Just a little bit more….

[PelotonMama]

First time poster here, mum to a DD (5.5) and DS (3). Both much wanted IVF children. I work 3 days a week in a relatively senior job which I very much enjoy.

My question relates to my DD. Had I not had my son a couple of years later I would have believed that I had completely and utterly failed as a mother. But having my son, a very easy going boy, illustrated just how ‘demanding’ my daughter is. I have tried very hard to give both children lots of love and affection, give them fun and positive experiences and we are very fortunate to live in a lovely house and want for nothing.

But my daughter is very rarely satisfied, always moaning about what she has or what she wants next. I feel like I have and am giving her all of me in terms of love, efforts and energy and it is still not enough. I’m sure she isn’t doing this intentionally but I feel that she is continually testing my love for her, wanting just a little bit more over and over again. I feel I am at my limit and so I’m reaching out to a group of strangers to see if they have any advice.

My OH believes I have bought this all on myself by not being strict enough, but that’s a whole other thread. The pandemic has also eroded any resilience I had in relation to this issue….and I very often feel on edge about what extra things I am going to have to do to prove my love today.

That sounds difficult. Are you wanting advice? Can you give an example of her behaviour?

Yes, any advice gratefully received.

The examples seem small when I write them down, but it’s the cumulative effect I guess.

Always wanting an option that I haven’t offered (eg do you want weetabix or Cheerios for breakfast. No I want toast). Every single time.

Always asking for an extra ‘goodnight’ (after many many cuddles/good nights/love yous/ before bed). Screaming if refuse to do it.

Having enjoyed an event (eg a school mates bday party), she’ll be happy for 5 mins and then find the thing she’s unhappy with (eg party bag was rubbish).

She cannot ‘just be’ - her mind seems to be continually scanning the horizon for the next criticism. She must be exhausted.

I want to teach her about resilience and finding joy in the small moments.

No advice - sounds a bit like my son 😬

The examples you describe don't sound that bad tbh.

I think the only thing you can do is model how you want her to behave? Try to find joy in everything yourself? (Exhausting I know 😆)

That’s helpful to know too! Maybe some children are just like this and I need to suck it up!

Sounds very like my daughter, nearly 4. My son who is 7 is very easy going and content whereas my daughter will choose a battle each time. I find it very tiring and as a family we have learnt to pick our battles.

We have the breakfast battle every day. Insists on one thing but very often doesn't finish it. I have learnt not to get frustrated at this as this then often sets the tone for the day. This may be bad parenting but as I said I'm choosing my battles. I do this with a lot of meals. I make sure the choices she has are healthy but getting her to finish a meal is not worth the tears and chaos it causes.

She can change her mood at the flick of a switch and can be having a lovely time but then one thing (normally something her brother has done/got that she hasn't ) can instantly send her in to a tantrum. I handle these by often removing her from the situation (I've often walked out of parties/restaurants) and talking to her about how her actions can affect others. Sounds daft but I say 'if you're sad, it can make me/daddy sad, how can we fix it?' We also have a unicorn book that talks about emotions and I refer to that 'can you remember unicorn being happy?' And that seems to work.

I've also found recently being breezy 'oh well never mind' or 'well that's a bit silly isn't it' can defuse the situation.

I'm not sure if this is much help but that's the best way I've found to get through the rough days!

I feel your frustration OP- she is definitely much harder to handle than her brother was at this age and she will be the child makes me pull My hair out but on the flip side her character, her mischievousness, her giggles and her resolve make me laugh every day. We call her whirlwind cos that's what's she's been since day one

Very helpful thank you. Would you mind sharing the name of the unicorn book as DD is a huge unicorn fan!

Of course, it's currently in her bedroom and i daren't risk waking her but I'll get it tomorrow morning!

I appreciate it’s hard but you need to be able to draw on your own resilience to deal with her. As a mum and a nursery staff my reactions to your scenarios would be;

No choices about breakfast, and no discussion about it either. Just bright and breezy conversation about something else.

A hard and fast rule about how many good nights/ hugs / kisses happen at bedtime, and a reminder when the last one is happening. Ignore any further demands. Ear plugs if necessary!!

A refusal to engage with moaning or unnecessary negativity, just change the subject completely.

You will need the patience of a saint however 😁

What do you do, what is your response, when she screams about not getting another goodnight?

Up until this week, I have been giving in in that example. I wanted to make her feel loved before bedtime. No excuse really and I know it’s contributing to the issue which why I stopped and now just walk away.

This is really helpful, thank you. I will try the ‘not engaging’ approach as the current approach just ends in a long protracted argument.

My friends dd can moan quite a bit and it is draining I find that her mum panders to her and that seems to make her worse . I try a different tactic with her which works . She'll start moaning could be about anything and I will say ' what's that weird noise ?' To which she says ' what noise?' Then I say really dramatically' ah no it's you moaning I can't bear it ' she laughs then stops.

But my daughter is very rarely satisfied, always moaning about what she has or what she wants next. I feel like I have and am giving her all of me in terms of love, efforts and energy and it is still not enough.

I don't mean this unkindly, but I find your comment ironic, given the negativity that you are expressing about your DD. You are complaining about her seeing the negative side of everything, and yet you are doing the same about her.

The behaviours you are describing are very common. She's not 'testing your love', she is testing boundaries in a normal way. You sound as if you have got into a negative mindset about her, and the risk is that that creates a spiral of negativity - with you seeing every whinge as reinforcing your view that your DD is 'rarely satisfied'. I would really urge you to try to get out of that mindset, for both your sakes. Your expectations aren't realistic - you can't expect a 5 year old to appreciate her luck in living in a lovely house and wanting for nothing - you are her world and she doesn't understand that other kids are not as lucky.

Rather than prioritising re-programming how your DD thinks, you need to start with your own mindset about her. Please don't give her the label of the difficult or negative child - she will live down to your expectations. Give her lots and lots of positive reinforcement of the good stuff and remind yourself of all that is great about her.

I’ll try this tomorrow!😀

I think you are probably right, all valid comments which I need to think about.

My 5.5 DSS is like this. I find it relentless. I work in education so often see it in kids older and it makes me wary. I just don't engage. I'll give him a couple acceptable options and if he argues for a different one I will repeat the first two options. If he doesn't choose from them I just walk away. DH does the same. It seems to have improved a bit since then but a lot of it is just personality. I know grown adults who are endlessly complaining and unsatisfied.

Sounds normal for this age. My 6yr dd whines a lot! Always finds something to
Moan about. Always wants one more or one different to whatever's on offer.
Set boundaries and stick to them. These are your options, choose it or lose it. If you pander your every whim you're setting her up for some hard reality when everyone else on the planet isn't going to.
Give yourself quality time out so you can take a breather. They are really intense in this never satisfied stage.

Have you read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen? It’s got really good tips in there for these type of scenarios. I usually do distraction and being silly, and then briskness.