4-5 year + age gap between siblings... pros & cons please

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There will be at least 4-5 years between them if we do and I wondered is this too big of a gap from the children to benefit from each other/benefit from having a sibling? I always wanted a smaller age gap but haven't been ready./sure about a second child.

What are your experiences?

I think there’s pros and cons to all age gaps. I’d not over think it. I’m 6 years younger than one of my DBs and 9 years younger than my oldest DB. The only difficulty for my DPs was finding things we would all enjoy when we went out. There was a lot of compromise and I remember sitting through films that I was too young to understand and found boring. But other than that we have always got on really well and have always been very close . I don’t think of the age gap between us as adults except they were the first to leave school, home, have partners, families etc. i do remember feeling very lost and lonely when my youngest DB left to go to uni though.

Hi op I've got a 5 year ago between mine . The pros were that as my first child was in school it gave me the day with the baby where I didn't have to worry about the older child feeling left out ,and then when they got home I could give them lots of attention whilst including the younger one . The con was it meant going back to the beginning when we'd got rid of baby gates etc .

4.5 years gap here, now 8 and 3.5. It's mostly fine but you could probably say that about any gap.

DD started school when DS was about 8wks so I could spend time with him like I did with her. DD was always quite grown up but even at 4ish she understood that sometimes DS had to be sorted out first. She was very good at waggling toys in his face when he was little, and he found (finds!) her endlessly fascinating and wanted to copy her. He still does, which is mostly fine but sometimes frustrating (eg. we went to a theme park and he wanted to go on a big ride with her but was too young, and he lost it!).

They play together quite often, and DS is finally starting to be able to follow DD's complicated rules and instructions. She'll also play things he likes (cars, shops, play food) without getting bored after two seconds like me! They do argue all the time (mostly DD losing her rag when DS won't get out of her face, we're working on it!) but miss each other terribly if they're apart for too long.

I have over 10 years between mine and struggle to find any positives. It seems to me that the smaller the gap the better long term.

3 1/2 years between mine.
Should have had them closer together. By the time ds1 went to school, he couldn't wait to get away from his toddler brother..
They fought all through childhood, literally avoided each other as much as possible.
Honestly though, now they are adults they get on great

6 year gap between my two DD's. I think it is perfect. The older one was very proactive looking after younger. Hand me downs were easier, as well grown out of, put away, before re-using. One in school whilst second was a baby, easier to handle.

Most importantly, and no-one ever thinks about this, but look at the Higher Ed boards, and it is a real issue for some. DD1 was finished and out of Uni and working, therefore self sufficient, before it was DD2's turn at Uni. So we didn't have to fund both at the same time. If you have children close together, start saving now!!

Ooooh, ooooh, thought about a con, but a really random one. My three brothers are 13 years, 17 years and 20 years older than me. They are now mid 70's, and really, really, very different to me in generation. Those are very big gaps though.

Assume this is more to do with personalities rather than the gap. 3.5 years isn't a lot in the grand scheme of it all.

It’s a nice gap, we found there was less jealousy from the older one than my friends who had 2 year gaps. But obviously a very small sample size

Very true.

Three year gap - a lot of sibling rivalry. But now at 20 and 23 they get on very well.

6 year age gap - it's absolutely crap to be honest, like having 2 only children.

I have a 5 year gap. There are loads of practical pros. My 5 yo was pretty sensible and independent so I didn't find juggling him and a newborn overly challenging. My eldest was good as helping me fetch stuff like nappies, wipes etc.. and enjoyed the responsibility of being my 'helper'. Now my youngest is a toddler and my eldest is really good at being an extra pair of eyes and hands. Obviously I don't give him any serious responsibilities, but it's still helpful when he spots she's about to grab something she shouldn't before I do!

The cons are mainly that they clash over her being a typical toddler and trying to grab everything in sight and my eldest finds this really annoying when it's his toys. He always thinks she's purposely trying to upset him and he can get really cross / upset with her. He also remembers what life was like pre baby and I'm often told it was better! 😬

In terms of playing together, I think most children play with whoever is available, and that's true of my two. Despite the gap and the fact one can talk and the other can't yet, they manage to play and keep each other occupied. Not all the time, but certainly every day they'll have some fun together and that's lovely to see but also takes the pressure off too because they're company for each other.

Overall it's been a good gap for me from a parenting perspective. I haven't found it too hard going for one to two. I also think a lot of the friction we currently get, will lesson as my youngest gets a bit older and is better at recognising boundaries and consequences (basically stops touching and destroying her brother's stuff!!!)🤞🏻🤞🏻

5.5 years here. The older one can read to the younger one, and push him on the swing. They like to chase each other around the house and leap off my sofa. They're adorable together. The toddler does screech if the older one has something he wants though...

We've got a 4.5 year gap, for exactly the reason you're thinking about it. We were unsure about having a second, but eventually decided to stop thinking about it and just get on with it.

When we had DD2, I was worried that we had used up all our luck with DD1 as she was a really easy baby. DD2 turned out to be even easier. Than DD1. My maternity leave came at a great time - it covered DD1 starting school, so I was able to be around a bit more. We didn't ever have 2 sets of full time childcare costs.

My DDs are now 11 and 7. They have fairly recently started to play together on things like Minecraft, but otherwise don't play together a great deal. It means we try to have friends over to entertain each of them. Maybe that is different if you have a smaller age gap, but equally they don't squabble too much.

I also find that they need quite different things or we have to do something with DD1 and then do it again a few years later for DD2. That's beginning to get expensive and still isn't exactly fair as DD2 gets to do things twice.

I think DD2 has had to fight a bit to find her place in an otherwise established family and I sometimes feel that I don't know her as well as I know DD1. I'm not sure if that's just because I've know DD1 for longer of they are just quite different children and DD2 is a bit more private.

I think DD2 will have a particular good time when DD1 goes to university - that was my favourite time of my childhood as a second child.

A larger age gap stretches out the time you have a cute child for, before they grow out of the cute stage.

For my DDs it's been quite useful for DD2 to not be close to DD1 at school. My DD2 is lovely, but trickier to teach than DD1, who seems to have been a dream pupil at primary school. I think DD2 would be a bit in DD1's shadow if they were closer in age. Though I think teachers are more sensitive than they were when I was young and probably wouldn't compare siblings openly.

Some people might say it's like having 2 only children. I quite liked having one only child, so I don't mind having 2 only children, when it feels like that.

I've always said that the best age gap is the one you've got. Partly because you wouldn't otherwise have the children you've got, but also because there's not much point thinking otherwise.

My sister is 4.5 years older than me. We played together until I was about 6 or 7, at which point she was moving into pre-teen and I became distinctly uncool and annoying to her. She proceeded to torment me (lots of teasing, ignoring, etc) until she left home when I was about 13. We really hated each other during that period and fought endlessly. But that could be as much about personality types and some not particularly good parenting from my DPs than about age gap.

However, we ended up becoming really close once I was an adult (in my early 20s) to the point that we chose to live together for a while. We're still really close now, despite living in different countries. So it all worked out ok in the end!

DH and his sister are 2.5 years apart and rubbed along ok as kids, got on quite well as teens/ young adults but aren't at all close now. So a small age gap doesn't guarantee they'll get on or be close as they grow up!

Slightly different perspective. 4 years between my oldest brother and me and 4 years between my youngest brother and me.

We all managed to play together, sometimes we fought (usually over ridiculous things). Very close to my younger sibling and we played a lot as children. Oldest brother definitely bossed us about and had authority over us (parents had a great baby sitter at one stage). All close as adults.

Also think it must have nice for my mum as when she had one baby the older one started school so she had one on one with all of us.

I sometimes think it’s more to do with personality than age gaps. If your going to play and get along you will regardless of age (unless it’s a huge gap). I know plenty of people with children close in age who are not close and don’t play.

5 between my 2! Love it it's been great a really enjoyable experience actually and nice having time with baby while older one is at school mine are 2 and 7 now and starting to play together and have a lovely bond DC1 is very protective

I have 18, 16 and 9 year olds. (Miscarriage in between dc2 and dc3.

it’s been great. I found 2 pre schoolers tricky, could not have had dc3 after 2 year gap.

dc2 and 3 are same gender and were very close for first 6 years of dc3’s life. As dc2 moved through teens, they have grown closer to oldest sibling, as both have GCSEs/ a levels, music tastes, tv viewing in common. Dc3 suddenly becoming more of an only child in a way… but she likes it. She has got us to herself, or we invite a friend to go with her.

I think we agonise about gaps a lot more than previous generations.

There’s a little under 5 years between my two and it’s been great so far (DC2 is only 4 months).

Pros:

• DC1 started school in September, so I got time to myself in the day when I started mat leave, and DC2 gets similar amounts of 1 on 1 time as DC1 got. I’ve also been on Mat leave for the majority of her first school year so able to have quality time with her over school holidays etc.


• better financially - we had time to save up again for the second maternity leave, only one in nursery at a time, unlikely to both be at uni at the same time.


• DC1 is old enough to help with the baby e.g. passing an emergency muslin, comforting DC2 if they start crying when I’m in the middle of something


• ive found having to get up for the school run has been brilliant at getting us into a routine, much better than with my first when I often wasn’t dressed until almost lunchtime.


• DC1 was a terrible sleeper until she started school. Might have killed me if I’d had a newborn before she improved.


• I had a c section and didn’t need to worry about DC1 jumping on me. She doesn’t need picked up and was old enough to understand she had to be careful of my tummy.


• going back to the baby days has been a bit difficult as DC1 was just starting to get easier.


• managing bedtime is hard (though that probably applies with any gap)


• I’m not sure how well they’ll play together once DC2 is older. I have 4 and 5 years between me and my siblings and we played ok sometimes but also argued a lot. We are close as adults though.

5 years between my girls and it's been fine so far. Youngest is only one but already seems more laid back and easy going than her highly strung older sister!

The hardest part was going back to the baby stage that was a shock to the system!

I can imagine when they get older it will be tough in the teenage years but I agree with others it's more down to personality.

My sister’s 4 years younger than me, I more or less ignored her when we were kids but we’re really close as adults. I think that’s quite common.

I despised and still as an adult loathe having a sibling 9.5 years younger so I fully understand how you feel.

6 years between mine ds1 is 11 & ds2 is 4. It can be hard finding days out to occupy both and is sometimes feels like ds2 has missed out on doing activities as ds1 is established with the sports he takes part in (although the pandemic didn’t help with this). Ds1 also gets quite anxious when ds2 is ill or upset. However they adore each other they argue but they play with each other and I often find them in the same bed. It has meant that DS1 has clung onto his childhood that bit longer he has a good excuse to play with Lego and run around soft play and when his friends come round they all make a fuss of ds2. Ds2 however is turning into a nightmare with all the attention he gets from them all 🙄.

I have a 4.5 year age gap. It's not too big. I thought it would be but it's perfect for them to play together but eldest is old enough to be well aware they are bigger and need to be kind/ forgiving/ helpful to youngest.