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4 year olds behaviour out of control!!!

14 replies

AFB2022 · 24/04/2022 16:33

My ds (4 next month) is wearing me down to breaking point with his behaviour. From the moment he wakes up he is throwing food/drinks all over the floor, throwing toys around the house and to the dog to chew, emptying wash basket all over the floor, throws stuff constantly over the fence to next doors garden. Screams and tantrums when doesn't get his own way, likes to boss me about and tell ME what to do, won't eat a proper meal. He goes to nursery where he's an angel but on the days he isn't there i have to have him out and about otherwise if in the house he is a complete nightmare. He constantly needs to be entertained otherwise all hell breaks loose. Telling him no, naughty step and reward charts do not work. I just don't know what to do anymore

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TweetTweetMF · 24/04/2022 16:37

Have you tried taking him out on walks to tire/calm him down?

BertieBotts · 24/04/2022 16:40

Can you describe a typical situation where he does something you don't like and how you usually respond?

Is his father in the picture/do you have a partner or are you a single parent?

Any other children? How old and what is their behaviour like?

Perhaps he likes the structure and routine of nursery? Is your home life calm and routined and structured or more chaotic?

ImTheFuckOffCar · 24/04/2022 16:42

Same here. Nursery say they have no concerns but I don’t know what to do. I agree in the most part he probably is NT but nothing I do will improve his behaviour. I’m hoping school will help him to calm down/wear him out.
Roll on September!

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PlasticsFantastic · 24/04/2022 16:46

When weather good I tried to spend a chunk of day on park/out so that not constant picking up after/wiping and cleaning. Eg picnic/ walk/ library
I tried to stick to water to drink as at least it dries.
If you are not working then I tried to go with their lead rather than force them to do my “plan” and lots of distraction and praising the “good” even just “you didn’t throw the cup, you drank it, good job!” I sounded like a tit but they got older and better and now are majority of time pleasant to be around!

AFB2022 · 24/04/2022 17:48

Thank you for the replies. He is an only child so no jealousy issues. He goes out on walks every day with his bike or scooter or we go to soft play etc if the weather is bad. Today for example we have been out since 9.30am at the park and didn't get home until 3.30pm. As soon as we walk in the house he's got hold of my clean washing and thrown it all over the floor then tipped his water bottle up putting water all over. I remove things from him and tell him no which causes tantrums for 10mins then he starts laughing and the behaviour starts again. I spend all day telling him no. He also does not listen when out on our estate on his bike and has twice now just gone straight across the road on his bike luckily not a main road and little side roads but if i tell him to stop he doesn't so i have to chase him and then he thinks its funny and rides off faster laughing

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AgentProvocateur · 24/04/2022 17:51

What consequences do you have for bad behaviour? If he’d crossed the road without waiting when you told him no, I’d have lifted him up and taken him straight home. It sounds like he know he can get away with that behaviour ag home.

ImTheFuckOffCar · 24/04/2022 17:58

It’s really hard because I constantly feel like I’m telling mine off and punishing. It’s soul destroying. For him and me. Punishments don’t work on mine.
Offering a reward for good behaviour has been more successful but again, not all the time. He just doesn’t really care about punishments or rewards.
Plus things like “taking him straight home” when he is naughty is more of a punishment for me.

AFB2022 · 24/04/2022 18:20

@AgentProvocateur i take his things away, not that he cares. Nothing i do makes no difference to his behaviour. When he crossed the road on his bike i made him get straight off it and carrird it home with him screaming blue murder behind me. He's also been told he does not ride the bike on our estate anymore

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lorisparkle · 24/04/2022 18:33

When I was having problems with ds1 I got the book 'calmer easier happier parenting'. It wasn't an easy fix but made a huge difference.

A lot of emphasis on clear expectations and clear consequences. A focus on praising the steps towards the behaviour you want. Only asking them to do something if you are in a position to ensure it happens.

Lots more too but I found I would need to revisit the advice when I was struggling again.

Hugasauras · 24/04/2022 18:33

How To Talk so Little Kids Listen.

I feel like I recommend this on here every day but it really is worth reading/listening to, especially with kids where just 'no' doesn't really work (most of them!).

BertieBotts · 24/04/2022 18:54

This behaviour sounds quite deliberately destructive. I would guess that it's either attention seeking, in which case you might need to make more time to focus directly on him and have positive time together, or he's locked into some kind of "him vs you" mindset - that can be caused if you're constantly doling out punishments but he's not really scared by the punishments, it means that you either need to dial them right up to establish the pecking order (FWIW, I would 100% not recommend this because I think it's outdated and cruel) or you should dial them down, pick battles, and focus more on the positive/encouragement/connection and in the meantime, just prevent or stop destructive behaviour without comment or blame. (Ignore the bad praise the good essentially).

Or he's searching wildly around for boundaries and is very confused. That can be caused if you're a bit inconsistent/want to be the "fun" parent/not very good at following through on what you say, struggle with him being upset (so give in often to avoid this) or there is generally not much order and life is quite unpredictable for him?

Or could it be diet or sleep related - chronic overtiredness, intolerances, undereating, high sugar diet. (Not that sugar makes kids hyper but constant bouncing blood sugar levels might do).

Or it's acting out trauma, sensory related or developmental - is he processing anything big in his life? Bereavement, relationship breakdown, house move, nursery change? Does he have other sensory quirks like being fussy over food/clothing, liking/disliking loud noise etc?

Does anything make him calm? What is he like when he's not being like this?

Cottonfrenzie · 24/04/2022 18:54

Hugasauras · 24/04/2022 18:33

How To Talk so Little Kids Listen.

I feel like I recommend this on here every day but it really is worth reading/listening to, especially with kids where just 'no' doesn't really work (most of them!).

I second this book

AFB2022 · 24/04/2022 20:25

@BertieBotts i feel like this behaviour is deliberate. He knows what he's doing is naughty yet still does it and thinks its funny. He has my full attention when i'm at home with him but its nearly always negative because he just can't behave. I can't even eat my breakfast without him causing chaos or demanding things. I try and get him to do activities in the house with me but after 5mins he's bored and looking for a way he can be naughty and then the cycle starts again. He's a good sleeper, always has been. His diet is shocking at homd because he apparently doesn't like anything yet eats anything and everything at nursery. Nothing has changed in his life so can't be that. He's always been like this, i can't remember a time when he wasn't. If he has an audience though he's good as gold same as nursery. Sits nicely, plays nicely, eats nicely, i just don't understand at all

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holliesmokes · 14/01/2024 18:04

How are things now, AFB2022?

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