Life with a toddler

[bellaboo90]

After yet another exhausting day with my toddler I'm really just looking to vent and for reassurance that it's not just me feeling this way...

I absolutely love and adore my 3 year old DD. I also have a great husband that does his fair share. I know I'll miss this stage when it's over and already feel sad about it ending, but some days I really struggle with how relentless and exhausting it all is.

Things that used to be enjoyable really don't feel enjoyable anymore... like meals, walks, coffee shops, etc (we do plenty of child activities too). They're mostly just stressful and exhausting, and not worth the hassle. Today for example, we went to a lovely BBQ but spent the whole time chasing our toddler around, dealing with tantrums and barely being able to have a conversation with anybody. We were both flustered and tired and just couldn't wait for it to end really. We've been invited to a wedding and also have a holiday coming up but I'm struggling to get excited about them because I know what the reality will be like. Obviously there are lots of lovely moments but the majority of it is whinging, tantrums, running off, etc.

I would like to give my DD a sibling but in all honesty I don't think I could do this all over again. I question how others do. I can't remember the last time I had fun or felt rested. It's been years. Unfortunately we have no support bubble. In the three years that she's been here we haven't had a single night off together. She goes to nursery but we have to spend most of that time working or renovating our house (it desperately needs it!). We have very little annual leave to take as we have to use a lot of it to cover sickness (the downside of nursery!).

I don't believe that I am depressed or anything like that. Just really bloody knackered and miss being able to do things. I feel like I find it much harder than others, especially as everybody else seems to be on to their second child by now. Is it just me?!

Xx

Not exactly helpful but I have a 10 month old and I too have questioned can I do this all over again? I desperately want another so he has a sibling but it's sooo scary, once you get over one obstacle there's just another! X

I have an almost 2 year old and I feel your pain!

No it's not just you. Can you put away money and use a babysitter say once every 2 months so you've got something to look forward to. I think the benefits of doing that last much longer than the babysitting time itself.

A great way to find a baby sitter is using one of the nursery assistants. They will already know your child and visa versa. They'll be background checked and trained.

It does get easier.

I totally get where u are coming from. I have twin 2.5 yrs old and omg i am exhausted. Their behaviour the past month has been AWFUL. Before they had their moments but now its full on tantrums, pulling my hair etc.

Fingers crossed it gets easier xx

I was saying the same to DH yesterday. Mines nearly 2 and she is exhausting. Took older DSD to easter egg hunt yesterday and toddler just screamed and had a tantrum the whole way round. Felt utterly deflated and can't remember the last time we actually enjoyed a day out.
Like you we have no support network and the time she is at the childminder we are working.
I never seem to get any time for just me and I'm constantly drained of all energy.
I'm hoping someone comes along and tells us it will get easier soon, but still I deffo don't want any more.

At 3yo I'd say things should settle down soon. The tantrums will begin to fade and she may be more content with entertaining herself.

It's a tough slog but you're definitely towards the end of the relentless drudgery type of feeling. Hang in there.

When mine were that age and we had no family or help, I found booking a babysitter to come for a few hours on a weekend afternoon every month or 2 absolutely saved my sanity.

She was one of the nursery workers and loved playing with the kids, and DH and I just needed to get away from them for a bit to be honest. We could’ve done evenings, but they actually went to bed just fine around 7ish, and I just wanted some day time that wasn’t an exhausting slog.

They’re 4.5 and nearly 7 now and it’s much easier. They actually play together for ages and can leave us alone in silence for an hour if they’re given an iPad.

Yes, I hear you - mines 17 months and is lovely but so, so knackering. The tantrums really are so draining, aren’t they?

Right there with you. Currently my 2.5 year old puts me off doing anything. I basically live with crippling anxiety I'm so stressed about taking him into any situation that's not a soft play or large field to run around in .

But I have an older one too (6) and the reason I can bare it is that I know it 100% gets easier. It's not forever - even though at the moment it feels like it.

Try and save money for a babysitter every now and then, and be kind to yourself. Toddlers are bloody hard.

Yeah it's exhausting. People aren't honest enough about the absolute relentlessness of it. But I will say my second made it easier. They've spent all day playing with each other today (3 & 5 yrs old) and I've managed a nap on the couch even!

I feel your pain, I have 3 year old twins, and me & DH have never had a night off either. The battles, the refereeing. On Saturday they went on a toddler carousel at our local park. They loved it and my heart burst to see them laughing and waving at us. Cut to 20 seconds later where both of them are having the mother of all meltdowns as they have to get off. We carried them back to the car kicking & screaming

I think that’s called snatching defeat from the jaws of victory after such a lovely day out.

No advice I’m afraid just a bucket full of understanding

I hear you. I often feel like a slightly poorly, tired wrung out sponge by the end of the week…and then you realise weekends with a toddler aren’t exactly a break either. I wish I could feel truly rested, but the mental load is always there, even in the times your body is resting. I so wish we had family round the corner who would provide childcare regularly at the drop of a hat!

Agree with PP, hopefully you’ll get some relief soon. Age 2-4 was pretty brutal for various reasons across my nephews and nieces. For most of them 3 was worse then 2 (I’m dreading next year ) All of them settled down considerably after this though. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway!

It's not just you. Three year olds are exhausting! I quite like them up to that age and then they can go in a box until 5 :o just kidding. But those are tough years. If you did want a second, it's a good time to do it because it gets the hardcore needy bits out of the way in one go, and because when your second hits this stage they will have someone to play with because your eldest will be at a more reasonable age.

Totally with you mine are 3.5 and 1.5

God yes it's such a slog. Kids are a source of joy but suck the joy out of a lot of things for sure. Mine is 5 now and it's a lot easier - walks nicely along side us, no running off, tantrums are rare, she eats well and sleeps ok (although thinking about it not that well).

But I still feel completely burnt out, exhausted, lost etc. I worry about new things like school, friendships.

I think this is parenting for the long haul and I'm not doing it again.

Three days in to the long weekend, this feels extremely relatable. I have a newborn and a 3.5 year old and am hating parenting much of the time at the moment.

I have basically given up ever doing things I enjoy myself and we just do stuff that will keep the toddler entertained. We now only go to family-friendly places and only hang out with other people with kids the same age. A little bit of my soul dies every time I fork out £40 for another day out I am not interested in.

It’s not you, 2-3 year old toddlers are arseholes. Cute, funny, totally lovable, but complete and utter arseholes. The good news is they get so much better and nicer at 4, so hang in there!

I wanted more kids up until my DTs turned 2, wobbled until 3 and now I know I never want to live through 2-3 ever again.

Surely at 3 it gets easier - I found 1-3 yrs old unbearably hard- my youngest is 17 months and I remember this age vividly as being awful, so physical, no verbal.
My eldest was quite nice by 3, could sit for a few mins and chat etc.
don’t get me wrong it’s still exhausting (1&4yr old) and meals out and days out are never relaxing but it gets easier for sure. My advice is if you want another do it soon- an age gap is hard, diff activities and diff toys etc.

It is relentless. We find that we can only really survive if we do the bare minimum; work, look after DC, do the basics around the house - and I mean really basic, food shopping, cooking, dishwasher / washing up, laundry, trying to keep on top of the clutter, life admin... we struggle even to have time/energy/motivation for a lot of cleaning and we are lucky to be able to afford a cleaner, which forces us to tidy the whole house once a week so she can spend the time actually cleaning instead of trying to work around all the crap. Oh and we do nothing in the garden apart from the occasional bit of weeding and mowing the grass, but mostly it's a state.

I think your mistake might be in attempting house renovations if you're doing it yourselves and not paying someone to do it. I mean I'm sure there are people who manage it with young kids but it just seems too much on top of everything else, especially if you don't have helpful family nearby.

I think that using annual leave to cover sickness is a problem too. Luckily my employer lets me take paid leave when DC is unwell (I realise not all employers do!). DH and I do occasionally use annual leave to rest, get stuff done without the kids around, or occasionally have a daytime date. And we try and have evening dates sometimes too, we have friends who can babysit and also pay a babysitter sometimes.

These things cost money of course but I think it's very important to prioritise some time for yourself when you have a 3 year old!

I don't know why everyone says having two is easier.

From my own experience plus that of my family, friends and neighbours with two or three children - some have twins as second successful births - unless the older child is 11+ years older and has no SEN the siblings just fight with one another as soon as the younger one can show their own agency.

In fact over lockdown some of my family and friends were shocked because their primary aged children weren't fighting as much.

Are they just turned 3? I have a 3.5 year old and I wouldn't call him a toddler anymore. He doesn't need me to chase him around anymore at gatherings, he's off playing with the other kids, I just make sure one of us knows where he is and he knows where we are if he needs us.
Tantrums have reduced a lot now we can have proper conversations.
6 months makes a lot of difference in terms of independence and being able to entertain themselves.
We also have a 1 year old. It was difficult as DS was only 2.5 so I'd say what you have now would be a greet age gap.

3 years old isn't a toddler. What do you do when she tantrums. Maybe try and be firmer with her. You should be able to enjoy taking her out and going on holiday. Set firm boundaries and make consequences for bad behaviour that's really important for a three year old

Thanks so much for each and every response. Some great suggestions (I hadn't considered getting a babysitter via nursery!) and nice to know others feel the same. For those asking, she's only just turned three.

Yup 2yr old here, not much fun tbh just tired as well. At least one meltdown whenever we go anywhere.

I’m reading Philippa Perry’s book “the book you wish your parents had read” . It’s helping me to keep my patience.

@Rinatinabina

Yup 2yr old here, not much fun tbh just tired as well. At least one meltdown whenever we go anywhere.

I’m reading Philippa Perry’s book “the book you wish your parents had read” . It’s helping me to keep my patience.

I'll check it out, thanks!