I’m exhausted and can’t do it anymore

[Bellyrumble]

hoping this isn’t too long :/

I have a 7 month old DS who I absolutely adore. Took us a long time to fall pg and I had surgery to help with that in 2020. Fell on couple of months later.

breastfeeding was a very big challenge and only in the last month or so has it become enjoyable really. I persevered and now I love it but it’s been a long road from exclusive pumping, to shields, reflux issues, slow weight gain (we now accept he’s 0.4 centile and tracking his line!) and now I’m back at work so that’s a whole other dimension

DH now has 3 months parental leave I’m back at work full time, I can WFH 3 or 4 days a week out of 5. Quite a full on job

we had a leak which has brought down our bathroom ceiling, caused a lot of mess and has saturated the wall in the baby’s bedroom. We were lucky he was settled in there and waking approx twice a night which was manageable

we’ve been told the full ceiling needs ripping out in bathroom, tiles off, part of the suite out. Plaster in baby room needs to come off too, then it all needs drying out (6weeks estimate as it’s very wet!)

lm just exhausted with it all and can’t see a way out. DS is disrupted sleep wise ;he’s now in a travel cot in spare room, no room for his big cot.

DH and I are at each other’s throats constantly as we are so stressed. He told me the other day he wants a divorce, but think this was said in haste without thinking.

I’ve been a nightmare to live with since having our DS as I get anxious around general mess and find myself just shouting which I’m not proud of.

work is getting busier and busier and I’m struggling to concentrate

we are really struggling to balance finances at the mo (albeit we are in better position than a lot of people, the bills are mounting up and DH still has 3 months on statutory pay)

I just don’t see a way through any of this. I’m exhausted, we don’t have the money for the insurance excess, can’t afford fancy days out to escape it, quite the opposite.

I’m trying to balance feeding the baby which I finally enjoy, with working, and it all seems to have got on top of me

I feel guilty for being at work and not spending time with my DS especially after the hard time we’ve had getting here. I just want to have some calm and time to enjoy being a mum to him, and that hasn’t happened. I can’t keep juggling everything

DH does most of the domestic chores whilst baby naps but understandably he can’t do everything, I appreciate how hard it is looking after a baby all day and don’t want to put too much pressure on him. He too is worn out and at breaking point.

I’m not really sure why I’ve posted- perhaps to see if anyone has gone through similar and can offer any advice

I'm not surprised it's too much!

I had a really shitty first 12 months, for different reasons, and after I went back to work ended up getting signed off work for a month (technically this was 2 weeks for MH and 2 for some physical issues). Can you speak to your GP? Explain about the anxiety and crying and see what they can offer. And is it feasible to drop hours? I went back at 80% but have dropped to 65.. we can't really afford it, but then we also can't afford for me to have a breakdown so 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations to getting to the enjoying breastfeeding stage btw. I found it a fucking nightmare for about 9 months tbh.
Good luck. I really hope things get better. And I think there's a very good chance they will - the first year is HARD.

The current situation isn’t sustainable if it’s impacting your MH and potentially your relationship.

you need to look at options to improve things, could your DH go back early to ease the financial pressure? How would thinks look if you both dropped to 4 days and found childcare for the other three?

Also it sounds like quite a large part of the house is unusable, 2 bedrooms and a bathroom, can insurance cover the cost of a short term rental?

Hugest of hugs Op. I have four children and work full time and get a constant I don't know how you do it but I look at my friends with babies under a few years old and I think so my god how did I do that? You are so tired all the time I'm and as you said everything just mounts up. For one thing the guilt thing is a huge thing, but remember your child is getting a different day and is just going about their own day (that's how I compartmentalise it!!). Also take the odd surprise holiday day and do something comforting or fun with the family!

For your house worries when things start not working with the house I think it pulls you down so everything else seems unmanageable. Add to this thinking about money and it tips it all. Figure out finances, what you can shave off in terms of bills etc.

I would say if you can budget to put even the tiniest, tiniest amount of money into savings it will balance your way of thinking. And I mean tiny, but it's switching your brain over to think money isn't an issue. Also talk to your dh, see how you can help each other or be less stressed (you both getting even a small amountof me time independently or together could help). And ask any friends or family for help, maybe by taking the baby or having a big cleanathon or something (my sil once cleaned up while she was over and it was a game changer!!) Best of luck OP and remember that so many people go through the same thing, it gets easier x

We went through something pretty similar when DD1 was a couple months older and lockdown started – it's incredibly hard. Various bits and pieces that helped us:

When one (or both...) of us got snappy, we reminded each other that it was genuinely an extremely difficult time, and we just had to get through it. It helped diffuse the situation, reminded us that this would pass, and that it wasn't 'us' that was the problem – it was the circumstances.

Do whatever you need to to get more sleep. Everything is so much harder when you're sleep-deprived. For us, that was safer co-sleeping. For you, it might be taking turns to sleep with earplugs in or sleep in the lounge or going to bed very early, so you're getting some (relatively) unbroken nights.

If mess stresses you out, can whoever doesn't put DS to bed do a 5-10 minute tidy, so at least the lounge is clear of toys/baby bits lying around and you can relax there?

Financially, could your husband do some SPLIT days? I think he gets 20, so if you can sort the childcare, he could even do 1-2 days a week.

Find some little things to do that give you a break/make you happy. We obviously had very limited choice in this, given lockdown, but we went on walks to some new places, had picnics in the garden with a couple of supermarket treats (DD was far more interested in climbing all over me than eating anything), bought a box of ice creams for the freezer when the weather was warm and sunny, made sure we always had a book to read (and for me, a knitting project on the go). Scrape out time to talk to close friends and family. For your husband, I'd also suggest trying to go to some (free) groups/meet up with friends with your DS whilst you work, if he isn't already – it will help the days pass faster, give you all some space, and chatting with other parents can be helpful.

Hugs, OP – it will get better.