Age gap - 3.5 years or 4.5 years

[YellsiBabs]

We have a beautiful 2.5 yr old & starting to discuss TTC for no2. I’m excited by this but there are a few reasons why now is not the best time… I’m new in a job, we’re outgrowing our current house, etc.

I’m 34 yo and trying to decide if we should go for it now, or give it another year.

I’m sure bath age differences have their pro’s & con’s, just looking for advice from anyone that has these approx ages gaps between their DC and what they’re experiences have been.

We were very lucky to conceive v quick first time round but I was 30 compared to the 34/35 yo I will next time round - which does make me a bit nervous and think perhaps we should just get on with it and worry about the practicalities (house, work, etc) later! But then I can’t say I do currently feel 100% ready either …. Argh just feel a bit lost and don’t feel like time’s on my side :-/

IME, all families are different, and we all muddle along the best we can, with what we have. Personally, I would not get too hung up on the social pressures of trying to have everything 'just so', but I would, of course, consider the impact on the job.

But not to the detriment of the family that DH and I wanted.

I have 5 years between mine and it's fine, I wanted a smaller gap but it didn't pan out that way and took a lot longer to conceive. I used to obsess about age gaps a little bit when I was pregnant but now I realise it doesn't matter much, you get along fine with whatever you have!

I have a 3 year age gap between my two children and with hindsight I think a bigger age gap would have been better (Obviously different for everyone but I convinced first month of TTC both times aged 35 and 38)

We had secondary infertility so ended up with 5, wanted 3. It’s lovely. I’m sure 3 would have been lovely too, or 4. If you know you want another then id just go for it. It will work whatever. Also IME, you never feel ready!

Maybe consider practical stuff? Will dc1 be at nursery half days or full time? Better to wait until reception age and have some time at home with just the baby? Does 2 at home ft fill you with dread? I have some small gaps (13 months,15 months, 20 months) and more common gaps 2.9 years. Big gap of 6 years was a shocker going back to sleepless nights!!

There is absolutely no right and wrong here. I had a two and a half year age gap with my first two and then when their sister arrived they were six and almost four and it was great. So much easier with them being that bit older.

@Floofyfoofy Sorry to hear that, it worries me tbh. Glad you got your DC2 x

@Maydaysoonenough DC1 already in preschool and will go longer days when they turn 3 & qualify for the funded hours. They’re already 2 years 8 months so even if I conceived today there wouldn’t be a close gap in age.

Thanks everyone. I feel broody but also scared (way more than 1st time round, weirdly!) and just have a huge sense of feeling a bit lost and not having sussed out the “life plan”

To add to my last post, I always imagined a 2-2.5 year gap but honestly I just didn’t feel the need for another so soon and I feel like we lost 2 years of our lives to the pandemic, plus time just goes so bloody fast!!!

We never even thought about the 'right' age gap. Just decided to start trying DC2 and when it happened, it happened.
You may be thinking about a certain age gap but there are no guarantees. It may be a 5 year gap, or more!
It really doesn't make any difference, you just get on with what you've got.

We have a 3 year gap and it's been fab. I was lucky enough to conceive quickly both times, and panicked slightly second time that I wasn't ready to do it again. I'd be on the side of 'go for it now' but sounds like you have some reasons not to.

Separately I think it can be nice to be on mat leave when your child is in Reception, so 4.5 years would work for that.

I have 4 year gaps and it worked out great got one on one time with the baby whilst other one at nursery . Also 4 year olds are more likely to not get as tired walking so no need for a buggy board.

As you say, pros and cons to both. We have roughly 3.5 yrs between our two, took us about 4 months to conceive. It can be super challenging sometimes, but that's definitely in part due to my eldest's personality tbh, I mean she was a challenge before we had DC2...also she only goes to nursery 2 days a week at the moment, and I don't have any additional support with looking after them, so that makes it trickier than some others I know whose elder child is in nursery 3-5 days a week and/or have family members regularly looking after them etc. I have them both alone 3 days a week and there have been utterly grim days tbh, but of course lots of lovely moments too. Again it would have been easier if I'd had an easier baby who actually napped like newborns usually do rather than one who hardly naps...and it would have been easier if I'd have bottle fed too tbh but obviously that's a choice I made. My eldest absolutely adores the baby though since the day we brought him home, they have a beautiful bond already. Sometimes I can't get the baby to stop crying and she manages to make him full on belly laugh within minutes, it's really magical. Overall am happy with the age gap I suppose but for various reasons we couldn't have a smaller one, so it was just a choice between this and a bigger one. Pros and cons to all age gaps though. For example I don't get much time just with baby as only have two days a week where it's just us, but other people who have their eldest in nursery more will have more. We can't afford more nursery for her though atm so not an option for me and also I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible really too given I've been working 4 days a week since she was 9 months old until my mat leave started.

Given that your eldest will be verbal, toilet trained and more independent in both scenarios I would pick the smaller age gap of the 2. It’s difficult with 4+yrs with activities and toys and tv- the closer you can cope with the better.

l had an almost 4 yr age gap and it worked out very well, my two have always got on , zero jealousy when second one was born and they are both older teenagers now but very close.

I can only comment on my experience with 4.5 year gap (2 boys). (We planned for 3.5 years but had a MC. So it goes without saying you can't control what will actually happen. You could wait for a 4.5 gap and not get pg).

Our experience of 4.5 has been extremely positive. DS1 was mature enough not to feel threatened or jealous. He was (and still is) the 'older one', which affords him different treatment in some areas (bedtime, pocket money, gaming). DS2 totally accepts this.

We're lucky they get on most of the time. They make up games together and make each other laugh. They're currently 11 and 6 - I think it will change soon when DS1 gets into teen stuff and DS2 is still very young.

Forgot to say DS1 started school just after DS2 born which was great for his status as big boy. Also meant I got lots of time alone with DS2.

If you have fertility question marks then my advice would be come off contraception 9 months before the absolute earliest point it wouldn't be a disaster, and see what happens. For DC3 we never went back onto contraception after DS2 and they were born three years apart. I found it quite freeing in a way not to actively make the decision about the gap size - I had a window I was happy with (10 months to 4 years) and if I hadn't been pregnant by the time DS2 was about three and a half then I would have gone back on contraception and said forget it, because I knew that I wanted to move on from the little baby/child stage at some point, and not have a massive age gap again (we had one between DC1 and 2 and I specifically wanted a small one.)

That's not to say I felt ready for another baby when DS2 was a month or two old! And not when he was 1 or just 2 either. I am not even really sure I jumped for joy when I got pregnant, but it worked out brilliantly.

We also never did any hardcore "trying" between DC2 and 3 which was nice. That kind of thing can be stressful at the best of times, not to mention when it doesn't work. It was also better for my mental health to be away from the contraception boards and people saying "We've been trying for 2 cycles and I'm not pregnant yet, is something wrong?!" which I know (I know I know) is just a counter to the constant bombardment of "Don't get pregnant!!" messages we give young people but does drive you slightly crazy if you're outside the norm - even with normal fertility there's about the same chance it will take up to 8 months as there is that you'll conceive first time. But most people can set a window of around a year and aim for that window and it is likely to happen at some point within it.

Also OP on the fertility thing I became pregnant quite literally on our first try with DS and I was 38. I then had my third when I was almost 43 and she was unplanned and a surprise so if you are otherwise fit and healthy I wouldn't be too worried

@SecondhandTable I smiled reading this, so sweet!

Lots of really helpful points, thank you!

I am not on contraception, just avoid sex on fertile days (absolutely not foolproof I know but it’s never bothered me as I breastfed for a long time so periods didn’t really return until about 15 months pp, plus we do definitely want DC2 so it really wouldn’t be the end of the world if I got pregnant - probably a happy surprise tbh)

Think I am just getting hung up on everything being “just right” for number 2 - which is odd because we were literally living in a building site when I fell with DC1 and it all worked out fine.

My toddler seems so big now, it’s one of those “where did my baby go?” plus literally everyone is asking us when we’re having another (annoying!)

plus the inevitable pressure of the ticking clock which I had no worry over the first time round

On a practical note, moving before your eldest starts school is easier than moving and potentially changing schools if the new house is more than a couple of miles away.

There's no right or wrong age gap, it's more down to personality and dynamic.