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Parenting

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Original poster

Did the newborn stage scare your partner?

18 replies

ThisIsRiley · 19/04/2022 15:51

DD is quite clingy to me, she only really settles with me but lately we’ve been trying to get her to settle with DH.

She’s 3.5 months old and for 3 months of that was exclusively breastfed so I think that may play into the fact she’s majorly a mummy’s girl.

I went out shopping for food the other night and it was around bedtime, DH said he’d handle it and for me to do the shop as I actually quite like it!

When I came in she was asleep but he seemed defeated and upset. She’d cried pretty much the whole time I was out and he struggled and he then said he feels like an awful dad who is useless.

He then said “I don’t know if I want any more children” I appreciate this comment but it did unsettle me a bit

I do like the thought of at least one more, a sibling for DD (not any time soon) and the thought of my pregnancy and DD being my last is kind of upsetting

I told my mum as I didn’t want to bother DH, she said my father did the same when I was really young then as I got a bit older he was ready for my brother. She said it’s most likely because DD is young and it’s our first child etc

I’m just wondering has anyone else had the same happen? Of course I don’t want DC2 for a little while and I haven’t even thought of when I’d want another but I don’t like the thought of there never being one :(

PS: I am taking my partners feelings into consideration. We’re working on his confidence and I’m helping him learn how to settle DD and have her alone. Please don’t comment on this as we are working on that I just wanted to ask about this comment.

OP posts:

carefullycourageous · 19/04/2022 15:54

I wouldn't read too much into that comment, there are some days it just feels shit.

carefullycourageous · 19/04/2022 15:55

I would say to him 'we are ages off trying for another, don't worry about that now, we're still getting used to this one'.

QuiltedHippo · 19/04/2022 15:59

Massive mummy's girl baby here, still going strong at 11 months - but it has got so much better as they can play and have fun. It has been grim at times and he found it very hard, when they want and are willing to be a good dad and baby says no then that is so tough for everyone. We were both unsure about more kids and he's very against more right now but I don't think the first year after having a baby is the time to have those decisions finalised

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TerryChoc · 19/04/2022 16:04

It’s a totally tired, worn, oh my goodness type of comment to say. He sounds as if he was in the moment of stress and thought can’t do that anymore.
As a mother we have moments of “oh my, not sure I can do this today” but we do.
My DH did same, first was colic ridden he screamed day and night. Said this was it, if we had another he wouldn’t know what to do. We had second and although tough at first DH bloody loved the two and happy we did.

Original poster

ThisIsRiley · 19/04/2022 16:59

Thanks everyone I’m hoping it’s a reactive comment

He’s done it before when DD was screeching and wouldn’t settle for ages as he got anxious. Then 2 days later said he didn’t mean it

When he’s not as upset I will say to him I don’t want another DC soon but at least 1 more in the future for a sibling for DD? Hopefully

OP posts:

workingmomlife · 19/04/2022 18:22

Honestly it's pretty normal - my DH didn't go near our eldest and the twins until 6 months I don't think - the girls are very much daddy's girls now though and he's loving it 😂

workingmomlife · 19/04/2022 18:24

Also it's far too soon to ask about siblings. He's getting none of the actual "joy" out of being a father at the moment - presumably you are on Maternity leave whilst he's at work? So he's perhaps veering that financial responsibility and then throw in the lack of bonding because well she's a breastfed baby attached to you for 24 hours a day then highly doubt he'll agree to another any time soon.

It took me ages to get DH on Board with TTC Our first but when she turned out to be a daddy's girl he was much more enthusiastic about trying for a sibling....which turned into twins 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Mamabananananana · 19/04/2022 18:29

Yes.
He was awful. Anxiety ridden fueled arguments crazy behaviour full blown melt down times.
Hated him more than any other human in history at times.
But gradually, about 8 months, DH got into it. He still finds being the soul carer if i pop away for a few hours, very tough but i couldnt do that before
I think a lot of men are like this but the woman arw too upset and ashamed to say anything to each other
We got the Nursery Nurse to come out and teach DH baby massage so he could bond. And she also went over a few basics with him ( he just wasn't listening to me) and it did reassure him.
Best of luck. Just make sure hes bringing you a cuppy and tidying etc ( thats where the line is drawn- if hes terrified of baby he MUST take cate of the home etc when he can!)
Get a whiteboard

Ellfinlyr · 19/04/2022 19:35

My husband was much better at the newborn stage than me. I can definitely identify with how your partner was feeling. My first baby had colic and spend most of his awake time screaming at me and I would literally dread being alone with him as it was so stressful. Give it time. I’m pregnant with my third now so I obviously got over it 😂 seriously though I’m sure it will be ok. I can see why some dads struggle at first especially if the mum is breastfeeding as there is only so much they can do and if they feel the baby only wants the mum it’s easy to get disheartened by it. I’m sure as the baby gets older and more interactive and cries less he will find it easier.

elenacampana · 19/04/2022 19:37

Ours is 5.5 months now, my husband said the same thing when she was a few weeks old. He’s changed his tune now that things are calmer and we know our little girl better :-)

Original poster

ThisIsRiley · 19/04/2022 20:57

All these comments are so reassuring

Like I say way too early for another DC but I can’t imagine DD being my only, I loved pregnancy and love being her mother and despite what DH says he’s an amazing daddy and would be to another DC

OP posts:

User48751490 · 19/04/2022 21:00

DH got shingles as a stress response to DS being born years ago.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 19/04/2022 21:01

Loads of people feel like that in the newborn days. Including me. Then they get a bit older then you forget then you're pregnant again.

Most people who have a tiny baby don't want another, it's hard! Don't take what he says right now seriously. Create space for him to get confident and just give it time.

Echobelly · 19/04/2022 21:02

I think some dads, just like mums, can be freaked out by the newborn stage.

In our case it helped that DH had been in his teens when his DSis was born, so he was actually better with and more used to small babies than I was!

Qwill · 19/04/2022 21:04

My husband was great at the newborn stage, maybe better than me. But, both of us have felt completely overwhelmed and have said ‘I don’t want another one’, and the classic, ‘what do you want’ (when they are too young to even communicate. We did though have more!

woody87 · 19/04/2022 21:46

Totally normal.

DH still talks about how useless he felt at the newborn stage. When we had DS2 he totally came into his own as took over everything with DS1 who was then 18 months old and now I'm pregnant again with twins and I know I'll be able to 100% rely on him to look after two toddlers whilst I do majority of newborn stuff again.

Tbh I think too many women try and force babies to want to go to their dads more, DH was great for getting up in the night to help with nappy changes etc but ultimately newborns want their mothers and that's just biology.

Cafeaulait27 · 19/04/2022 21:50

Our son had colic and it was me saying this was a mistake, I’m never doing this again, etc etc. my husband was the one saying ‘it will get better’ even though he didn’t believe it sometimes. But we formula fed from the start so we’ve always been 50-50 caregivers (apart from when he is at work) so there’s no preference of which parent can soothe him.

Now he’s 6 months we’ve both said we’d love another one. The newborn stage is brutal, for us it seemed like a constant merry go round of crying, feeding, changing, panicked calls to the dr and hv worrying about colic and no sleep. But now he sleeps through, laughs and smiles all day and is so cute and squishy. It’s still hard at times but we know we’d go for another if we can get lucky again xx

Ragwort · 19/04/2022 21:52

No, my DH was (is ) by far the better parent, DS was born with some medical issues and he spent ages researching everything, he was thoroughly hands on, everything apart from breast feeding, from Day One. He would have loved another baby ... I was the one who said 'no more'. He's still the most wonderful, devoted Dad to our DS who is now 21!

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