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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving baby with others

19 replies

2021Muma · 06/05/2022 21:02

Me and my partner have only left our baby a couple of times with others and for no longer than an hour.. shes very used to being with either of us everyday. She’s 6 months and in a couple of months we have weddings coming up meaning we’ll be gone all day and till late for one and another one requires an overnight stay. I get really anxious about leaving her, how do I best prepare myself and her for these occasions. Do I leave her a few times with others and build up it up each time or am I worrying too much if we’ll only ever be gone few and far between?

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DSawyer · 06/05/2022 22:06

Could have written this myself!

We have our first wedding of the season tomorrow. I’ve only left my 7mo baby with my 72 year old mum for 2 hours max (and some of those were mostly nap times). We did some practise runs in the lead up to tomorrow (a date night coming back late; mum “babysitting“ whilst I was still here - things like that). My mum only changed baby’s nappy for the first time today!

The other half took some convincing; he was initially adamant he would stay home and miss the wedding tomorrow (they’re my friends getting married) as my mum is a bit tentative walking with the baby up/down stairs or even getting up from the sofa with the baby in her arms. She is desperate to looking after her grand baby though.

I am glad we’re pushing through and I keep telling myself “if not now, then when?” … but baby was screaming the house down today when my mum was “babysitting” so now I have some doubt about tomorrow. I’m hoping it was because she knew I was home so wondering why nanny was putting her to bed.

We’re 1.5hrs away so could always drive home if my mum is struggling but it’s not exactly just around the corner.

Fingers crossed it all goes well tomorrow!

MNHQ

CarolineMumsnet · 06/05/2022 22:44

Hey OP. This is bringing back memories. I remember enjoying the weddings once we eventually got there but the build up was full of anxiety. Anways, I'm hijacking the thread. I'm popping on to let you know that due to a glitch your thread's popped up in classics rather than on a board where you are more likely to get the advice and support you are after here. We'll move it over to parenting. Any questions around this or if you'd prefer us to move it somewhere else, drop us a line at contactus@

Moomeh · 06/05/2022 22:57

I would take your baby to the wedding. At that age she'll sleep in the pram at intervals and be adorable when awake. It's quite young to leave her all day and/or overnight: you're her primary carer and she'll be pretty inconsolable the whole time. It's not really fair on the babysitter/whoever you leave her with

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Original poster

2021Muma · 07/05/2022 09:05

@DSawyer Ahhh I do hope your day goes well and hopefully baby will be fine with your mum! And good idea driving back if needs be all you can do is try

@Moomeh i would love to take her with us but both or no kids allowed :( I’m gutted, my mind would be completely at rest if I had that option

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toddlingabout · 07/05/2022 09:15

I've missed weddings because of them being child free (either my OH just went or neither of us). At that age I wouldn't have left them for that long. It is quite a risk leaving a baby with your mum at that age, especially as she seems so unsteady on her feet. What if she falls and drops the baby. It also doesn't sound very fair on her as she's not done enough of a build up for the baby to get used to her. I know it's probably not what you want to hear. People you organise child free weddings have no idea of the inconvenience this causes and fail to realise that not everyone has childcare on tap. If you have the money, could you book an Airbnb locally to the weddings and she comes too and you can be there for parts of the wedding?

Lazypuppy · 07/05/2022 09:21

I would start building up to it now,for both them and you. Wr started regularly leaving our DD with family from quite young as knew we had some events planned that we weren't taking her too. Honestly the first time wr gound harder than DD, and from the 2nd we were happy to leave her and go off and enjoy the afult only time! We always love going to pick her up, but have always mafe the most of the time we get to have without her for certain events.

Bornsloppy · 07/05/2022 10:18

I think this is one of those things were it's worse for you than it is for them - last time my 1yo had a sleepover he was really annoyed I'd returned because he was having a great time with my old toys! I'd aim to do a few more hours apart just to get them used to it.

Plenty of mums go back to work after a few months, I doubt childminders and nurseries across the land are full of inconsolable crying babies.

TiredEyes1991 · 07/05/2022 10:26

OP ignore the comment regarding other mums going back to work and crying babies etc - nobody’s talking about other mums. We’re talking about you and your baby. I feel the same as you - personally if the wedding doesn’t want kids there then I wouldn’t go. They’re well within their right to say no kids but you’re also well within your right to say well I’m sorry but I can’t attend.

ExPatHereForAChat · 07/05/2022 11:16

I had the world's clingiest baby and thanks to lockdown didn't have to leave him for a wedding until he was 18 months. It was still hard then!

You have my sympathy OP.
Just keep in mind it is good for baby to know you won't always be there 24/7 but you'll always come back.

Have a great time at the wedding, it sounds like you're well overdue a good night of fun and adult company!

HSKAT · 07/05/2022 11:21

Start building the time up now that you are away from her.
It's hard, first time is the hardest but honestly it does you both the world of good.
It's good to miss someone, and the slobbery kisses and smiles when you reappear melt your heart.

Original poster

2021Muma · 07/05/2022 12:10

@toddlingabout @TiredEyes1991 I appreciate the comments about not going to the weddings but sadly they’re close friends and my partner is going to be best man for one so not going is sort of out of the question.. it would also cause arguments for us both. I have friends going who are in the same vote with their babies but they aren’t like me and have left theirs many a time for overnight stays which is great if it’s suits them but I would struggle with this- I wish I found it easier.

@HSKAT @ExPatHereForAChat @Lazypuppy Thank you. maybe the best thing to do would be to build up leaving her a bit more with others and hopefully it is all just a lot worse for me than her- mum guilt and worry is so strong ! And not only that I will be returning to work in a few months, thankfully part time but I don’t want to be regretting not leaving her more for her own sake when I do have to be apart from her- I know if I don’t start soon enough then I will never do it.. does anyone have advice on how to make it feel easier ?

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toddlingabout · 07/05/2022 12:15

It's totally normal to feel like that. I do really get where you're coming from.

Would it help if you employed a nanny to support your mum? (Or could one of her/your friends help her out). That way she wouldn't be on her own, so if she needed the loo even, there would be someone to watch your little one and just for emotional support? I get she really wants to help and that's lovely. It might help both her practically and you emotionally to know that she's not totally on her own.

Original poster

2021Muma · 07/05/2022 12:33

@toddlingabout thank you! So it’s not actually me with the 72 year old mum that was someone else’s comment haha!

in terms of help I do actually have a good support system, I have my mum and dad, my sister and PIL… they do all work full time and have other commitments so it will only be for weekends or evenings they can help. But I do worry about people not listening to some of my wishes as but hopefully this won’t become an issue and I know everyone loves and cares for her so much which is all I can ask for- it’s more me just worrying about her! I hate the thought of her being upset without me around but we all have to go through this I suppose

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Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:35

She will probably be fine given she’s so young and has already spent time away from you both at such a young age.

toddlingabout · 07/05/2022 12:43

Oh sorry! I got confused. In that case, it's probably a lot easier if there's 2 of them. The more they're left the easier it gets.

It's best to just be honest with them about how you're feeling and I'm sure they'll do what they can to reassure you. They could send you photos? There is going to be a certain amount of them doing it their way which may not be totally in line with how you'd want it (e.g. more telly than you'd like) and you having to come to terms with that. However, if there's something you're totally against, then speak up (my big thing was dogs in the room, especially leaving the room with just a baby and a dog in it).

HSKAT · 07/05/2022 12:47

When I first started leaving my son with GPs I told them what I wanted and his routine even though they knew it I wrote it down.
They would send me photos/videos and would text drop a text 'just finished a bottle, fast asleep' etc
That way I knew exactly what he doing 🤣 but made me feel better.
As times went on and he's older I still get photos and a text saying he's fine etc.

Geranium1984 · 07/05/2022 12:53

My baby was a real velcro baby and would not have like to have been left with anyone. He was born at the beginning of lockdown so we didn't have the chance to be going out anywhere and he certainly wasn't used to having anyone else around.

In the lead up to my son starting nursery at 12mo, I found a lovely babysitter who came over twice a week for 2 hrs the 6 weeks leading up to nursery just so he had some experience of being left with someone else.

I'd definitely get your mum over frequently and try and leave the house for a couple of hrs each time and over a bed time. I can see why it wouldn't work well if you were still in the house.

DSawyer · 08/05/2022 12:08

@2021Muma We had a successful day yesterday. Partner and I went to the wedding; baby stayed with mum. We got regular texts and even a phone call with baby babbling in the background. Glad we but bullet & once we were at the venue we relaxed / too distracted catching up with old friends to worry too much. Baby had a great time and i swear she’s smiling even more today (and she’s a pretty smiley baby!).

good luck!

Original poster

2021Muma · 12/05/2022 16:39

@DSawyer oh I’m so glad you had a good day and you had a happy baby too!! Thanks so much for sharing this with me it makes me feel better, we are planning to leave her for a few hours tomorrow night with the in-laws as we are invited for a party so I thought it would be a good trial to see how she gets on!

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