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'not handling 3yo well

11 replies

WildOnce · 10/05/2022 22:00

DS has just turned 3. Recently he has started shouting at me that I’m a ‘silly mummy’ this is whenever I ask him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He has also started copying whatever I say and repeating it back to me which, I admit, I find very annoying. He doesn’t do anything I ask and basically just ignores my requests/instructions. It’s embarrassing when he does these things in front of people and I feel shit and ineffectual. We are getting into a rut of me telling him it isn’t nice to call people names and silly and that I don’t like him copying me. I can get him to stop the copying of it if I make it a game but it’s so constant I don’t have the energy (I have a baby too) to be doing this all the time as it’s frequent.

Today we’d had a largely good day but we were at a park and he needed the loo. We’ve recently potty trained and I could see he had a few spots of wee where he’d started going then stopped himself. We’d used the spares so needed to get him to the loo. Obviously he didn’t want to go and leave the park so he ran away from me and was shouting at me for about 5 mins until I caught up with him on the climbing frame. I had to peel one hands fingers off the rope but then I snapped and wrenched his other hand off. I just felt so angry and frustrated and helpless! He threw himself on the floor and had a tantrum but got over it soon enough.

I shouldn’t have pulled his hand off and feel it’s a bigger issues of me becoming a shouty mum at the moment. I honestly feel really shit and like I’m the reason he is so argumentative, angry and takes no notice of me. He’s not always like this obviously but it’s happening a lot at the moment and it’s not a nice place to be. I’m constantly frustrated and weary from it all and feel like we are stuck in this horrible cycle.

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WildOnce · 10/05/2022 22:01

Agh! That was supposed to be ‘not handling 3yo well’!

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LifeIsBusy · 10/05/2022 22:04

Hmm... How's his understanding? My DS repeats things but that's simply because he doesn't understand.

With the meltdowns, I find taking a step back and just waiting for them to come and gently reminding them which way you're going.

WildOnce · 10/05/2022 22:17

He is very articulate, more like a 4yo to be honest so he understands very well. He delights in telling me that he is copying me so he knows what he is doing, cheeky little so and so.

My patience is thin at the moment, it’s worn me down. I do need to step back at the meltdowns, I just feel so powerless!

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LifeIsBusy · 10/05/2022 22:23

Then a different kid entirely with regards to understanding.

With the meltdowns I ask myself whether or not I really need to be somewhere and if the answer is no then I stand and wait with gentle reminders.

You know your child best thought and what might work 😁

modgepodge · 10/05/2022 22:44

I could have written your post. I am finding my lovely 3 year old exhausting at the moment. Arguing about everything, refusing to use the loo when she obviously needs to, running around shrieking with laughter when she’s supposed to be getting dressed/undressed, changing her mind about what she wants to eat and throwing a tantrum when I refuse to cook a second dinner…it’s exhausting.

i try to give lots of warnings when changes are happening, eg ‘we have to leave the park in 10 minutes’, ‘5 minutes left now’, ‘time for one more thing then we are leaving’…mixed success.

following for ideas more than with any suggestions 😂

WildOnce · 11/05/2022 07:12

@modgepodge I’ve just been told he wants pom poms ‘NOW you silly mummy!’ Cue scream and stomping when there are no pom poms. Now to get him dressed which is always a massive drama! It’s only 7 and I’m tired!

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AshGirl · 11/05/2022 07:22

I find this book very helpful, and it usually helps me re-set and feel more positive. We got to a point with our now 5YO where we felt we were constantly at loggerheads which was rubbish for all of us. It's so frustrating and exhausting when everything is a battle!

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/184812614X/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_YZHJ8FX09AN52HEX777P

SkankingWombat · 11/05/2022 07:36

What do you do when he calls you names? What are the consequences? Do you follow them through?
The pompoms thing would have me explaining that's a very rude thing to say, and I don't give pompoms to rude people (even if pompoms were never going to be given).

At the park, TBH at 3yo and only just potty trained with wee spots showing I would have let him have a nature wee unless the toilets were incredibly close. The wee would be non-negotiable though. "I can see you need the toilet, and have asked you nicely to come now. If I have to remove you from the climbing frame to go, we will be going straight home afterwards with no more park. One... Two... Three." And mean it! You will still get the tantrums initially as he's used to getting his own way, but once the penny drops he will comply (albeit often when nearly at "three"...).

LeeMiller · 11/05/2022 09:13

DS is 3years 4 months and this all sounds very familiar, it is exhausting.

The book recommended above is great, I reread it every so often when I feel I am getting impatient and cross and not the parent I want to be.

Things that are helping slightly here:
I also give warnings before transitions (3 more kicks /1 last go on the slide before we leave) and talk positively about what could happen next if he is cooperative (if we get dressed fast we can read x before nursery/if you have a snack/wee break now then we can stay longer and go on the big climbing frame) rather than negative threats.
Acknowledging if he doesn[t want to do something but explaining why we have to do it anyway and (his favourite) telling him a story about when mummy was small and did something similar.
Picking our battles but sticking to threatened consequences for the important or safety rules so he understands we really mean it, even if it involves a tantrum. Another basic one that I don[t always manage is trying to tell DS off/ask him not to do things in the most disinterested bored tone possible, since of course the more annoyed I sound/look, the more he keeps doing it for that attention. Then I really heap on the praise and acknowledgement for the behaviour I want to encourage.

Miriam101 · 11/05/2022 12:01

3 is the worst age! At least, it was for us. So extremely annoying, with lots of sweetness in between of course. Got a lot better at 4. Sorry, no concrete advise. How to talk so little kids will listen helped us & has lots of good tips and tricks which actually worked. But mostly just gritting our teeth and waiting it out, oh- and 15 hours' free childcare!

BertieBotts · 11/05/2022 12:05

You need the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. I'd get the originnal not the little kids one, although they are bpth great.

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