Explaining death etc to 4 yo

[SecondhandTable]

My eldest DC will be turning 4 soon. One of their close relatives has cancer. Prognosis at the moment is unclear, but relative is becoming suddenly increasingly unwell in recent weeks. DC aware that relative has often been unwell recently, but that's it. If relative dies in the not too distant future - how do I explain this to DC?! I don't want to leave it til the time comes when I will also be grieving and flounder around and deal with it badly, I feel I need to have a plan about what I will tell them etc in advance. I literally have no idea, and no idea how to support a small child through their own grief? Where would I go for support or if DC needed support? Thank you kindly

I just winged it on the day. My mum died when DD was the same age as your DC. We had quite a few people round the night before she was buried. DD was playing with a toy digger one of them had brought her and I thought I'd better get on and tell her. So I sat beside her and the foot of the stairs and said, you know granny Power was really sick? Well now she has died. I'm really sad because she was my mum and you granny and she loved me and you and now she has died. We're having the funeral tomorrow which is kind of a party for somebody who has died, except it is a sad party. Then she is going to be buried in the grave beside grandad. DD agreed that it was very sad and went back to playing with the digger. Handily for explanatory purposes I had euthanased mum's ancient sick cat a few months previously and DD helped to bury her so she understood the concepts of very sick, dead, buried.

The book "Badger's Parting gifts" is lovely. I'd get it and just have it as part of your normal reading repertoire. Then nearer the time you can refer it it with regard to your relative.

There is advice on Macmillian below which is good. I was very clear with my DC using language like died and explaining the process etc. Children don’t think about it in the same way we do and are unlikely to be as upset and worried as you are.

www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/treatment/if-you-have-an-advanced-cancer/end-of-life/preparing-a-child-for-loss

Is the person old?

At this age absolutely no need to mention cancer. Just died of an illness and old age.

@EducatingArti advice is good there are lots of great books out there and reading regularly will introduce the concept and any questions your child might have.

Why wouldn’t you tell them about cancer. DC don’t think about death in the same way and hiding things just raises anxiety. You can explain cancer in child friendly language.

I'm not sure why you wouldn't mention cancer, unlike whenyougonnalearn my kids knew their uncle was ill with cancer and then that it did kill him.

OP just start to explain death and dying however you feel comfortable. As others have said, kids might react differently to adults, they might not fully understand, they might not be as sad. But it is important not to avoid the truth, not to lie and to let them see that you're upset.

There's another good book called The Invisible String which is nice.
My mum died before DC were born so I've had many conversations about that. They don't process it in the same way as adults. Just don't say things like 'x has gone to sleep'.

My husband (DD's dad) died when she was almost 3. My SIL's best friend is a child psychologist and she gave us some great advice on how to handle it.

• Use factual language, including the word "died". Don't say "gone to sleep" or "passed away" or anything like that - being unclear causes confusion and can lead to children being afraid to go to sleep etc.
• Explain why the person died in child-friendly language - e.g. you might say "[Relative] had a very serious illness called cancer, and it meant that her body stopped working so she died."
• Choose an explanation for where the person is now that you're happy with and stick to it. I believe in heaven so that's what I said to DD - that Daddy is happy and safe in heaven but he's gone and he can't ever come back. Other people say things like "[Relatives] energy has gone into nature" or "[Relative] is in the stars" or even "We don't know what happens to people after they die" but the key point is to make it clear that they can't come back.
• Reassure the child that you're not going anywhere.
• Acknowledge your child's sadness but also let them know that it's okay to play and be happy. Model this yourself by allowing them to see you cry but also making an effort to still have fun with them.
• Be prepared to repeat the fact that they have died many, many times. I learnt an explanation by rote so I could say it without finding it too upsetting: "Daddy's heart was very, very sick and that meant that his body stopped working and he died. It didn't hurt him. He's in heaven now and he's happy and safe, but he can't ever come back and we can't see him any more. It's very sad that he died and we will miss him lots. But Mummy is here and I'm staying with you, I'm not going to go away."
• Get some books - you don't need to overegg it but reading them occasionally can help. The Invisible String is great, and Is Daddy Coming Back In A Minute is also a good one. What Happened To Daddy's Body by the same author is good if you have a particularly curious child.

In general, I would say not to worry too much. Not to diminish DD's grief which IS very present and real, but kids are remarkably resilient and will accept situations as they are. I find the most important thing is to to keep talking about her dad in a positive way - remembering fun things they used to do together, keeping him a part of daily conversation and allowing her space to talk about it. She will express her sadness quite often and I just acknowledge it and let her sit with it for a bit rather than trying to brush it off or cheer her up.

Barnados and Winston's Wish both offer good support for children, and I think Cruse does as well. You can also get a referral from your GP for play therapy if you think your child has been significantly impacted.

@Justalittlebitfurther

Why wouldn’t you tell them about cancer. DC don’t think about death in the same way and hiding things just raises anxiety. You can explain cancer in child friendly language.

Because they become terrified of cancer Cancer is everywhere but is in many cases overcome Their first “experience” of cancer will be death

I would not mention cancer

Oh and you absolutely should be specific about the illness - children need to understand that not every illness results in death otherwise they'll worry about themselves and you.

When the child is older they will ask… what illness did “xyz” die from? Then you tell them
At 4 - you say illness

I definitely will use clear language and tell the truth etc when the time comes. Im not sure about telling them about 'cancer', is that helpful if they don't know what it means anyway? I'm not opposed to it, I suppose I was just assuming that the simpler language the better for them to understand as best they can, whereas introducing new concepts like 'cancer' might cause more confusion? DC's only reference point for 'dead' is about plants so far. I'm not sure whether to change this now so that it's not a new concept when relative does die, or leave it? It seems... unnecessary to introduce the concept of people dying for no reason but then would that make it less stressful for them when it happens if the concept at least is familiar?

Relative isn't 'old' really, as they are in their 50s, but DC thinks that is old!

Oh also I should have said, what about the funeral and burial etc? Do I bring DC or not? I don't want to exclude them but worry the idea of loved one's body in a coffin and subsequent burial may be distressing to such a small child?!

Personally I'd say something like "[Relative] had a very serious illness called cancer in their stomach and the doctors did everything they could to make it better, but sometimes even the doctors can't make cancer better."

In my experience the more specific you can be, the less anxiety they have later on around general illness.

My step dad passed away suddenly when my dd was 2&1/2. He looked after her when I went back to work FT so they were very close.

I would agree with all the advice you've been given already. Be as honest as you can, and try not to use confusing euphemisms like "Gone to sleep" etc. they will have questions or want to talk about them, but will often change the subject to something completely different suddenly- let them, don't push them into talking about it for any longer than they want to (& don't be alarmed when they jump from how much they miss them to how funny Peppa pig is or something equally contrasting!).
Don't be afraid to cry or be upset yourself, you don't have to "stay strong" for your DC - just explain what you're feeling so they know it's ok to be upset too.
Child bereavement uk has a good website with advice on how to talk about death at different age ranges and some resources to help too (although they might be more suited to older children from what I recall)
If they are at school/preschool etc it would be worth letting teacher/key worker know so they are aware too for extra support.

I’d be quite matter of fact about it explaining this person has been sick for a while and has sadly died. When my dad died I made sure to reassure her it was different from when most people get sick and the doctor or medicine makes them better. I think it’s up to you if going into the detail re cancer will be too confusing. You may find DC is rather matter of fact about it, my daughter was quite ok and now when she sees a photo or whatever tends to say “oh he’s gone to heaven now”

I wouldn’t take a child that young to a funeral though. Didn’t take my daughter and I think she would have been confused by so many adults being emotional.

I think attending the funeral is very child-dependent. DD is 4 now and I wouldn't bring her at this age - she wouldn't get anything out of it and would be more likely to find it distressing.

Depends entirely on who has died

A very aged relative where funeral likely to be a celebration of life? Can be lovely

A tragedy involving someone taken too young? No

Personally I wouldn’t take a child to a funeral service but bring to the wake/funeral tea after if you feel that everyone will accept that your DS will run away and play and be happy like you’d expect a child to be.
Lots of good advice here so I won’t repeat but also be prepared for more questions and them to come up randomly and possibly ask about when you might die. My DD became aware of people and pets dying and asks some quite random questions at the most surprising times

It depends a bit on the four year old, the relationship, and how you and your wider family deals with death.

I've had kids who want to know all the things like how we know when someone is dying, how we're sure someone is dead, and so on. Others just accept or aren't developmentally yet at a place to discuss when told someone is likely to die soon or has died and just goes with the flow. I've found the closer the relationship, the more likely questions or concerns will rise.

As EducatingArti said, having books or video stories if you're not up for reading and making it like other stories can help. Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen is also a good book. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf has some readings on youtube (which can also be good for finding matter of fact but not gory videos for questions that come up). Making space and seeing what questions and emotions arise is the big part of it. Having photo books accessible to them was really helpful for my kids too in giving them space to remember and discuss as time went on.

I come from a community where it's normal for young children to sit with the dying and be part of funerals. My spouse's family is the opposite - they consider it kinder to bar most people from visiting so their memories remain as they were and kids aren't involved at all, some thinking it's bad form to even talk about it with kids. What support and discussions need to happen will depend where on that spectrum your family lies - if you're going to be visiting, you may need to preempt them being more tired or similar, if they used to visit but now can't whether by personal preference or the place isn't allowing visitors, you may need to discuss they're not up to visitors as they're very unwell.

I wouldn't mention cancer myself as there are many types of cancer, all different and with different outcomes.

At that age I would just say that the person's xyz had stopped working properly, could not be mended and they died. I would not mention it until it happened either, let the child (and relative) enjoy time together without worrying or saying inappropriate things.

Stolen from a post that I saved for this kind of scenario for when my little girl is older.

"VaguelyInteresting · 07/08/2021 17:23

Give him it straight. Don’t use euphemisms like going to sleep- just makes kids afraid of going to sleep.

My 4yo is very sanguine about death, because I’ve been very honest. I just said something along the lines of - “sometimes when people or animals get very hurt or sick, or when they’re old, their bodies get very very tired and stop working. That’s called dying. Some people believe that when your body stops working, your spirit- which is the invisible part of you that thinks and feels and dreams- keeps going. Some people believe that when we die, our spirits go and rest too.” Etc etc. He knows that everyone and everything living will die one day.

He’s come to the conclusion himself that the body dies but the spirit goes on “because we don’t need a body just to have dreams!” - and I’m gently answering other questions."

I liked the spirit bit as in our family we've done cremations and talk to the urn/their ashes to keep their memory alive, etc.