Lacking confidence with Newborn

[SLA2022]

Hi All,

First time posting on here and looking for some friendly advice.

My LO is just over 4 weeks old (FTM) and it has been a difficult start to motherhood for me. I had a difficult birth which I think left me in shock for at least the first week of LO’s life and I didn’t feel as though any mothering instincts kicked in as I was hoping. It was almost like I was waiting for someone to instruct me on what I should be doing to take care of my new baby but this isn’t how it works. Since the birth, I feel like I’ve been muddling through, going through the motions but my confidence is not building. I still don’t think I know what I’m doing and I’m worried that my LO is sensing this too.

We had a difficult feeding journey and I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that breastfeeding hasn’t worked out for us. I look at other mums who do breastfeed and feel like they must have a closer bond with their babies. I was hospitalised with mastitis when 2 weeks postpartum. When in the hospital, my OH looked after LO at home (visiting me with LO during the day) because I didn’t feel capable of looking after her by myself, partly because I didn’t have the confidence to and partly because I was on IV antibiotics every 6-8 hours which would make it difficult looking after LO alone. I’m worried this time apart impacted our bonding.

Since recovering from mastitis, I have tried to throw myself into developing a bond with LO but I’m doubting myself everyday. I am worried about having guests or seeing friends because I feel like LO can often struggle to settle with me but seems more relaxed and content with my OH. I worry people will pick up on this and see I’m struggling. My OH is back at work but working from home because I don’t feel like I have the confidence to look after my LO alone. I fear we will have hours of her being unsettled with me alone and so having my OH as an option to settle her gives me the confidence to get through the day. This is causing some conflict because my OH is keen to get back to the office.

Can anyone relate to this lack of confidence and how did you build it up? I have always been my harshest critic but I naively didn’t expect this to follow me into parenting.

I’m teary most days because I worry we haven’t bonded and I keep comparing myself to others, including my OH’s relationship with LO which I know isn’t healthy.

Any tips or hearing from those who had similar experiences would be appreciated.

First of all give your self a break. These first few weeks are ruff. You have this tiny human that doesn't come with instructions and your guessing what they want/need.
Because you didn't breastfeed doesn't mean you have a less of a bond with your baby. Mine was bottle fed and I have a great bond with him. I he's 10 months and stuck to my side😂LO isn't more content with your husband I can guarantee that. It may seem that way but you have carried him for 9 months so you are his safe space. It may be that LO can still smell your milk so appears to be more fidgety looking for milk. Your confidence will build over time and it will all become second nature honestly! Just keep an eye on your mood/feelings and speak to gp if you feel like you need to.

You’re in such early days still. I also had a difficult feeding journey with my eldest and although we bf successfully, the first few weeks were consumed by the effort. And it was so hard that it was the whole focus. I wasn’t indifferent to my baby, I was glad she was there and felt responsibility for her but I didn’t have the feeling of deep love for her that many describe having from the moment they are born. Talking to friends, that is far more normal than you may think in the early weeks. So I’d try not to focus too much on whether you have a bond or not and just give it time. I definitely cared for my baby in the early weeks but I only fell deeply in love with her a couple of months in. Things were more settled and the total wonder of her became easier for me to see. Definitely keep an eye on your mood and perhaps others will know better what early signs of pnd to watch out for. But the fact you are not bf won’t affect your bond with your baby and it may just need a little time.

Oh my gosh this is totally normal. You have a human being to look after and no instruction manual. It's crazy!

I am a massive control freak and all of a sudden this little thing wouldn't do as I thought it should, labor was completely different to how I had planned, wanted to breastfeed for months, didn't happen at all. Expected this very close bond, took ages to come.

Quite honestly the first year I was just going through the motions, really struggled with months 6-9 particularly. Missed work, missed sleep, missed freedom and my identity. It's all the things baby books don't tell you about.

BUT you now have mumsnet a forum with soooo many mums that can help and give you fantastic advice about everything from sleep, weening, routines, discipline everything.

DS is now 8 and I couldnt have a closer bond, he is like my little best friend. Don't worry about getting that bond straight away, personally it didn't happen for me at all.

Be kind to yourself.

A huge amount of people don't get that picture perfect instant bond with their babies. It is totally normal to need to get to know this new little person. You've had a traumatic start to motherhood by the sounds of it and that will take a toll on you. Plus I doubt there are many brand new parents who know what they are doing. But people don't like to admit that when you are in the thick of it so it looks like everyone else has it all together... they don't!

The early days are hard. What would make you happy right now? Try and work that out and let yourself do it, I liked curling up on the sofa with lots of baby snuggles and a film, some people go stir crazy and want to go for a walk or see friends and family. Talk to people if you want to, nobody in their right mind will judge you for finding things hard.

You'll no ok, you really will... and congratulations!