Potty training 31 month old- NOT going well.

[Sandrine1982]

So we've finally decided to potty train DD this weekend. We would have tried earlier but had lots going on in our lives (illness, house move, change of nursery) so there was never a good time.
Now we're at home for 4 days so decided to give it a go. We've got lovely big-girl knickers and training pants, we've got stickers, we've got all the frigging gear. We try to get her on the potty first thing in the morning, we give her lots of drinks, we take her to the potty in regular intervals, we praise, bla bla bla.

But oh my god I'm tearing my hair out.
I don't mind changing clothes, wiping pee, cleaning poo... if there was a little bit of progress. By progress I mean catching at least one or two wees per day in the potty?? By now I have a sense when she needs to go, so I sit her on the potty, she will sit for a while but pees on the floor as soon as she gets up.

I had to hide in the loo this morning and cry. It's day 3 and I was trying to catch the morning pee in the potty, we cuddled in bed, I told her we'll go on the potty after the cuddle (she won't go straight after she wakes up), she said ok, then when she got up she wanted to play, I said potty first, she said potty later, and then she proceeds to wee on the floor. The potty was right there, she didn't even try to go on it.

What on earth is going on? Is this some kind of potty stage fright? As I said I don't mind wet clothes and wee on the floor, if only I could see some effort on her part???

How do we break this cycle?

We're in week into potty training DD (almost 2 1/2) and it's gone well. My friend was doing the same with her DD (same age) this week and stopped after day 3 as it clearly wasn't working for her. We were following the same method- I think I just struck lucky with timing and she didn't! Park it for a few weeks/months and try again, it's not a big deal.

Leave it until she asks to do it. My very strong willed daughter resisted any attempts or encouragement from grandparents to toilet train. She decided herself to wear pants and there's been no "training", she asks to use the toilet and there's been no accidents. Stress free.

She did attempt just before 3, again at her own request but was discouraged after a couple of accidents at nursery so she went back to nappies.

Please don't stress about it.

Yes mine is very strong willed too. I think the understanding is there, but the desire to please, not so much. DP is so much better as he's focusing on the positives and is much more patient than me (he's clapping her just to sit on the potty) but I'm honestly losing the will. I just can't see how it will suddenly click. I feel like a massive failure wanting to go back to nappies. At nursery they seem very supportive and in her room some kids are potty trained so they take them to the toilet regularly, but I don't feel like sending her without nappies on Tuesday if she can't successfully manage any wee in the potty. Plus her poo is really nasty and sticky these days (she's teething) so that is a nightmare in itself....

I know it's only day 3 but I already had to have a cigarette this morning and I never smoke. (I bought cigarettes 4 months ago when I lost it during a tantrum so I kept them for emergencies lol..)

Yes like PP said I don't think I've experienced anything more frustrating. It's on the par with the newborn sleepless nights experience.
Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh

Maybe it's the potty

My 3 year old DD hated them and refused to use them and it would have across to someone who didn't know her that she wasn't ready. She absolutely was

Give her a fruit shoot and every 5 mins take her to the loo and sit her on it - have a chat play a game sing a silly sing. Once the first wee comes out with her on the loo she'll understand the feeling more - chocolate button

Another fruit shoot and every 5 mins ask if she needs the loo - keep asking - and repeat

Don't leave the house for 2 days. Don't go back to nappies.

Honestly just leave naked from the waist down at home. She will have lots of accidents but you just have to keep going she will get it. I do t think it's too early I think its too late personally you could have missed the ideal time. Bin the nappies and keep going

If it's causing you so much stress you have turned to smoking I think you need to consider how hard it also is for your child. This isn't about wanting 'to please' - she isn't ready. Get her a break.

Thank you everyone.

Out of interest - what is wrong with training pants? I like them because they don't leak immediately onto the socks and shoes, but they do get soaked so she will feel the wetness.

I'm not sure about leaving her naked, our house is a bit cold and we were all ill last week so I don't want to go back to that.

I have bought a toilet seat too so we can try that, but again our house is unpractical and the toilet is upstairs so I don't think she'll last to run up the stairs etc, if she's not quick enough to go on the potty which is literally next to her.

Also not sure about asking her to go every 5 minutes!! On the first day I tried to take her very often but by the end of the day she was so irritated she ended up screaming NO POTTY NO POTTY all evening.

:-(

@Sandrine1982
You will have people tell you that your dd should be potty trained by now, how they trained their dcs at 3 months old etc. But, your dd is not their child. Your dd has shown you clearly that she is not yet ready. I heard all the same things when my dcs were little and I was made to feel like a failure because mine were not potty trained at whatever age they were at the time. I decided not to push it but to wait a few weeks and try again. When I tried again just a few weeks later, dc1 cracked it within a week and dc2 took about 3 days. My friend whose children were similar ages to mine, had been 'training' hers for months because she thought that at 2 years old the 'needed' to be out if nappies. Her children were out of nappies at about the same time as mine in the end. All those months of distress and stress for them all. My dcs are now adults, in their 30's and honestly, no-one cares how old they were when they were potty trained. The only time it has ever cone up was when dil asked about dc2 when they were trying to decide when to look at it for dgs.

This is something where your dd needs to take the lead as really, she has the power here. Folliow her lead and don't allow this to become an area of conflict.

@Sandrine1982

We don't have a loo downstairs so had to carry her up every 5 mins for two days - that's why fill her up On a fruit shoot - guaranteed to go straight through her within 20 mins - and then just take her up stairs every 5 mins. Don't wait for her say she needs to go - just pick her up and take her

That's why I was bloody knackered by the end of the weekend 😂

Also we didn't let her go naked either - just kept the pants on.
We treated it like a superhero game flying her Up the stairs

I found training pants had 2 problems. Firstly they felt like a nappy so even once fairly reliably using the potty, she’d wee in to training pants as they felt squishy like a nappy. Secondly, I couldn’t see she was weeing when she did it, and rush her to the potty. I only found out later. Whereas if naked or just in knickers the wee started running down her legs and I could at least catch the end of the wee in the potty and praise her!

Some people will tell you she’s not ready and you’re trying too early. Others will say you’ve left it far too late and missed the golden opportunity. I have no advice as I went early, had a difficult 10 days at home but thought we’d cracked it, but then had a really difficult few weeks in childcare, followed by months of patchiness - days or weeks of being dry followed by endless accidents. No idea what I should have done!

Agree with op about training pants. It's just another form of nappy to them. You get them used to training pants, and then have to go through it all again getting them into normal pants/knickers. You'll just make more work for yourself.

Read this article and give yourself a break. My DS trained himself at 3.5 - he just wasn’t ready before. Then one day he asked to do a wee on the toilet. He wasn’t great with doing a poo, but once we decided to give up the nappies he had one accident in his pants and he hasn’t had a single accident ever since. We have hardly ever had to remind him to go to the loo - he just takes himself off and calls us if he needs us. It’s great.

Just wait.

@Sandrine1982

Thank you everyone.

Out of interest - what is wrong with training pants? I like them because they don't leak immediately onto the socks and shoes, but they do get soaked so she will feel the wetness.

I'm not sure about leaving her naked, our house is a bit cold and we were all ill last week so I don't want to go back to that.

I have bought a toilet seat too so we can try that, but again our house is unpractical and the toilet is upstairs so I don't think she'll last to run up the stairs etc, if she's not quick enough to go on the potty which is literally next to her.

Also not sure about asking her to go every 5 minutes!! On the first day I tried to take her very often but by the end of the day she was so irritated she ended up screaming NO POTTY NO POTTY all evening.

:-(

I think that might be a problem with trying to do it too 'early'. Dd2 had the potty downstairs but she also started taking herself up to the loo and putting the seat on herself and moving the stepstool to sit. She could pull leggings and pants up and down and use ridiculously large amounts of loo roll. This is just my opinion but I don't see how it's any help at all if they can't do all that then is there really any point?

I think that might be a problem with trying to do it too 'early'. Dd2 had the potty downstairs but she also started taking herself up to the loo and putting the seat on herself and moving the stepstool to sit. She could pull leggings and pants up and down and use ridiculously large amounts of loo roll. This is just my opinion but I don't see how it's any help at all if they can't do all that then is there really any point?

I think there’s a point. I’d rather help wipe a bum and flush a poo than deal with poo in a nappy. Plus the environmental impact of staying in nappies longer.

@Sandrine1982

Thank you everyone.

Out of interest - what is wrong with training pants? I like them because they don't leak immediately onto the socks and shoes, but they do get soaked so she will feel the wetness.

I'm not sure about leaving her naked, our house is a bit cold and we were all ill last week so I don't want to go back to that.

I have bought a toilet seat too so we can try that, but again our house is unpractical and the toilet is upstairs so I don't think she'll last to run up the stairs etc, if she's not quick enough to go on the potty which is literally next to her.

Also not sure about asking her to go every 5 minutes!! On the first day I tried to take her very often but by the end of the day she was so irritated she ended up screaming NO POTTY NO POTTY all evening.

:-(

OP training pants are basically pull up nappies.The child doesn’t feel wet or uncomfortable at all so they are useless from a potty training point of view.

I have trained all 3 of my boys now long after there 2nd birthday and I did the following:

1. Naked from the waist down for the first 3 to 4 days. They don’t have the ability to hold long enough normally to pull pants up and down etc so will wet themselves if they have to wait.
2. Reward and lots of praise. I used a quarter of a chocolate button once they did a pee or poo on the potty and lots of claps and praise,.
3. Clear your schedule and stay home for a few days until they start getting the hang of it.
4. When you start venturing out limit drinks for an hour before you go out and while out and take them for a one beforehand then every 20 minutes or so if they have a drink.
5. A child needs to feel wet to a certain extent so I used to put pants on then the pull up over them. It contains the pee but the little one feels mildly uncomfortable when wet which generally they don’t like. It helps them to associate pull ups with discomfort so they don’t like them. Always change within 15 minutes max as you don’t want sores.
6. Don’t stress or get upset over accidents.

The average age of potty training has gone up by about 18 months since the introduction of disposal nappies because toddlers don’t feel wet or uncomfortable wearing them. Pull ups are a marketing gimmick but I do use them only for bed time (youngest is 2 years 8 months). He takes it off himself in the morning as soon as he gets up as did the older 2.

Wait until 3 it's so much easier. One DC was day one done the other was six months.

Hi OP, currently on the same journey as you with almost exactly the same age. I agree with people saying wait until they are ready, with my first we tried a couple of times from quite young and it was just too soon and ended up with health issues at the time. We stopped on advice from HV and tried again after a few months and they got it straight away (almost 2 years 9 months I think.)

The one I'm doing it with at the moment, I didn't think they would take to it to be honest but thought I would give it a try as we were home for a few days. I tried training pants the first day and it was a disaster. Second day I tried naked from waist down and the change was huge they got it almost straight away. We're now back into pants and knickers and have had a couple of days with no accidents at all. I'd try a naked day and see if it clicks, if not I'd stop and try again in a few months time.

People like to feel superior for potty training their kids earlier but it really is just one of those ridiculous things that parents get competitive over.

We had this and decided to stop trying, went back to nappies. We left the potty out and a few months later asked if she wanted to try the potty, no pressure and she did, we then took that as our cue, it was much easier and not stressful. Definitely stop for a bit and try again in a couple of months or so

@Skyeheather

I would speak to the nursery, tell them that you want to start potty training and ask them to help you. My son's nursery were very helpful, told me to drop off with a bag full of trousers and pants and they would do the rest. DS had been watching the other kids in his group using the little toilets and was very happy to be allowed to have a go himself! It still took weeks and endless washing for me.

Does she watch you use the toilet? Because DS nursery have toilets not potties and because DS is always accompanying me to the toilet, we got a little toilet ladder and just never bothered with the potty.

Think briefly about the nursery staff. Please don’t send a child in to nursery without a nappy or pull up if they have literally not managed one wee on the potty in three days.

Day 4 ... not going well. She sat on the toilet, then peed her pants 5 minutes later. Then sat on the potty again an hour later, nothing, then peed her pants 10 minutes later.

It's hopeless.

We're going back to pull ups tomorrow.

Agree that I can't send her to nursery like this if she can't manage to pee in the potty, at all, ever.

What a fucking waste of a weekend.
I can't help feeling like a fucking failure...

I can't help feeling like a fucking failure...

You're not a failure. At all. But think about how this will rub off unconsciously onto your daughter. She might feel exactly the same.
She's not ready. She's just not ready. There's really no need to force it. She'll do it when she's ready. I promise you she won't still be in nappies at 16!
I was absolutely fearing potty training thinking it was going to be a nightmare. In the end daycare told me around age 3 they thought my DS might be ready. He was. Day one and done! No "training" required- he just did it because he was ready and saw it was normal to go to the toilet (we never even used a potty, just had the child seat things over our toilet). It's stressful if you force it too early but can honestly be easy if you let it happen when they're ready.

You're not a failure. They all get there in the end. I seem to breed slow potty trainers. DS1 only cracked it at 3y3m and DS2 we have literally just this weekend insisted on pants all weekend and he's got on great with no accidents at all but he's 3y8m. And honestly, it's fine. Yes I probably spent loads on nappies in that extra year but the success is so great and not having to wash loads of wet clothes, or have the entire house stinking of wee for weeks (as we had every time we tried earlier) is such a relief.

Don't worry. Try again in the summer.

DS1 was like the week before he was meant to start at a nursery that wouldn't accept them in nappies, so I was super super stressed. They do get there in the end.

Read the 'Oh crap- potty training!' book before you start again, and do it in the summer when it's warm enough for her to be bare from the waist down for the first few days.

You are not a failure and thank you for not sending her into nursery in pants tomorrow! I tried one of my kids too early and felt so stressed every single day. Gave up and tried him when he was 3 and it was so much easier.

We have kids at nursery who do what your DD is doing, nothing on the toilet / potty then wet clothes immediately after.

It’s amazing how much less stressful it is when they’re not your own kids and it’s easy to keep calm with them but it’s still meaning our days can be spent with too much time in the bathroom and not enough time actually doing anything constructive or fun with the kids.