Me and DP can’t stop arguing

[tiredsadexhausted]

DS is 4 months old.

me and DP since like 2.5 months have argued on and off loads

i keep thinking it’s normal - sleep deprivation and major life event - our baby

But will it stop? I’m so sad I miss us where we didn’t argue. I love him and I’ve asked does he still want me. He says of course he does

but I’m just sad it does get better doesn’t jt

The best advice I've heard is to remember it's you and your dp against the problem, not you against each other. What are you arguing about? Is there a common theme?

@Keladrythesaviour Yeah there’s common themes. So one thing is I don’t feel loved or supported enough , his counter argument is that he’s doing his best and tries to provide for us

Another issue is family. I don’t want his mother taking care of the baby overnight as I’ve seen her with him and she doesn’t know how to settle him, she constantly tries to shush him with a dummy (when he’s just babbling??) or overfeed him so he’ll nap? (Even when he’s not ready)

the thought of leaving my baby with her overnight when she clearly doesn’t seem to want the hard work unsettled me but DP is annoyed that I won’t let this happen and says I’m being weird with his family all the time

it does feel like we’re going round in circles

PS the problem I have of not feeling loved and supported only started post baby. This hasn’t happened pre baby

and of course the issue of his mother taking care of DS only arose post baby

I think it's important to sit down and discuss these issues when you're not angry and it hasn't crept up you.
Regarding his MiL you could either go in with a blanket "no, I don't want our son doing over night stays until at least a year old" and he has to like it or lump it. Or you can appreciate that people handle babies differently, it's not necessarily bad just because it's not how you do it. You could give it a try and see how everyone gets on. Have you raised the specific concerns you have?

Regarding not feeling loved or supported, I think you have to try and work out if that's hormones talking, or if you can see valid discrepancies. Are there practical things you would like to see him do that he currently isn't?

@Keladrythesaviour yeah it’s hard any time I try to approach it at the moment he’s angry and we argue

yeah he said I have to get over the fact people are different with babies but if it’s my son how can I just ignore her doing stuff I clearly don’t agree with? She mentioned baby rice in a bottle too (he doesn’t sleep throguh) and I felt sick thinking if I left him with her she’d do that

DP said she’s had 3 kids she knows what she’s doing but if I’m honest all of her 3 kids are affected in different ways which I feel was a result of child hood issues? That’s a different topic

and regarding the love I am finding it hard to pinpoint that. Am I just tired and emotional or does he genuinely not love me

he isn’t very touchy feely or doesn’t express his love often so I guess it’s that. I feel it’s because we’ve been together a while so he just assumes I know. He says he clearly loves me and he thinks he shows it but apparently I’m needy

Sorry to read you're going through this. Arguing in the early stages is absolutely normal - lack of sleep has a terrible effect on people's mood and mental health, and combined with the newfound huge responsibility and feelings of guilt new parents can have, and the fact that you have to sacrifice 'couple time', it's just a phase you have to battle through.

The advice to see both of you as part of the same team is really good. And on this specific issue, I think you're within your right to tell your MIL you don't want her to feed your baby anything you're not comfortable with. But in the long term, there will be other issues, so the most important thing is to try to give each other a bit more understanding if you can, cut each other a bit of slack, and make sure you discuss anything that's bothering you openly and as non confrontationally (is that a word?) as possible. This phase will pass!

he needs to cease the anger thing, it doesn’t work for functioning adults, and he needs to educate himself on basic child development and why exactly no one will be putting ‘baby rice’ in to your infant, bottle or not.

mmm, arguing and struggling in the beginning is normal - having a baby is a huge stress for a relationship. But.... it does sound like he's trying to get you to do things with your baby you're not comfortable with. It's entirely reasonable not to want your baby to be away from you overnight at this age. And certainly, the baby rice thing is a concern - guidelines these days are not to give ny solids at all until at least 5 months. If your MIL isn't going to respect your decisions, then I would also be hesitant. It's one thing to agree that MIL might do things a bit differently to you, completely another for her to specifically go against things you feel strongly about. Especially when baby is so young. It's easier to let some of these things go with baby is a bit older.

As for the not feeling loved and supported, this depends entirely on what you're talking about. He says he's providing for you - does that mean he's not helping with the baby much? In which case, I would imagine that doesn't feel great.

he’s a bit annoyed because my mother has had DS for occasions. But my mother respects our parenting and follows what boundaries we set

Yeah I don’t feel I get too much help with the baby. He recently has gotten overwhelmed when DS screams/needs settling etc as he settles better for me

just reading this…because we argue too unfortunately :( my daughter is almost 3 to and I wouldnt even think of leaving her anywhere overnight until she is the age she can ask me herself if she can go somwhere for a sleepover. Yes, it means we are never 100% alone at night but we made a choice of having LO and I am sleeping peacefully knowing I can attend to my DD when she calls for mom at night…