Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Am I a bad parent?

15 replies

robertcapa · 10/01/2008 11:23

I'm not prone to post on here but this morning I feel terrible and just need some feedback.

Last night the little guy - 8 weeks - refused to sleep (after a day of not sleeping) and I kind of fell to pieces. First I tried to calm him as bet I could to tbe point of sleep, but then I went into the spare room and screamed into a pillow.

Now I'm racked with guilt that I'm a bad parent and that I can't cope. Is any of this normal behaviour, has anyone else been there? I love him to pieces and want to be the best dad I can be but I'm worried that my best just isn't good enough.

Has anyone got any tips they could share with me? I love both him and my wife to pieces but want to be a strong man for them both and not someone who has to walk away when it gets tough.

Thanks

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

notjustmom · 10/01/2008 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nimnom · 10/01/2008 11:32

This sounds like totally normal behaviour to me. I still have to go into the bathroom to have a scream and mine are 2 and 5 !!
Those first few weeks really are so hard and unpredictable and I'm sure if you ask your wife she is probably feeling exactly the same.
Today is a new day and believe me with each new day it will get easier.

Caribbeanqueen · 10/01/2008 11:33

No you are not a bad parent, you are a human being! It's early days and it's bloody hard work.

You went into the spare room and screamed into a pillow - you didn't stand and scream at your baby.

You came on here and asked for advice. You say you love your son and your wife.

You sound like a great husband and father. You have to let out your tensions/frustrations somewhere.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

GreenGlassGoblin · 10/01/2008 11:34

Nah, not bad at all. I remember my DH, the gentlest man in the world, hitting the wall a couple of times when DS was tiny. Really thumping it! Hurt his hand and didn't make him feel any better, and startled the life out of me, but just goes to show how much stress there is in the first weeks and months. DH is a brilliant dad (just ask our son!) and says everything got easier for him as DS got bigger and more toddler like. I think a lot of people (and specially a lot of blokes) feel the same way. You are normal, normal, normal and I'm sure you'll be a great dad!

claricebeansmum · 10/01/2008 11:35

Notjustmom said the right thing - this is only a stage and believe me by the time you get to early teens this will seem like a walk in the park!

You did absolutely the right thing to walk away from him when you found it too much.

We had two "screamers" with sleeping issues and it used to drive DH and I both to places I never knew you could get to. Remember that your like has just been turned upside down by the arrival of your LO - I am guessing you are not getting enough sleep and trying to carry on as normal at work etc. It is a tough time. DH is not a man prone to anger but I do remember him shouting at DD at about 8 weeks in pure frustration that she would not sleep.

It is absolutely OK to put your LO somewhere safe - in his moses basket/cot and walk away to collect yourself. Taking 5 is absolutely fine and if the pillow gets the brunt of it - so be it!

psychomum5 · 10/01/2008 11:36

actually.....finding things tough is completely normal.....and finding the strength to walk away and scream into a pillow is very strong.

others in your situation may have smacked their babies, or even shaken them!!!!

I am a mum of 5, and I get driven bonkers at times......if I don't wlak away, then my kiddies would have been seriously hurt by now.......it truly is hard hard hard at times, especially when they are tiny and you are sleep deprived.

I think you deserve a big 'well done' for leaving him safely and going away to scream.

really......

RoRoMommy · 10/01/2008 11:36

Completely agree with CarribeanQueen. You sound like a great husband and father, and having just gone through the early days with the first (ours is now 9 months), I can tell you two things for sure: it does get easier, and what you're going through is completely normal. Lack of sleep does crazy things to people. Just get any help you can, any sleep you can, and take things day by day.

Good luck!

psychomum5 · 10/01/2008 11:39

and my DH will tell you the same....altho he will add too that at times it is ME that he is escaping.

tis so very hard when they are small.......there is no reasoning with them (not that there is when they are older, as children are notoriously self centered), but at least when they are older, they can be bribed encouraged to leave you alone for a short time!

lennygrrl · 10/01/2008 11:42

Message withdrawn

Original poster

robertcapa · 10/01/2008 11:42

Thank you for your messages, it means a lot so thank you, thank you, thank you.

On the plus side I feel like something has been lifted from me and I'm not a hideous monster of a man who should be kept miles from the nearest child.

On the downside, I almost cried when I read them - emotion from it all, lack of sleep from last night - and I'm at work!!!

Seriously, thank you though, I know it's hard with babies but I never thought I'd be the guy I am.

I think if anything it just makes me resolve to try and be even stronger to support the two loves of my life.....oh, and the tears are welling again!

OP posts:

claricebeansmum · 10/01/2008 11:46

LOL lennygrrl
Absolutely true! We parents can be deluded about who is in charge

notjustmom · 10/01/2008 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

psychomum5 · 10/01/2008 11:50

loving lennygirls comment on baby boot camp. and "it is all going to your sons master plan".

I truly think my children have a 'master plan' at times, and it in no way resemble MY master plan I had whe they were born!!!

ernest · 10/01/2008 12:12

when ds1 was born I was full of determination to be best parent ever. He'd sleep by my bed and be in with us for the 1st year was a real, bug and genuine ambition.

At 5 weeks old dh was on business trip for the week. I was all alone. Ds would not stop crying one night. He wouldn't settle. He was clearly over tired. Screaming constantly. I really thought I was going to kill him or myself. I took him to his ( as yet unused) nursery, gently placed him in his cot and went back to my bed and put a pillow over my head to drown out the sound of his screams and wept.

ABout 5 minutes later I realised he'd fallen asleep. After all those hours screaming.

From that day on he slept in his own room.

And I learnt a few valuable lessons
-things don't always go according to plan /need to be flexible .

sometimes actually doing something is the worst thing to do. SOmetimes the baby just needs peace and quiet and space too.
parenting was bloody difficult.
I was truly shocked that I could feel and anger towards my much loved precious new born son.
I learnt when to step back
I was never going to get the mother of the year award.

so don't feel bad. welcome to the club of being a normal parent.

Ineedaholiday · 10/01/2008 14:03

your normal, who hasnt kicked the wall, cried in the pillow, screamed out of pure frustration. I still do it and my eldest is 10.
Its better to walk away than let your anger out in front of the baby.
You sound like a great dad.

Flip