How to cope with 22mo preference for dad - really struggling

[Boymama87]

I know it’s pathetic as he’s not even 2 yet and doesn’t understand, but I’m really struggling with my toddler’s preference for his dad. I know I should be grateful that his dad is such a wonderful parent to him and they have a strong bond, but I just don’t know how to cope with the rejection. I decided not to go back to work properly when my maternity leave ended when he was 1 as I was enjoying my new ‘mum life’ with him so much. I’m currently pregnant with number 2 (due imminently) and I know that I’m struggling to do as many fun things as usual with him, but I am really pushing myself to for his sake so it’s not as though he spends all day being bored with me. He’s best when he’s busy so we swim, go to softplay, music classes, the park, play dates…everything really. But if his dad is there, I may aswell not exist. I can’t hold him, play with him, do anything really. It’s particularly bad at night. He’s always woken up regularly (we’ve not sleep trained) and we’ve mostly taken nights in shifts to get through it. But when I go in now, I have to work through massive screaming tantrums because he wants daddy not me before he will let me settle him. Which when heavily pregnant and sleep deprived is incredibly hard to take.
I have been telling myself it’s just a phase. But it’s been getting progressively worse since November and just doesn’t seem like it will ever end.
I am a very sensitive person emotionally as it is and I’m just really struggling to put this in perspective and not feel basically heartbroken over it even though I know rationally he’s 22months and he’s not deliberately trying to upset me.
If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this I’d be grateful. I love him with all my heart and just don’t know how to deal with the constant rejection.

No advice other than he will grow out of it. DC1 was like this at a similar age. And if it’s any consolation DC2 is all about Mummy.

Be rest assured that it’s normal OP.

I have two sons, both of which are huge mummy’s boys which my DH used to find really hard. Our eldest is 8 and only now are starting to feel more even in terms of how he feels about me and his dad, and our youngest is coming up 5 and still has a strong and obvious preference for me.

it has been upsetting for my DH in the past so I understand how you feel. I used to hate seeing him frustrated but it’s just the way it was.

But please don’t see it as a rejection as like you said he still a baby himself so doesn’t understand at all about how his actions and behaviours manifest to others.

what I will say from personal experience though, is that when the new baby comes along try and find ways to have some quality 1-1 time with your current son.

There is a 3.5 year age gap between my boys and I had a lot of jealousy issues which did result in rejection of me (from my oldest) for quite some time and I found it very difficult.

Parenting can be so hard especially when it comes to feelings of the child preferring one parent over another, but just hold on to the fact that it’s a normal stage of their development. Things will be okay 🙂

They swap and change - he'll probably decide you're his favourite when the baby arrives because that's the sort of annoying thing that they do.

Thank you @Wnkingawalrus @Bornsloppy @PaddlingLikeADuck I appreciate the support. I know I’m probably just being a hormonal mess because I’m due soon, but it’s just so hard not to be upset by it when I’m also so conscious it’s our last few days/weeks with him as an only and the new baby arrives.

Literally sat sobbing. Wake up 1 tonight at 9.30. I went in. He screamed solidly for 25 minutes and wouldn’t accept it was me going in and not his dad. His dad came in even though I told him not to. Now he’s fast asleep with him. I may aswell just disappear.

DS was similar when he was that age. I remember DP and I going to collect him from nursery together after we'd been away for 2 nights without him. I was so excited to see him but he ran straight past me into daddy's arms. Didn't even acknowledge me.

8 months later and he's spent the day shouting muuummmyyy every time I leave the room.

Your DS loves you. Daddy is the flavour of the month right now but it won't always be that way.

I really hope you’re right @Imissprosecco 😢

Ah OP my DS is the same and he’s just turned 3. He’s generally always been that way. It’s much better nowadays. Myself and DH act blasé about it to be honest which really helps. We take turns with everything and we continue that even if DS asks for his dad.

for example, this evening when he came home from nursery, I finished up with work and when to join them in the living room. And he told me to go back to work haha. The cheek! I just said, ah well I’m finished work for the day now so I’ll be sitting here with you and daddy. Soz! And Dh backed me up. After a few minutes he was over it.

we stick to routines, no matter what, and Dh disappears out of the way if it’s causing an issue. I remember about a year ago he screamed during my bedtimes for about two weeks and I just stayed calm and sucked it up, and eventually he realised it wasn’t going to work and he’s been fine ever since. Everything is a phase.

It’s much better nowadays so it will get better OP, but he still does lean towards his dad. I’m off two days a week with him and we have an absolute blast and we’re best mates, we have cuddles and fun and he loves being with me, so I am absolutely confident that it’s not me and that he loves me and I’m a good parent. So are you. It’s absolutely no reflection on you.

Just for some reason when we’re together he leans to his dad.

I tell myself it’s because DS saw DH first when he was born (I didn’t see him for a few hours as he was whisked off to NICU, and didn’t hold him for three days after that, whereas DH held him for a few minutes at birth, and then went with him to NICU) He thinks he Imprinted on him Twilight-style haha it’s a funny way of looking at it!

anyway don’t stress, he’s 22 months, he’s not doing it deliberately.

I think that makes good sense about the sticking to it even if he’s kicking off@Abouttimemum. That was why I said to DH not to come in just now but he did it anyway. I know he meant well (and I get his reasoning, the new baby is due and realistically I’m going to need him to help as much as possible) but I’m just afraid it’s embedding the whole daddy preference even further. I don’t know. I’m just a massive hormonal mess right now.

My son showed very strong preference for his dad at the same age - lasted 2 or 3 months maybe. For example, I would come home from work and he wouldn't be pleased to see me - he'd say very seriously 'NO' and stay with his dad! Or only want his dad to read him his bedtime story.... Now he's almost 24 months and all that kind of behaviour has pretty much stopped. So I think it's just a phase, it will pass.

I hope so @pitterypattery00 . I know it’s pathetic but I can’t take it if it keeps on like this. I literally feel heartbroken. (Fully aware I’m being a massive overdramatic pain in the ass.)

I suspect it’s because you’re the one who’s around more - so Daddy is more of a novelty. As a pp said, I bet when the new baby comes and you’re tied up with all of that, it’ll all be about you! Sorry you feel rubbish about it, though - I can empathise and it must get you down when you’re the one there day in, day out and Daddy gets all
the glory…..

Hi OP,
Mine are similar age gap to yours. Oldest was 22 months when youngest born and about that age had a strong preference for Daddy. I found it really upsetting. I'd carried him, fed him, had my maternity leave with him, worked fewer hours than my DH to be with him, he'd changed my world and made me a mother and as I worked/struggled to be as active (SPD in pregnancy) it was like he abandoned me, all that time just stopped mattering and it was all about Daddy. DS would ask me to leave the room, push me away, I couldn't comfort him. I'd have to hide tears from him sometimes. It was a phase that required me to be a big girl, regulate and be responsible for my own emotions, be consistently unphased (outwardly!) and calm and loving despite all the rejection (and the guilt and sleep deprivation and caring for a newborn that came too). It was hard!!! But it's this really digging deep, managing yourself and loving no matter what that is a truly hard part of parenting.
It was a phase, maybe one my DS needed to have to learn something about relationships or the world or emotions or security or his Dad or me or who knows! But it's so common. God I'm remembering now some excruciating nursery pick ups where he'd crumple into tears and cry for his Dad when he saw it was me who was picking him up, I just had to get used to being rejected by my kid in public.
He then switched sides a few times and now at 3 he can sort of go with whoever has been around most. It changes all the time but you know what, he is an extremely loving and affectionate boy and we have a fantastic relationship. Closer than ever. The twos were a test but the threes are a while new wonder We seem to have come through that and are in such an easy, connected and bonded place now.
Your toddler is doing things because toddler reasons. It's not you, it's not them it's some out of control developmental mystery. You just have to be big brave Mummy who is not scared or unsettled by his big emotions - because that would be scary for him. Maybe they need to know they can reject us and we'll still be there.
You have so much more time being his Mummy, this isn't a last countdown. He will need a lot of security as his world changes when sibling comes and I would try not to worry whether he seeks that from you or his Dad, at the same time as you both consistently offering it, especially some special alone times with you.
It's hard, you're human, it hurts. You're his Mum, you can take it, it won't last forever. Good luck with everything x

You’re probably right @WimpoleHat I’m probably taking it badly because I know how things are going to be hard for
him to adjust to very soon and I feel like he should be enjoying his final days as an only child! (But obviously he has no idea about any of that seeing as he’s still a baby himself really!)
Youve pretty much summed it all up right there @AmericanStickInsect . And you’re right, he will need to feel secure now more than ever when his sibling arrives and I need to be the adult and remember that he’s nearly 2 and not about to pack up and leave home!
Also, doing this because toddler reasons - totally accurate 😂

My son has been like this since he was about 11 months (he's now 2 and 3 months). It has varied in intensity since then but he has shown a constant, clear preference for me (I'm the dad), ranging just from shouting 'DADDYYYYYY' when he wants something to the kind of behaviour you describe where he has clearly rejected my wife for me. It's been very hard for her (and for me, as there have been times I've had to basically always be there at bedtimes in case he kicked off), but we have been able to manage it a bit by:

• Maintaing a strict one day on, one day off for bedtimes and bathtimes (any want daddy is ignored) so he doesn't have an opportunity to choose
• if I'm alone with him I go out of my way to be excited about seeing mummy again soon
• We've also found that mornings are very important - so while we usually take it in turns to get up with him and give him breakfast, if my wife has a run of a few days doing it things tend to improve
• And I sometimes have a night away from the house to get him used to just being with my wife

Good luck! It's really hard and it sounds like you're dealing with it so well.

Thanks @YRGAM it’s really good to hear a dad’s perspective. Sounds like you’ve got some good strategies in place to try and counter the preference as much as possible. I think when number 2 lands (any day now) and things have settled a bit (wishful thinking much!) we will have to readdress some of our routines.
I think part of what has been really hard, as well as my emotional response to being rejected, is that I feel guilty that as a result, my husband is having to take on more of what I feel is my ‘job’ as I am mostly a sahm. I know he knows I would change it in a heartbeat, but I just feel guilty of the pressure he is under with having to work full time and then having our DS only wanting him, particularly at night.
Hopefully things will even out for all of us on this thread soon - toddlers are such tricky little beasts!