Please help me with my toddler

[Disneyblueeyes]

I'm at my wit's end with my 2.5 year old at the moment. I feel like a terrible mother.

She still breastfeeds several times a day. If I'm sat with her she starts clawing at me and has a paddy if I say no. I can't sit and cuddle her without her pulling down my top for a feed.

She isn't eating properly. She won't eat breakfast. All she wants to do is eat random snacks through the day like dry cereal, satsumas and rice cakes.

She won't eat anything 'proper' like a sandwich. She picks the fillings out. It's all just so 'snacky'.
She's better with her evening meal but even then she very rarely has much of it. At her high chair she just plays with her food, throws her cutlery around and tips her water out into her tray.

She constantly asks to watch TV or my phone. She watches far too much cocomelon. She won't play with her toys that much. If I try to do something different with her she has a paddy and tries to put it all away. Occasionally she will though, and I try to take her out through the day if I can.

All I want is for her to not be glued to a screen, potter round and play with her toys and actually eat decently.
Is it alot to ask? Am I being realistic?

All I want is for her to not be glued to a screen, potter round and play with her toys and actually eat decently. Is it alot to ask? Am I being realistic

She’s 2.5 - she doesn’t have the impulse control to do these things independently if there are ‘better’ options available. You need to put in the boundaries.

Re: the videos. Personally, I’d tolerate the tantrums (we did ~ 6 months ago when DS became a bit too obsessed with the TV) and stop her watching stuff on your phone. Just don’t make it an option. It won’t take long until she realises it isn’t happening anymore.

Some kids are just not that interested in toys. My DS is one of them. If she is one of them too, get out of the house daily, not just ‘when you can’, to prevent the whining for the phone. It’ll probably help with the breastfeeding as well - if she’s busy, busy out of the house, she is likely to ask for it less.

I’d limit snacks to small portions, twice a day, at set times, sat at a table so they become less ‘fun’ compared to main meals. The usual stuff for main meals - set times, at a table, eating with others and the TV off. At the end of the day though, all you can do is provide the perfect environment, but it’s up to the child if they eat or not.

'Has a paddy'??? Sorry to pick this out of your query but really, you think this is OK to use??

With regards to mealtimes, I would get rid of the highchair and get her sitting at the table with everyone else, maybe using a booster seat if she needs it. If she's tipping her drink over, calmly ask her to get down and fetch a cloth to clean up the spill. It sounds like she's satisfying her hunger with snacks and breastfeeds so she isn't particularly hungry at mealtimes - I would cut down on the snacks, they only really need a small snack mid morning and mid afternoon.

I would suggest having a really strong routine and structure to your day that is non-negotiable. That might take a couple of weeks to adjust to, but if you constantly explain the day, what's next etc you'll get there. Agree about not making phone an option.

When mine were little, we did this:

• 6.30-7.30 ish: Breakfast and books at the table (if you're struggling to get her up there then just sit there yourself and do the new routine until eventually she'll join)
• 7.30 get dressed (this is when we'd use the TV for 20 minutes!)
• after that she can play until you go out (for us it was around 8am every bloody day, weekend or not because that's what DC needed to adjust to being awake!)

-Activity, park etc. 10am healthy snack

• back for lunch (books and lunch at table)
• Maybe a bit of TV or just quiet playing

-2.30pm snack

• 3pm songs/dancing/ something they find fun then freeplay
• 5.30pm dinner at the table as a family
• 6.30 up to bath

At this age you just repeat rules over and over in a singsong voice until you crack!

Mine still doesn’t like a sandwich! Picking the fillings out is really normal – kids like their food all separated out, generally. Can you get some of those plates with divided sections, like an airline tray? IKEA has good ones.

DD, 3, likes her lunch presented on those and if we miss a section she demands we fill it, which is a good way to present her with more vegetables. If we’re having egg sandwiches, we’ll give her a divider plate with bread fingers in one bit, egg mayo in another, cucumber sticks in another, and so on. She eats far more that way.

Also remember your job re food is to decide where (to eat - at the table? Picnic on the floor?), when (to eat – random snacks when she’s hungry or set times then it’s cleared away?) and what. Her job is to decide whether (to eat), and how much (to eat).

Screens: she can only watch what you let her. If she tantrums about TV and you turn the screen on, all she learns is that tantrum = get what I want. With DD we set up a boundary first: “You can have 3 Cocomelon songs, then we’re going to the park”. And a warning during the last song: “This is the last song, then the TV goes off.”

Stay off your phone during the day! She only wants to play on it cos you play on it! I’m terrible for this and DD is a phone addict too but it’s improved a lot with me not having it visible, and just saying no.

Do you play with her toys with her? Many children, especially if they aren’t mixing with other children they can watch and learn from very much, don’t automatically know how to play with toys so she may not be able to potter round and play with her toys so it will feel boring to her.

you have given her access to phones/tv and, as you’ve found out, they are pretty addictive for kids! What are you doing about house when you’ve got her toys out wanting her to entertain herself?

What is the response when she throws food around and tips water out on the tray?

Please don't use "have a paddy", it's an awful phrase. Tantrum is fine.

This is a difficult age and you likely have a year and a half of it at least ahead of you. I think the advice above about a strong routine and getting out of the house is good.

In particular, decide how much TV and screen time you're happy with and when it would be best used. Then stick to it. You will get the tantrums but they'll get used to the routine quickly enough.

Meals might improve if you reduce the snacking (and breastfeeds if you would like to), but personally my focus food wise would be enjoying the food, trying new things etc. I hate when mealtimes become a battle - sometimes unavoidable, but I'd accept a slightly worse diet in the short term for better habits in the longer term. That's personal though.

I could have written this about my 2.5yo DS. It's really bloody tough! I have exactly the same issues with breastfeeding, snacking and screen time, so have no great advice, only sympathy!
I think I'm going to try much harder to stop breastfeeding (I'm ok with this at this point) as I think it's all really connected for us. When he is away from me for a few days, as he was this weekend, he eats meals better, sleeps all through the night, and has more energy in the day.
My mum commented on how different he was when I (and my milk) were around, and it's really made me think.

Eating, stop the snacks all day. Put the meals down if she doesn't eat them then that's up to her.
Get her out the high chair and at the table, picking the filling out of a sandwich is pretty normal for toddlers tbh.

Screen time, agree with what your happy with and stick to it. If you give in you won't be helping yourself.

My child wasn't really interested in toys till 3. No matter how much I played with them and made them more interesting.

Does she go to nursery/play group etc?
This was a game changer for in regards to meal times, playing etc.

You’ve already had some good advice so I won’t comment further on routine etc but I’d get her a sippy cup / one of the ones with the inbuilt straw that you can’t tip over or spill. For some reason DD believes that drinking out of an adult glass is fine but give her a toddler open beaker and she turns it in to a finger bowl.

We use the cup with the straw at mealtimes for this exact reason!

'My phone's broken, sorry! No Cocomelon today but let's get ready to go for a walk / do this puzzle / blow bubbles in the garden'. Everything gets 'broken' in this house when we're fed up with it :D

@TulipsGarden Haha, in our house it’s “Oh, that’s not on TV today.” Dread the day she learns about streaming on demand.

It’s a really bloody tough age. As PPs have said, it’s got to be about routines and boundaries.

And - I say this very gently - I wonder if you need to develop a thicker skin about her tantrums? A tantrum doesn’t mean something has gone ‘wrong’ or that you have to ‘fix’ anything. It’s the normal reaction of a tiny child to not getting what she wants. Your job is to hold the boundary, with love.

She doesn’t really get to decide how much Cocomelon she watches. That’s your job. And you’ll be doing her a favour if you can help her with her feelings of frustration around this. So I would do something like ‘it’s time to put the phone away in two minutes and then we’re going to play trains’.

‘Ok, two minutes is up, I’m putting the phone away now.’ Then you go over and get the trains out (or what ever).

She tantrums and tantrums. You’re close by, saying ‘I get it, it’s hard to put the phone away. I’ll be here when you’re ready to come over’.

Then you make sure she’s safe and you play trains on your own till she’s calmer.

Repeat several times a day, for at least a year!

Aha Parenting is a great site for all this stuff, and I like an Instagram account with a family therapist called OurMamaVillage. It’s fairly ‘gentle’ but very clear on boundaries.

@stuntbubbles Oh yes, the lies we tell... they'll find us out eventually!

And I’m no breastfeeding expert by any means but sounds like she could be filling up on milk and therefore not eating?

I had no idea that "paddy" was a bad turn of phrase until 2 minutes ago

My youngest is a similar age. He gets a bit of TV when he first wakes up, a bit after lunch and a bit after his bath. We're really consistent with that so any other time we just say "No Peppa, it's playing time" and he knows what to expect. You may just have to ride out a few tantrums if she's used to getting it when she asks. I can't really comment on the breastfeeding as I didn't feed any of mine past 1yr but it's been helpful to me to look at what DS eats across a whole week rather than a single day as he's quite a fussy eater too. Sometimes at dinner it will just be one mouthful of baked beans but at other times he'll eat 2 toddler bowls of broccoli soup.

@TulipsGarden

'My phone's broken, sorry! No Cocomelon today but let's get ready to go for a walk / do this puzzle / blow bubbles in the garden'. Everything gets 'broken' in this house when we're fed up with it :D

You know, now you say it, Cocomelon is always broken on our version of iPlayer. Everything else is fine, but something that barely gives me enough time to get one plate in the dishwasher before it's over just never seems to function.

The way I think of it, it’s not my job to prevent tantrums.
It’s my job to set the boundaries and make sure my DS sticks to them. He doesn’t have to like them though, which is where the tantrums happen.

Obviously it would be nicer if he didn’t tantrum, but once I’ve said something, I won’t change my mind because that would teach him that he just has to throw a tantrum to get what he wants.

If you’ve said no she can’t have a breastfeed, then stick to it. Obviously she’ll be upset, and will have a tantrum. But that’s okay, she’s just expressing her feelings - it doesn’t mean you have to change your mind and let her.

I would limit the snacks, and not allow Cocomelon at all.

www.herfamily.ie/toddlers/expert-says-cocomelon-is-like-drug-396860

Just a thought but does she get a family mealtime with you, or are all her mealtimes done with her solo being given some food, and you eat separately? Serving her food alongside yours demonstrates the expectation: sit at the table just like mummy and daddy (soz to be heteronormative etc), do you want some cheese on your pasta, etc.

Also does she enjoy putting the toys away – she might be into sorting/organising/tidy/neatness type toys at the moment rather than imaginative play or whatever, so you getting them out is messing up her little organised situation. My DD kicks off if you move anything from its important allotted space on the shelf.

If you don’t want her watching a screen - done give her one. It really is as simple as that. She’s 2.5 years old fgs