In laws wanting to stay

[ElmtreeMama]

This might be a long one ...

I have posted before about my in laws, the issue being that when my husband was a child he was sexually abused by a relative disclosed this to his parents who then did nothing about it.

My husband has a so so relationship with his parents now, one of his siblings is very close with them and one of his siblings is no contact with them because of the above.

Since having my DD I have struggled with this even more because I do not understand how they didn't act and stop more abuse happening (they said they tried to make sure the perpetrator wouldn't be alone with the children but sometimes this happened due to childcare issues).

So the relationship has been mostly superficial but polite and I have been ok with that as my husband wants a relationship with his mum.

However now they have said they are coming to stay with us for 3 nights, I just struggle so much with this, DD is still a baby (a very high needs one), I'm not comfortable feeding in front of fil so will have to come upstairs, plus I just find fil toxic and don't want him having any influence over my dd. We have already agreed in laws will never have unsupervised contact as we don't trust their judgement but DH wants a positive relationship between his mum and our daughter.

I feel it would be unfair of me to say they can't stay here (my family have stayed) so I'm looking for maybe some validation as to why I feel like I do and also any tips to get through it.

I think its fine to say to your husband that it's too much for you with the baby and to find a close by hotel/ air bnb.

Your family didn’t fail to keep you safe from a pedophile as a child after you sought help from them.

there’s no comparison really.

has your husband had counselling or seen any experts for his mental well-being, or to try to help him work through the childhood trauma he suffered?

I wouldn’t want the IL’s anywhere near my child either, they’d make my skin crawl.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers thank you
Thats kind of where my mind is too

Thank you @frazzledasarock that reassures me I'm not wrong, he has, he can't forgive them but wants a relationship with his mum as she wasn't really involved, didn't know the full extent and also just because she's his mum I think!

If I was in your situation I would feel very uncomfortable too. I feel uncomfortable with people staying at my house unless I'm very close to them anyway, but this would certainly make me feel really upset and uncomfortable.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes. But I imagine you feel like you 'can't' or 'shouldn't' feel like this because the abuse happened to your partner, and not to you, so if anyone should feel upset about all this it's him. Just remember that it's okay for you to feel uncomfortable or unhappy about something. If you feel able I'd talk to your partner about this and acknowledge that, whilst he's obviously the party that has been most impacted here, you love him and have had to come to terms with the fact that he suffered terribly when he was younger, and his parents were effectively bystanders. Because of this you're feeling uncomfortable about them staying over, and this is further complicated because you have a daughter who you naturally feel very protective over.

Sending hugs OP, this can't be easy for you, but just know that the vast majority of people would likely feel exactly how you do in this situation.

I am surprised you all still have any relationship with them. Who keeps sending an child to be with an abuser who they know is abusing for fucking child care? They would be complicit legally and could face charges for that! Mi do t think you owe your DD any relationship with them. You’ll find other adults to have that relationship.

but no to them coming for 3 days. They can stay in a hotel and visit at set times

Seems a strange dynamic that the mum did not have all the information or know what was going on yet the dad did.

Fair enough you don't like FIL (I wouldnt have much respect for either of them) and absolutely don't think either should ever be trusted with dd after failing to protect their own son. But if your dh wants a relationship with them then I would follow his lead. He is the victim of the abuse, it is his parents so I think he should be the priority (after dds safety but seems you are both on the same page with that).

I would set that boundary. Tell dh that you understand he wants this relationship, that you yourself don't want that kind of relationship and you're not happy having them stay. It's impossible to compare the difference between sets of parents due to their behaviour

Your husband told his parents about being sexually abused, and then they knowingly and willingly let the paedophile provide childcare. they gave their child to a paedophile
Keep these people away from your child, jfc, anything else would be insanity.

Do they live a long way away from you OP? Why the need to stay for 3 nights?

Bit rude of them to tell you they're coming to stay. Were they invited?

I would say they can visit but you do not want them to stay. As much to protect your husband as your DD. If he is traumatised by them - and he must be - he will not be comfortable with them in his space either. It will be too hard for all of you especially if they haven't spent this amount ofbtime with you previously.
You are not wrong to put your foot down to exclude an abuser or a supporter of abuse from your safe space.

Your DH is going to need you to help with his parents. He is vulnerable and given the past abuse and his continued relationship you are going to have to be the assertive one. I wouldn’t trust these people around my DC. It doesn’t sit comfortably with me that they didn’t protect their own DC. You can however protect yours. The fact they simply advised you both they were coming to stay for 3 nights is another example of their behaviours and shouldn’t be tolerated. So if I was you I wouldn’t be looking for excuses . The answer is no. They are not staying in my home and if they wish to visit they can stay in a hotel and plan a time where you can go and see them away from your home

I'm sorry but I would want absolutely no relationship whatsoever with such parents. But I cant judge your DH for wanting to try. To each their own!

So just to follow up the peadophile wasn't the provider of childcare but the provider of child care allowed access to the paedophile.
My husband disclosed the details to his dad who didn't do anything other than say he didn't want his children alone with the perpetrator again... this then went on to continue to happen and allowed the abuse to continue.
It's a very difficult situation, last night my husband was very upset that as he sees it he's done nothing wrong (which of course he hasn't) but that he still is having to deal with it all when he just wants it behind him. The one thing we are absolutely on the same page about is the fact they will never have unsupervised access to our DD as I cannot trust their judgement and feel so despairing that my husband wasn't supported and the abuse stopped than and there. As well as which they don't accept they did anything wrong saying how were they supposed to know it would happen again.
I agree them inviting themselves is also just odd and inappropriate, they live 3 hours away.
My husband wants his mum to be a grandparent and his mum and dad come very much as a package.
I am feeling sad about it all today.