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Original poster

Feeling so sad :(

14 replies

Cupcake231221 · 19/04/2022 10:35

I went out for a meal with a friend last night for the first time since having DD. She’s 4 months old and I left her with DP to do the night time routine

From day 1 I’ve done pretty much all the work because I’ve been quite neurotic and only wanted to look after her but now I’m trying to let more help in so I can do some things myself

DP had a bad night with her she cried a lot and he was in such a bad mood when I came in, would barely speak but managed to say were definitely not having more kids. I said it takes time to know what to do, I did everything to try and build him up.

He’s since been so odd , I feel tension and I’m annoyed with him. I couldn’t even go out and have fun without coming home to an atmosphere

We’ve argued today and I shouldn’t have but I said if you can’t look after your own child it’s going to cause problems with us and I need you to do this so I can have some sort of life

It escalated into an argument and ended up with me saying we’d leave if he didn’t try and he then said “go on leave then”

I’m in tears can someone reassure me this is just because tensions are high?? I do love him but he really does just need to look after his child it can’t all be me I’m not a single mum??

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2022 10:41

Do you usually threaten to leave him when you argue?

elenacampana · 19/04/2022 10:41

Hey OP. My little girl is 5 months and we were in a similar situation a while back. My husband really, really struggled one morning while I was having a lie in and said the same thing about no more kids. Things have changed so much since then, he was basically feeling like he had no idea what he was doing and like he’d never understand how to settle her or keep her happy. His confidence has gone up loads and things are much better.

If your DD has really known only you as being the one to look after her since she was born, it’ll take a bit of time for her dad to get into a groove with her.

Original poster

Cupcake231221 · 19/04/2022 10:45

@TheSnowyOwl no I’m just at breaking point

OP posts:

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Original poster

Cupcake231221 · 19/04/2022 10:45

@TheSnowyOwl I really hope it’s this because last night I felt so deflated and I still do

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 10:45

When did you decide to loosen the reins and let him get stuck in to caring for her? Was it just when you fancied a night out?

You admit to being neurotic and wanting to do it all your own way, so you’ve had 4 months to get to know her properly and how to comfort her. Because you haven’t let him do the same they’re not used to each other. What did you expect to happen when you went out for the night?

It sounds like you’ve been very unreasonable and unrealistic. No wonder he’s not keen on having more kids. You control her care and don’t give him a look in, you then want a night out and they have an awful night, you get annoyed and threaten to leave him taking the baby with you.

Original poster

Cupcake231221 · 19/04/2022 10:47

@AnneLovesGilbert he’s looked after her while I’ve been in the house with him and it seemed to go well but maybe because I was there

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 19/04/2022 10:48

Ok, so if the threat is exceptional hopefully it will be a wake up call for him once he has time to think about it. However, I’d advise to start sharing the childcare even whilst you are home together. If your child has a good bond with him, he will enjoy parenting more and your child will be happier being looked after by him.

elenacampana · 19/04/2022 10:56

Things started improving with my husband when I stopped jumping in all the time. If he’s not sure what to do about something, I ask him what he thinks he should do and if it’s a halfway decent idea I just say well you’re in charge so it’s up to you. He’s a much happier dad now that he feels like he knows how to care for her. You can’t expect it to just click all in one night and if he’s had a stressful night, the chances are that he will be feeling stressed and it’s all just coming out.

I was in hospital looking after my baby for 2 weeks on my own after she was born, it was hard to let go a bit and allow others to care for her too, but I’m glad I did. She is better off for it.

Give it time and be patient. Responding with threats about leaving him won’t bring down the tension or help resolve the issue.

ThisisMax · 19/04/2022 10:57

@AnneLovesGilbert

When did you decide to loosen the reins and let him get stuck in to caring for her? Was it just when you fancied a night out?

This. I have so many friends who are couples and I have seen the same thing time and time again. If you want to be neurotic then do so but don't then complain if your partner cant cope FIRST TIME out as you went out. He should be doing this every day facilitated by you then there is no problem when you do go out. The bigger thing though is how you resolve difference - he sounds under pressure but you equally sound like you get over emotional at every turn. Its really simple to both say ' Look this is a learning curve and its stressful, we have to pull together and have each others backs as we figure out what to do'

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2022 10:58

Then it was wildly optimistic to go out for the night the first time you left them alone.

You need to start small and have a half hour walk, then an hour, then a couple of hours etc.

It’s easy to blame him for not being able to care for properly and I’m sure people will. But if it was you stopping him then it’s not his fault. I have a friend who was like this apart from the night out. She was incredibly anxious and wouldn’t let her partner do anything with the baby unsupervised, even though he was more than willing and able and had two older children.

Original poster

Cupcake231221 · 19/04/2022 11:19

I know I have. A problem and I’m trying to ease him into it i maybe shouldn’t have gone for a meal but a walk as his time with DD has always had me there

I’m recognising I’m wrong I feel guilty too

OP posts:

ladydimitrescu · 19/04/2022 11:20

It was the first time you've allowed him to be alone with her because you wanted to go out - he did what you asked, and then you've told him he has to look after her so you can have a life? But he did look after her. You wouldn't let him do anything for the first four months, you can't decide magically he is allowed to be a parent when it suits you, and threaten to leave because he struggled. YABU and tbh I think you need to apologise for threatening to take the baby and leave because he had a rough night. Cut him some slack.

Original poster

Cupcake231221 · 19/04/2022 11:23

I also just want to clarify it was for my friends birthday before she goes back home I haven’t seen her for 6 months and she asked I didn’t want to say no I mean I should’ve

But it wasn’t just to go out and get out the house there was a reason there x

OP posts:

ThisisMax · 19/04/2022 11:35

@Cupcake231221

I also just want to clarify it was for my friends birthday before she goes back home I haven’t seen her for 6 months and she asked I didn’t want to say no I mean I should’ve

But it wasn’t just to go out and get out the house there was a reason there x

Thats fine. The great thing about both of you working together to care for your baby is that you both have flexibility to go out. If you had a vomiting bug, were very unwell etc it would not be such a stress as your partner could take the baby without any fuss. I would start with short periods of time and progress to things like a Sunday morning walk or a swim in the baby pool or a playground or whatever. Its important that he gets to experience how to resolve crying and baby being upset - it will happen so don't render him useless by taking the learning away from him.

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