How should I have dealt with this? Hitting

[Panda368]

ds is 3.5 and was really over tired tonight. We have just come back from holiday and went round to In-laws for tea.

As we were leaving I picked him up as he was being quite resistant and wanted to go play at the play park and he starting hitting me around the head and laughing.

I grabbed both his hands tp stop him and carried him to the car telling him to stop it and not to hit.
he carried on trying to wack me round the head and laughing while I strapped him into his car seat and it turned into a real struggle. I shouted at him at full volume which I’m not so proud of and he just laughed and carried on.
it only stopped when I accidentally caught him in the face with my elbow when trying to buckle him in which stopped him long enough for me to sort the buckle and shut the car door on him.

I’ve got no fucking idea what happened

how the fuck do I deal with a 3 year old who just hits me and laughs about it. Especially when I couldn’t just disengage as that was 100% what he wanted.

hes been doing similar things recently so any advise or possible strategies that have worked for others would be appreciated? Shouting from me doesn’t work I just end up with a sore throat and being laughed at..

Def not a mn favourite but I would have hit him back..
And then agree that hitting isn't nice
.. He is well old enough to know not to hit you.. Unless any SN.

No SN. Well I don’t think so anyway.

I worry more that if I hit him once the floodgates will open on hitting and I don’t want that. I don’t agree with it. I feel bad enough for fully shouting in his face and it having no effect.

He keeps doing weird attention seeking behaviours like spitting when he gets in a funny mood or has had a tough day and I’ve got no idea how to manage it.

Its like a reaction to being overstimulated or tired and I really struggle with it. I was terrified of being told off as a kid and it seems to just wash off him.

If DS is overtired I'd have just restrained him as best I could, repeated hands aren't for hitting and ignored as best I could. But there's no getting through to mine when he's overtired like that and shouting just eggs him on as they're looking for that attention. I say 'hitting makes mummy really sad' which usually stops him as he doesn't like to upset me

Dd is a year younger but when she gets to the point that she is just hitting to get attention, I pick her up and put her on my lap and narrate that until she's calmer, I can't let her get down because she's hurting me/her sister. Then I hold her in a bear hug so her back is to me, I'm not hurting her and I just chat calmly to her if she screams. She's usually ready to say sorry in less than a minute

I also do the bear hug with back towards me.
My hands over theirs and their arms crossed.

Don't beat yourself up about it, OP. It happened.
Going forward, I would advise that you don't react to his behaviour other than to tell him hitting / spitting etc isn't kind. As PP have said, if necessary sit down and grab him on to your lap with his back to yours. If you can remove him from the situation by picking him up and carrying him horizontally with his back to your side, do that. (Both of those mean he can't hurt you while you're holding him.) Then ignore him where possible. Speak to him telling him he needs to calm down, regardless of what he is doing or saying.
Don't be afraid to tell him you won't speak to him while he's being unkind if you need to.
At over three years old, he will be starting to develop understanding of consequence, so go with that.
If you are finding it too stressful, you can hand him over to DP or DH if you have one. If not, you'll have to ride out the storm, but remember it will die down. It might be tough to begin with, but he will eventually get the message, and you will have a strategy in your toolbox to deal with it.

Our son is 2.5 and does hit and kick when he's struggling. I try to remind myself that he's having a hard time hence this strange behaviour, but the laughing and hitting, and doing it more really pushes my buttons and i found myself pushing his leg or him away more forcefully until eventually he flipped from laughing to crying.
In the end i realised he had a need and i wasn't meeting it, so i tried for hitting just putting my hand and saying high five, and giving him as many as he needed. And for kicking i say let me know when you want to kick and you can kick the floor (or whatever) and let me know when you're done.
Then i can encourage him and also it totally de escalates things.
A lot of the things are like a cycle, toddler behaviour triggers parents and then parents behaviour makes the toddler more stressed, etc.
It's hard to find the cycle breaker especially in the moment but there must be a solution somewhere.
Good luck.

When DD is overtired or very upset I just hold her hands and repeat "mummy's / people are not for hitting". In your case I'd have done as you did. Somehow wrestled her into the car seat and thrn have a talk about it later when they are calm again.

Definitely don't hit back. I can't see how they will help

As hard as it is he is just learning how to communicate and what his boundaries are which are unfortunately coming out in a very physical way. My step son has odd quirks that he does when overtired, and he used to get quite physical when overtired, couldn't get an ice cream, had to leave park etc, only age 3 and grew out of it quite quickly.
You did the right thing telling him not to hit etc, maybe just keep working on ways he can communicate, I have no idea what they could be but sure Google will have lots. Maybe some sort of chart 'im feeling red' that sort of thing. And if he's frustrated and wants to just be physical, maybe get him a punch bag or something, expend his energy and frustration on something inanimate.

Sounds like you dealt with it fine. He was overtired and you needed to put him in the car.
in a difference circumstance you could move away if they are hitting.
it’s all a phase and it will pass.

I think at that point I would have tried firstly stopping and speaking to him - not while carrying him along, but put him on his feet while holding his arms firmly and saying ‘don’t hit mummy. If you hit me again xyz.’ xyz obviously being straight to bed when home/no tv/no sweet etc. Then I would have followed through, when home ‘no we can’t do xyz as you’ve been hitting me again. I don’t like being hit, it makes me sad and cross. That’s why I don’t hit people, I don’t want to make them sad.’ Then perhaps working on taking preventative measures. So before letting him out of the car at the park explaining ‘we are at the park to play. We will stay for x minutes, then you need to come to the car nicely. If you hit mummy or don’t listen we won’t come to the park tomorrow as that’s not doing the right thing. If you listen nicely we will do xyz when we get back home.’ Then close to leaving give him the time eg ‘ten minutes left Jack. Only two minutes left. Okay time to go.’

I don’t agree with hitting or shouting but I think at 3.5 you can’t just let the child whack you and laugh, you need to present yourself as in control and firm rather than flustered.

Do NOT hit him back, that's awful advice. I would suggest trying to get him into a position where he can't hurt you, eg carry him facing forwards if you can, and wait til he's had chance to calm down before you discuss what he did wrong. Staying calm is really important as he might be encouraged to do it again if he sees it gets a reaction.

Definitely don’t hit him back. If you can’t control yourself and hit out in a temper how on earth can you expect him to learn not to hit out in a temper?

A child learns from adults. If they are hit by a parent they learn to hit others. I always noticed how lovely, polite, considerate children had lovely parents who treat them with respect. Parents who wallop their children have children who wallop others. Not nice and really dangerous to encourage anti social unacceptable behaviour in little children

Just to be clear. I may have wanted to hit him in that moment but I definitely didn’t act on it and I do not plan to.
I don’t believe in hitting. I also don’t like shouting.

It’s just such fucking hard joyless work at the moment and I’m really struggling to like him currently. I have a 6 month old so I’m not sure if it’s all partly hormonal but I can’t help but feel sorry for DS having such a shit mum who can’t manage him.

he told me he didn’t like me because I don’t do fun things the other day and to be fair he has a point. I take no joy in doing anything with him at the moment which I’m guessing he picks up on and won’t be helping his behaviour

OP this doesn’t help you but I am so relieved to read this thread. I have a just turned 3yo and a 7mo and it’s hard graft at the moment. 3yo very belligerent and shovey/hitty with me and brother and it is joyless, as you say. I snapped and yanked him off a climbing frame today when he was shouting at me and running away and hitting etc. Just to say you aren’t alone at finding this hard!

@Findahouse21 That’s the technique used in book called Raising Lions. Worked for us. No hitting. No biting. No kicking. No more tantrums throwing head on a floor. Or all of this very occasionally or in very mild playful way. My son is a cheeky, clever 2 yo thingy. They say in the book “Hold them now, or you won’t be able to handle them later.”. It doesn’t use any harsh shouting or physical punishments parents might opt in for otherwise.

And also it works for kids that don’t respond to reasoning and other verbal motivational or disciplining techniques.