Help! What am I doing wrong?!
I love my kids dearly. They are my entire life and world and I wouldn't be without them but I feel absolutely miserable and like I don't know what I'm doing right now.
I have a 5yo and a 3yo and the constant bickering, fighting and whinging starting at 6am daily is really wearing me down. Meltdowns from my 3yo are intense, screaming, hitting (mostly DH for some reason), throwing things... It's exhausting. He's also not fully potty trained as he refuses to poop on a potty/toilet because he is scared so that leads to accidents and is just frustrating because months down the line we are still doing the one step forward two steps back dance.
5yo is super bright and polite at school and with everyone else but with me it is constant back chat and attitude which is exhausting. He feels very stubborn and argumentative at the moment and, as someone who doesn't like conflict, I hate it. He also has zero patience and will ask for something countless times even when he has been given an answer like "no, not today" or "sure but in X minutes/at Y time". He just cries when he doesn't get what he wants and has now started to tell me that I'm "the worst".
And then they seem to fight physically and bicker all the time. Of course they do play nicely together sometimes and they love each other very much. I absolutely love for those moments but they don't last long and we are right back to breaking up fights. It just feels relentless.
I don't feel like a very good mum right now or as if I am in control of the situation. I do my best to be calm and gentle, explain about feelings, be strict about what behaviour is and isn't okay but I do lose my temper and shout more often than I want to. I hate being that parent. I love my parents dearly but my mum, in particular, had a short temper growing up and her mood could be really hard to read which put me on edge. I don't want this for my kids. I want a happy, fun, safe house but it doesn't feel like that right now.
What am I doing wrong? What can I do to keep my emotions in check when they are pressing every button I have and driving me crazy? How can I be a better mum?