Child will not leave my daughter alone

[Kb20201]

This is going to sound awful as kids are kids right. My child started reception and had many friends, she played in a group happily. After a couple of months a new girl started, they played alone together, only for a while as then there was lock down.

In year one, my daughter said to me she wasn't allowed to have friends because this child would be come unhappy and storm off sulking. I later found out she had told other children they couldn't play with my daughter. This kid would also sulk because my child wasn't staying close to her, waiting for at the gate after school, or playing with another child, the list goes on... on another occasion we had covid which resulting in us having to stay at home for 20days, I got a long msg from the parent telling me how upset her daughter was that my child wasn't in school and how it's impacting her behaviour ( I thought to myself that's a bit much)

Year 2 starts; with all these incidents in mind and my child feeling unhappy and restricted, I advised her if she wants to play with other children she should (not leaving this other child out) and she should not chase the girl to console her, but just get on with whatever she wants to do.

At first it was fine, now there are constant strops from this child because my daughter is doing as she wants, she is dictating to my child who her PE partners can be, saying mean things to other children who play with my daughter. Tuesday it seems to have escalated, where she has threw a rope at my daughter and her friend because they didn't want to play her game. I've informed the teacher of all what has gone on, and asked her to look into the this throwing incident as its crossed the line! The child was advised to stay away from my daughter for a week, that it was unacceptable etc. My daughter was really excited she was going to get some space finally after over 2 years, the next day she is following her round and asking to play with her again, when she was told to stay away! This child is making my daughter so unhappy and I don't know what to do. She is just a child, I feel for her but my daughter has to come first.

It seems the mother thinks they are besties but my daughter can't stand her. The parents are separated the mother sends lists of dates for playdates and i politely decline saying I'm busy. Then my partner gets a list of dates for playdates from the father. Its all too much.

What do I do

I would keep all discussions between you and the school. Don't respond to the parents other than to say, no thank you, daughter will not be coming on play dates for the foreseeable future.

With the school, I'd write a polite email to the teacher, explaining that being told to stay away from your daughter has not been effective, detail the impact of this girls behaviour on your daughter and ask them what they are going to do next to allow your daughter to attend school in peace. You might also want to check out the schools behaviour and bullying policies as they will explain what the school should be doing in this case.

Carry on discussions between you and the school only, don't involve the other child's family.
Continue to install confidence in your daughter by reassuring her that she has the right to play with whoever she likes, and whether the other girl is sad about this, or not, is not her responsibility.
I would add though, that while bringing up my daughter I made this point. You are under no obligation to be friends with someone you don't get on with, or whose behaviour you find difficult, however, you shouldn't try to involve other children in your choice of friendships, so no trying to persuade others that they can't socialise with this child or speaking badly about them. This would put you in the wrong.
Obviously this will be age dependent, but I think that giving them the all clear to sometimes put their own feelings first, especially in situations like yours, rather than worrying about upsetting others is an important message, and this in no means equals bullying.

I’d be honest with the parents and tell them that they don’t actually get on. Tell them how it’s affecting your child and how unhappy she is.

As for the school I’d ask them to treat it the same way they’d treat bullying - which with the name calling and rope throwing it appears that bullying is the correct name for it.

As an adult I’ve had ‘friendships’ where I’ve been smothered. I can’t even begin to imagine how distressing your daughter finds this.

This happened to my son. I'll call the other boy S.

In y3 my son told me about S's behaviour so I went to school to discuss with them. S was his best friend since y1.

The class teacher had actually asked my son to look out for S and play with him etc and my son felt terrible guilt and dread over this because he wanted to be seen as good but also wanted the freedom to play with whoever. I told the teacher what S had been saying and doing and asked that they were never partnered in class. The school agreed.

I told my son that it was ok not to play with S and not to play with S any more. If he approached my son then I told him to play with someone else. Playing with S just gave him more excuse to be possessive and while it didn't feel natural for ds to say no to him, it had to be done.

S eventually got counselling and social skills support and made new friends. A couple of school years after I had to ask the school for help, my son and him started to play together. They were never best friends again but he didn't show possessive behaviour any more. Both boys were happier which is the best ending possible.

You and your h need to block the mum and only go through the school with regards to this problem. It's not acceptable that your dd is made to feel so stressed. It's not acceptable that the school think a week's break is enough. This is not a little tiff, it's going to take a while to sort it especially as the school aren't coming up with a solution for playtimes too. The school can help the other child and have a responsibility to help them.

How does not playing with the girl but not leaving her out work in practice? If I was your dd I'd find that hard because she has to say yes if the girl wants to play too and the other girls probably leave the game when they see her behaviour escalate.

I have almost the same situation OP. It's really tough. I talk to the school (never the parents) and they try and keep them apart as much as possible.

I've coached my DD to say, no thank you I don't want to when the other girl tries to pressure her to play / tries to force into DDs games.

But really the school will be key in helping to resolve I think.

I'm going through similar with my DD too op , it's tough. The girl involved has been DDs friend since they were 3 but they were apart over Covid and in different classes. They're back together this year and it's been terrible . Sulking , tantrums etc because DD wants to play with others . My DD encourages (as does the others kids ) the girl to play with them but she refuses because she wants DD to her self . My DD turned into an anxious mess . The girl was telling fibs to her mum saying DD was being nasty and the mum kept approaching me asking what's going on and I've had to be truthful . Her mum luckily is very nice and supportive and is trying to get her DD some help with feelings and others things . In your case , as you don't know the mum as well, I'd keep on with the school.

I would respond to the playmate lists with "I'm sorry dd does not want to have a playdate with X" and leave it at that. Saying you're busy is not getting through. If they keep on then block them both.

I would however get onto school as others have said citing the bullying policy and ask that they support your daughter. You do not want to be in a situation where you end up with a school refuser at an early age because of a kid who thinks she's entitled to dds time. (Been there it was a nightmare).

Thank you so much for your responses. I feel much better knowing I'm not over reacting. I have to say the mother seems nice, I don't think she realises, I'm sure her daughter tells her my daughter is leaving her out. Kids hey! 🙄