My 9 year old has turned into a monster

[Phip]

I have a 9 year old son who is soooo full of anger (directed mainly at me and his 2 younger brothers) that I simply don't know what to do with him. 2 years ago his Father and I split up and he took it badly, but seems (and says he is) happy with the set up now whereby he lives with me and normally goes to his Dad's every other weekend (though Dad is notorious for cancelling at the last minute). Over the last 2 years his Grandad, who he was very close to, got sick with cancer and after a long period of suffering died of MRSA in March of this year. My son took this very badly. He is a very deep thinker and getting him to talk about emotional stuff is a long drawn out process, but one with which I persevere. We are now at the stage where he is throwing major tantrums, has no respect whatsoever for me, answers me back constantly and spends his waking hours trying to wind his brothers up (in a very child-like way such as knocking their train set over etc). For the past 4 months we have been seeing a child psycologist, and despite a promising start, over the last week life has gone to pot. His attitude, and his constant tantrums, the shouting at me and his brothers, is affecting us all badly. I just want to leave home....or send him to boot camp. His teacher says he is doing fine at school. Before I go totally ga-ga can somebody give me any ideas or suggestions as to how I can get my happy boy back?

So sorry to hear you're going through this phip, and sympathy too to your ds - it sounds like you're all having a really hard time of it atm. Is there any specialist bereavement counselling available for children? Is there some sort of activity ds is into or could get into that would channel his anger (I'm thinking something physical, martial arts or boxing or similar)?

Phip, I just want to send you support, and to say that, from your description I think he's fine. By that I mean that he has had a hell of a lot to cope with, and he's at the age my sons were when they started to worry about Life, being Grown Up, Getting it Wrong, Not Being Loved and so on and it affected them both in this way. If you can possibly do it, I would advise ignoring as much as possible, especially the answering back, and just concentrating on the positive. the fact that he's doing fine at school is a great sign. Just a guess, but it may be that with dad and Grandad gone he is feeling that he should be in charge, and he's scared you may go too. My children had exactly those fears and they hadn't experienced a breakup. If you can give him time he will work through it. I don't want to poke my nose in, but is it possible that one source of the conflict is that you subconciously lean on him or expect more of him now, and that he is reacting to that? Noe of my business, just trying to help. Wish you lots of luck in sorting it out.