go straight to a formal complaint.

Have a look at the schools complaints procedure - it’s like a parents handbook of expectations from the school.

If you have a meeting, quite the rules, and then send a follow up email detailing what was said and what they indent to do and when the review is - all in the book.

Schools do not have to log verbal discussions, they do have to log written complaints etc on file. This is why you need to email.

Ask about the community police officer, as they are over 10 they can be charged with assault. Any CCTV? Ask that the community officer visits the children in school - police want to prevent charging children and the community officers are all about prevention.

Ask for the governor's email address so they can be kept in the loop - make sure each incident is logged as bullying.

Make in clear you aren’t going to be swept under the carpet and take this lying down.

What I would say is this:
If there is someone who is awful to me I stay away from them, I do not go to mediation or sit near them. I stay then hell away from them and do not engage with them at all. What is wrong with schools? They handled this completely wrong.
Maybe arrange something for your son to do with some of the others.

Don’t ask for governors email addresses so we can be kept in the loop. It’s not our remit to get involved with this until it comes to us under the proper stage of the complaints procedure. In fact, if you have informed the governors then it’s a pain if it gets to our stages in the complaints procedures as we have to have no prior knowledge.

It sounds like by “fight” this boy wasn’t able to just beat your son up. It’s unfourtunate and I wouldn’t give this advice if your son was a smaller boy but possibly the only thing you can really do is tell him to fight back if this boy gives him any trouble. The school isn’t going to do anything so this boy needs to be afraid to try anything.

My son is much bigger. He did fight back. What else could he do?
I told the school if you don't do anything, he will hit back and don't come running to me.
Exactly as I predicted. But unfortunately because no teachers witnessed it. They both got equally punished.

I would be very concerned that no teachers witnessed the fight. If it was at playtime or in the lunch break, then there should have been supervision. I can not imagine that the fight was in a lesson.

I would raise that with the school.
As others have said, every incident should be logged and an email trail kept.

I hope you can get this resolved.

@user1467639835

Thats good. If this kid is picking on a boy who is bigger than him he’s more than just a bully look to throw his weight around, he clearly has mental problems. I guess it will be over soon, honestly I would tell your son if he tries to do anything just deck him, whatever it takes till he gets the message.

Thanks for all the advise. I wrote an email to the school, quoting all the policies they failed to comply with.
My friend is a governor at the school so had an off the record chat with him.
I have since discovered that the father of the child took the phone call from the school about the fight. Didn't tell the mother, congratulated his son.
Also found out the the other boy screamed you f*king c*t at my child repeatedly across the playground.
Hopefully they will take action before he does this to someone else.