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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Brought them up right

32 replies

Mumof3pluscat · 19/04/2022 18:58

To those parents who people would say brought their kids up “right”, what hints and tips would you give?
You know the kids/teenagers that would help a granny cross a road, pick up litter, polite, study instead of drinking in a field etc lol
I have a 6, 4 and 1 year old and feel like I’m failing so any advice going forward would be great!
Thanks!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

2anddone · 19/04/2022 19:06

Everyone told me I was strict with my children when they were younger (I was a lone parent from them being 3 and 6) especially with manners, tidying up and screen times/bedtimes. They are now 16 and 13 and lots of people tell me I 'brought them up right' don't get me wrong they have their moments but on the whole they are 'good' kids....definitely not arseholes!

2anddone · 19/04/2022 19:07

Also @Mumof3pluscat you aren't failing we are all winging this parenting thing and yours are young enough for you to make any changes you want

AmbushedByCake · 19/04/2022 19:09

I know lots of people who drank in fields as teenagers and have grown up to be sensible respectable adults with good professional jobs. A bit of teen rebellion doesn't mean a parent had failed :)

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pheonixrebirth · 19/04/2022 19:21

Manners are the main thing I think. It means your kids will have respect for others and themselves and I also think it just leads to kids automatically being kind because they are thinking about the people around them.
I have always been complimented on my kids manners which is lovely, don't get me wrong, but I also think it's kind of sad that they are the exception so to speak. They are young adults now but still get compliments themselves. Manners really do go a long way.

Original poster

Mumof3pluscat · 19/04/2022 19:24

Ambushedbycake oh yes I did plenty of it, but if I can not go through what I put my mother through that would be good 🤪

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof3pluscat · 19/04/2022 19:26

Thank you @2anddone the Easter holidays have been hard work! What we’re your rules on screen time?

OP posts:

PurpleSky300 · 19/04/2022 19:32

I'm not a parent so can't tell anyone what the 'right' way, is but I think having a pet / supporting children to look after an animal can be really beneficial for their personality. It's companionship, teaches them responsibility, helps them develop empathy.

sickofthisnonsense · 19/04/2022 19:34

My kids aren't angels but are good kids and we seem to be sailing through teen hood.

I was strict when they were little.
They didn't get away with being rude, screaming, answering back. It was hard work at times as they are 18 months apart.

They had freedom to learn as well.
Things like they could walk or ride ahead one they had proved they would stop when told etc.

Strict when little relaxing as they grow older

itsgettingweird · 19/04/2022 19:35

People always tell me how polite ds is.

I think a huge deal of it is personality. I'm very passive and so is he. We are quite happy to allow others a say, to go first etc.

But I also made sure the life skills of getting on with people and treating people with respect were the ones I focussed on. I'm a strong believer that being top,of the class and an arsehole gets you know further than getting good grades but being someone people want to employ (iyswim?!).

Don't get me wrong it's been tough. I'm a single parent and my ds is autistic but I do believe being likeable is a necessary life skill.

itsgettingweird · 19/04/2022 19:36

I do also believe an education that involves the ability to spell and use grammar is important - that may not have been evident in my above post

Pixiedust1234 · 19/04/2022 19:38

I want to second both pp. Being insistent on manners, including saying please and thank you to you (you are just as important as a stranger). Being reasonably strict, once you have laid the groundwork you can back off a little but they need to know the boundaries at the beginning. Be consistent yourself and be fair, otherwise there is no respect. Get it right when they are young and it becomes ingrained as a habit.

Everyone used to love having my daughters over for playdates...they used to say my kids manners rubbed off onto theirs and made the day even more enjoyable for those parents.

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/04/2022 19:40

My teen behaves like an asshole quite a lot at the moment but deep down he’s a ‘good kid’ he’s the first to hold a door for a person with a pram, help his grandparents with shopping, pick up a babies toy etc.
I think as long as you start young with basic manners and have rules and respect then your half way there.

ParisHarris · 19/04/2022 19:43

Model the behaviour you want to see- be kind and considerate to them, to your OH if you have one, help little old ladies across the road etc, so your children take this as being a normal way of living rather than something they have to be taught.

2anddone · 19/04/2022 19:51

@Mumof3pluscat

Thank you *@2anddone* the Easter holidays have been hard work! What we’re your rules on screen time?

@Mumof3pluscat they used to get tv but didn't get tablets or gaming devices until they were 8 years old, then they were allowed half hour a day and 2 hours each Saturday and Sunday....more in the school holidays. I never limited tv time and will be the first to admit CBeebies was constantly on in the background! They also had strict bedtimes and went to bed at 6.45 until they started year 6 and 8pm after that. The first lockdown was the point where I cracked (they were 11 and 14) and now screentime is limited on weekdays where it can be used after homework is finished until 8.30pm....with a break to eat dinner and shower, no limits on weekends except a Saturday night where we have family movie night and we all go to bed at the same time now around 9.45!!

notacooldad · 19/04/2022 19:52

Biggest things I’d say is lead by example and have a zero tolerance to disrespectful behaviour. Me and DH always say please and thank you to each other for virtually everything. ( and to the children when they were small- well we still do,I meant it was always there)

Put age appropriate boundaries in place from toddler age.
You can’t let a kid get away with certain behaviour for years thinking it’s cute and then start clamping down when they are eleven or something. It never works. I have seen so many parents over the years that have done this and then wonder why their child talks to them like shit.

One thing I taught my lads was to think ahead to what their actions might lead to.

We always say to each other ‘it’s nice to be nice’ I know it sounds twee but it definitely worked!

Paperdolly · 19/04/2022 19:53

Saw this and felt better 🤣

DarleneSnell · 19/04/2022 19:54

I agree manners are absolutely key. If you lead strictly on those, the rest tends to follow much more naturally. Manners are also extremely easy for anyone once drilled in, it's so worth instilling them.

Harpydragon · 19/04/2022 19:57

I have a nearly 18 year old ds whom I'm very proud of and whom people nearly always tell us what a nice kid he is.

I think you just need to be consistent with your kids and model the behaviour you want them to show. We encouraged respect for us, people and his belongings. We always stomped down hard on bad manners, rudeness, answering back. Whatever we promised, be it good or bad was always followed through on. I never ever said he would get a punishment and then didn't follow through with whatever it was. Likewise if we promised a treat, he got it. We always explained why we were doing something and did so from a very young age. He has been expected to help out round the house from a very young age in an appropriate way, such as dirty washing in the laundry basket nearly as soon as he could walk. Now he could run his own house.

I think some of it will depend on character both yours and theirs. It's been a right old struggle at times, but for me learning not to be a shouty mum and purposely listen to ds had been well worth it.

Original poster

Mumof3pluscat · 19/04/2022 20:02

When having zero tolerance for bad manners/disrespectful what do you do for punishment? That is something we are particularly struggling with our 4 year old with and he just thinks it’s funny!

OP posts:

Iamblossom · 19/04/2022 20:17

@sickofthisnonsense

My kids aren't angels but are good kids and we seem to be sailing through teen hood.

I was strict when they were little.
They didn't get away with being rude, screaming, answering back. It was hard work at times as they are 18 months apart.

They had freedom to learn as well.
Things like they could walk or ride ahead one they had proved they would stop when told etc.

Strict when little relaxing as they grow older

Yes I could have written this post.

I was told several times that it was unusual that I spoke to my children even from a very young age in quite a grown up way. I took this to mean that I expected them to listen to me, do what I asked them to do, and in return I listened to them when they talked to me.

I explain things to my kids. I ask them questions. I tell them things that are going on in my life that I think they might find interesting or amusing. We communicate.

I reap the rewards of this every day. DH has a different approach and a a result they seem to have a much more narrow relationship with each other. IMO.

I tell them I trust them, that to lie to me would be disappointing and counter productive, that no one in their whole lives will be on their side as much as I am and to remember that, respect it and not abuse it. I hope they do.

I frequently get told how polite, respectful, friendly, helpful and fun they are. I don't take this for granted at all, it makes me immensely proud when it happens and they bring me joy every single day.

(Stinky rooms, can't flush a toilet, would sooner put clean clothes in a wash than away in a drawer, should focus more on their eduction than improving their skateboarding, and do lots of stupid things lots of the time, but hey, that's kids for you )

Harpydragon · 19/04/2022 21:02

@Mumof3pluscat

When having zero tolerance for bad manners/disrespectful what do you do for punishment? That is something we are particularly struggling with our 4 year old with and he just thinks it’s funny!

Bad manners, for example, not saying thank you when handed something. When my son did this I used to hold on to whatever I was giving him until he said thank you. At 4 that would have come with a reminder "what do you say"? At 6 just holding on until a thank you was said.

It's not always about punishment, it's about constant reminders and modelling the behaviour you expect to see.
Have a stock of phrases that you can use consistently:
We don't hit people, that hurts
Be kind to each other
I can't hear you when you shout at me.
It is rude to interrupt people, say excuse me and wait your turn.
We don't take other people's stuff without asking first
We don't yell at people that's not nice.

A lot of these phrases as you can see say "we" a lot. It sets the expectation that it's something that everyone does / does not and sets something up as a behaviour correction!

You can be firm without being shouty and punishments all the time have no value. They also need to be proportionate. So no TV for a week because they didn't say please or thank you is way over the top, however not receiving what they wanted because they didn't say please is a natural consequence of their actions.

Obviously, if they continue to damage something, hit someone after you have said stop, warrants something more appropriate. Mine used to get cooling off time in the corner of the room or his bedroom, followed by an explanation of what he was doing there and something from him showing me that he was sorry. I know lots of people hate this approach, but the cooling off period worked for us both, let him know I meant business. To be fair I didn't need to do this beyond the age of 5 ashe had learned by that point that when I said something I meant it!

notacooldad · 19/04/2022 21:06

When having zero tolerance for bad manners/disrespectful what do you do for punishment? That is something we are particularly struggling with our 4 year old with and he just thinks it’s funny!

It’s not always about punishment. Sometimes just a stern reminder and that ‘we do not talk like that’ with a poker face when they are being rude can do the trick but you always have to keep it up and not let things slide and not let it become a joke.

If it continues and they get giddy they were asked to leave the room until they could behave. It can be exhausting but it will pay off in the long run.

JennyWren · 19/04/2022 22:19

I always said that I wanted my children to grow up to be respectful but to also be independent thinkers. But in order to develop the skills of knowing when it was appropriate to say no, they first had to develop obedience. I took their feelings into account, gave them age-appropriate choices, but ultimately the parents were in charge.

sickofthisnonsense · 19/04/2022 22:53

Tone of voice
I have noticed that parents who's children play up for them don't have the right tone of voice.
There is a difference between drippy,firm and shouty.
Finding the tone that works and reinforcing it with a consequence.

TheFairyCaravan · 19/04/2022 23:15

My children are adults now. Complete strangers have complimented us on their behaviour and manners when they were smaller and their teachers were always full of praise about them.

We did always have rules and boundaries. I fully believe that children strive if they know what’s going on in their world. We weren’t fierce with discipline or punishments, however they did get them if they were needed but it wasn’t that often that they were.

We picked our battles. That’s the best bit of advice I can give anyone. Don’t be constantly on at your children because they will dig their heels in and become resentful.

If you get it wrong, admit it and say sorry. I’ve always done this with my children because when I was a child my mum would have argued black was white rather than backing down and it taught me nothing but resentment.

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