AIBU to ask husband for help

[littlehelp]

Afternoon all,

I am literally worn out and it’s now got to the point of no return but not sure how to approach.

I am mother to 5 youngest 14 weeks and eldest 13. I seem to have made it my role to cater for the school runs being nursery, primary and secondary.

Both myself and husband work and run our own businesses but I’m expected to still work, washing, cooking, school run and night feeds with no help. He gets up goes to work yes he works hard and starts early.

My work is starting to be impacted and I am just getting resentful of my husband. I’m paying half of everything and not taken any time off work as I can’t.

how do I get out of the rut without divorce because that seems the only option where everything is split and I get time for myself.

He throws it back at me if I go and have my nails done in my own time to try and keep me feeling happy about myself I just can’t win 🥹

You saying I seem to have made it my role to do everything is telling … you’ve picked up all the grunt work plus your paid job and he’s been very happy for this to carry on

assuming he’s not pulled his weight ever?

It’s very tough - what do you wnat to happen? You’ve already mentioned divorce

@rubyslippers I just want to not be solely responsible I want to have the freedom he has and the chance to work a solid day and not be running around picking the children up I just feel it’s all down to me and can’t cope with it anymore

Tell him
is he a a reasonable man and if so why can’t / haven’t you told him? Is he just so super busy and manly and you just need to do it all?
you are entitled to as much down time he has
he should be sharing the workload at home
These are the absolute basics of a respectful relationship

You jointly agreed to have 5 children, life was always going to be hectic. He’s taking the piss to leave you all the shit work but unless he’s changed in the last 12 months you’ve knowingly added to your own already heavy load while he remains detached from family life.

I don't quite understand how you got to the point of having five children without sorting out the basics like this.

My DH and I share the load very equally - we both have full time careers but we only have two kids. If the work starts to feels out of balance I say so. However I definitely don't find time for socialising, nail or hair appointments. Can't currently even find time to exercise.

So I think you need to recalibrate and work out what is important with your DH. Is he really doing nothing to help at all? Make a list for each of you and see how the work falls then get a blank piece of paper and look at how you make it all work.

Also for your older ones - any kids over 8 should be doing chores and helping with the younger ones, so don't forget that part too!

So stop. Write down everything you do, pick half of it, give him the other half of the list and make him do it.

Divorce and insist on 50/50 with the children so you get every other week to yourself. Will be bliss.

Seriously a man who insists on you paying 50/50 but doing 90/10 is a shit and not worth being married to. If there was any chance of him being fair it would have happened by now.

I suppose you could tell him until he starts doing his 50% you wont be paying 50%. And just stop contributing financially until he starts contributing his fair share domestically.

As if you can insist anyone takes their DC 50/50, or any amount of time more than they want. Why do people say this?

Genuine question ... how do you get to this position where you have FIVE chIldren with a man before you realise how useless he is? .

This must be a troll ....

@Ragwort thanks but I’m a person and not a troll! Little harsh from you.

@Ragwort and @LollyLol yes we got to 5 children but we just get on with it but since 5th arrived I have found it more difficult and since my mother and then grandfather passed it’s just put life into perspective more and I value time more. Also that I shouldn’t be riding solo when I have a husband and children.

@AnneLovesGilbert @LollyLol also the older ones do have chores and help around the house, I told him last night I need help with the dropping and collecting of children in which he agreed ‘if’ he could not holding my hopes up, I said even if it’s just twice a week it would make a huge difference.

I shouldn’t have to ask it should be a given he helps without a request but looks like I’ll have to push and demand otherwise it’s not going to be offered.

What can you control in this dialogue with your husband? For example, you pay half of everything but you work and do all the housework. I’d cut my financial contribution to a quarter of everything, save the rest, and tell him you are carrying the family and until he’s sharing the responsibility for dinners, clean clothes, a clean house, taxiiing the kids everywhere it is too much pressure on you to expect half the bills. You have a great example right there- ‘darling you can’t commit to 2 lifts per week for your own children. How do you expect me to keep up with jsut about every single thing for us the dc and the house AND bring in as much as you do financially? I’m saving it for when I have a breakdown so we can afford some extra help when you have to not jsut work but do every little thing for me and our dc. You’ll be glad of being able to get a cleaner in then, because it’s not the walk in the park you seem to think it is. If you can’t pull your weight at home, you’ll just have to bring in 3/4 of the income.