AIBU grandma favouritism

[Mckgdil]

Just wanting to get a balanced viewpoint.

I live away from my family, met my dh at work and settled in his area. Had 2 kids. MiL taken on some childcare and support. Own mum travelling up and down country to provide support. MiL always tired, can’t deal with kids etc and constantly telling me how lucky I am to have her. I eventually removed dd from her care due to MiLs moaning.

MiL refused to take ds (child 2) as too stressful etc. I expected this and worked around it with childminders and nursery etc.

Both children now in school, I work around their hours with dh.

SiL has since had child. MiL providing 100% care with no complaints. Calls him ‘her baby’ (he’s school age)attends his birthdays (does not attend my dc’s).

Everytime it is mentioned to dh I am accused of trying to start an argument. Every time I mention moving closer to my family, there is drama.

AIBU and/or stupid

Your DH is a bit off to be arguing everytime you suggest moving closer to your family. But maybe MIL just didn't get on with your kids but does SILs?

I could have written similar

MIL never bothers with our kids, not interested. It's always us making the effort to see her and if we ever need babysitting it seems like it's hard work 😓 so we rarely ask

Yet she has looked after SILs 3 kids from pretty much birth onwards, she has them full time while SIL works. Plus often at weekends so she can have nights out etc

plus takes them on holiday etc

I honestly don't understand what is wrong with my kids that she is so disinterested 😞.
Sad thing is mine are old enough to see it now

And also why is your DH not saying anything to her ?!!

Why is her favouritism ok with him?!

(Saying that, my DH doesn't say anything to mil either so I can't really talk!!)

That is so sad for your children. Presuming they don't have conditions that make them very difficult to care for them it is pure favouritism on mil's part. I was very lucky with my mil, she looked after my DC who were her step grand children, exactly the same as her other dgc, including taking them for a week every summer as she lives on coast so DH and I could have a romantic week alone. Pil also came on 3 weeks holiday with DH, me and my DC and helped with childcare. Now my mil is old and fil had died so living alone and now my children frequently drive 150 miles and fifty miles to visit mil and she is always so thrilled to see them. One day your mil will regret not making the effort with your children.

OP it sounds a little like your MIL wasn’t coping with childcare for your children and she was entitled to ‘refuse’ (ie say no) when you asked her to take on more. Maybe she is at a different point in her life now and more able to help you SIL’s children. Who knows but as your children are older now, it sounds like your childcare issues were resolved some time ago.

It also sounds like you are trying to pick a fight with your DH and you sound really resentful. I would try to find ways to let this go, make peace with the situation and invest your time in energy in areas that you can change rather than an impossible situation that would require changing others.

I'm a MIL and grandma neither come with a rule book just like becoming a parent. As your DCs grow they develop different personalities and have different needs and wants. As parents we are reactive to this meaning they don't both always necessarily get treated the same but you still love them both unconditionally. I chose to have 2 children a decision that has resulted in 6 grandchildren (and counting) that I adore. Like my DCs they all have different personalities, needs and wants. It's hard spreading yourself between 6 grandchild and being seen as 'fair'. I rarely say no to childcare and love thinking of activities that will create memories. One DC is a confident, sociable high flier who was helped financially to achieve their ambitions. They are able to provide a lovely home, super holidays and have to spread themselves very thinly across an extended family and large friend base. This means I don't get to see them so often but try to make the time I do get to spend with them extra special. Other DC has anxiety issues, less confident and lives in poor housing. I try to support by having their DCs when possible so they can get out of this environment. It's a case of quality v quantity in circumstances outside of my control but still dubbed unfair by one DC and their partner. Other factors that have influenced my decision making on helping with childcare is I'm older and much less fit with later grandchildren, bending down, picking them up and energy levels are affected. My partner has been ill and I needed to see to his needs. I fell and damaged my ankle when out with first grandchildren, an incident that has made me worry for their safety going forward should it happen again. Therefore I don't do the same kind of activities with the more recent ones. One DC is happy and appreciative of my grand parenting style, the other requests frequent photos and updates on what they're wearing, doing or eating that are then commented upon, making me anxious about whether I'm doing right or not. They ask if I can babysit but want it done at their house and their terms although I'd much rather do the childcare at mine. The fact is I love them all for different reasons just as we do our own DCs but at different times for different reasons I have to make different decisions about what I can and cannot do.

Thanks for support and advice all.

My dc are really well behaved and can entertain themselves so when she does spend time with them, she really enjoys it.

I think I was upset because she said (in front of my dd) that she wasn’t bothering to come to see her on her birthday. This was while we were sitting in SIL’s house celebrating her child’s birthday.

I’m very much over the favouritism personally (almost desensitised) but the look on my daughter’s face when she heard it absolutely gutted me.

I’ll just make sure her other Grandma and family are around for her on her birthday so she feels loved.

Some people just favour their daughters over their sons. I think a lot of it has to do with women doing all the emotional work to maintain a relationship - how connected is your DH to his mum? Does he show an interest in her and foster a close relationship? Calls, texts, time together just the two of them, gifts etc? Whenever I hear people criticising their MILs for prioritising SIL kids (in real life) it's almost always the case that their husbands put no real effort into maintaining a relationship with their mothers.

They talk every day, he calls her every night. She phones him frequently every day to the point my DH has to tell her he’s working. We live 5 minutes away from her house.

Let’s set up a support group!